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AIBU?

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Original poster

....to have no plans or money organised for my funeral?

62 replies

user1491724818 · 09/04/2017 10:19

My DH and I have nothing organised for our funerals when the time comes.

We are middle-aged and I have had health problems which have made me think a lot about my own mortality of late.

We have no savings, but no debt either. Nothing to pay for a funeral with if one of us died suddenly.

No ideas or arrangements either. We are not religious. No idea who we would call to do the whole thing for us if one of us went.

I suppose cremation over burial? We don't have any plots bought and don't live near a family plot.

We live far from our families and whoever is left will have little to no input/support when the time comes.

I'd just like to get as much organised as possible and then put it in a folder somewhere so that the person left to organise it all will have less stress and rushing about to do.

We have no life insurance - but I am guessing the funeral expenses and other arrangements should be put aside outside of insurance anyway?

The last thing I want is for any family/in-laws to be dumped on to pay for stuff. That is not my intention at all.

Pretty clueless about this stuff. As you've no doubt noticed!

Thanks all!

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 09/04/2017 12:21

Pre paid plans are great, my grandfather had one and it made it so much easier knowing he had chosen everything including which coffin he wanted, it took a lot of stress out of the situation

Nellyphants · 09/04/2017 12:25

Tobo are you sure? Surely there's all kinds of licences & such. Can you just rock up to woodland & stick a body there?

BakerBear · 09/04/2017 12:27

I didnt think family had to pay for a funeral?

What happens if you dont want to pay for it?

lalalalyra · 09/04/2017 12:31

bakerbear if no one takes responsibility for it then the local authority will organise a basic funeral.

ClosedAuraOpenMind · 09/04/2017 12:32

my dad died just before christmas, with no will and no funeral plans, even though he had been unwell for years. it was a nightmare. he did have life insurance but hadn't told anyone, so as well as dealing with a sudden bereavement, looking after my mum, my brothers and i had to sort the funeral and try to make some sense of the finances,

it was a nightmare and i'm still really angry at him for leaving things in that state

just please get it sorted

DJBaggySmalls · 09/04/2017 13:00

BakerBear If no one wants to pay for it the local authority will, its a basic 'paupers' funeral. The family wont be notified or have any kind of marker or plot.

catsandbooks · 09/04/2017 13:42

It's good that you're planning ahead. A relative of mine died last month and the funeral cost £7000. It was a real stress for us to get all the money together Sad
We have to save for the headstone as well

blueskyinmarch · 09/04/2017 14:10

My parents are in their 70s and recently decided they needed to get their funeral plans sorted. They went to the Co-operative funeral people and chose one of their plans. I think it can be paid up or paid in a oner. They have a variety of plans at different costs. They are happy now it is sorted despite me being clear that we could afford to pay for their funeral when the time comes. I know where they keep all their documents so I can sort stuff out and my mum seems to derive some satisfaction from having her plans all sorted.

trappedinsuburbia · 09/04/2017 14:14

Can you get a life insurance policy, just enough to cover a funeral shouldn't cost too much every month?

toomuchtvandsocialmedia · 09/04/2017 14:19

After the stress involved in organising my brother's funeral when he died unexpectedly, I decided I wanted to make life as easy as possible for my DC when the time came. I have a folder cheerily entitled "in the event of my death". It includes a copy of my will, funeral arrangements, passwords and an Advanced Directive to Refuse Treatment as I don't want to hang around if I lose mental capacity. I see this as my last act of love to them. I may also add a couple of letters telling them what they mean to me.

Original poster
user1491724818 · 09/04/2017 14:25

This has all been fantastically helpful - you've no idea!

Thank you all so, so much.

Definitely going to move on this.

I am happy with a basic funeral. TBH, I couldn't care less what happens to me in the sense that I am a no-fuss, no-frills person. I'd be happy to lie on a rock being picked clean by eagles, haha, but I don't suppose I could do that in this society Wink

I don't want any particular service. I would probably go for cremation as it's easier all round. I've never been a visiting a gravestone person and can't imagine who'd be visiting mine.

My husband will discuss this with me, but he doesn't seem nearly as invested as I am in making sure the loose ends are tied up. He is not one for looking ahead, so I am going to have to drive all this - but that's okay.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1491724818 · 09/04/2017 14:27

My father left a bit of an expensive mess. He left reams and reams of notes (17 pages) about who should be at funeral, who shouldn't be, where it should be. No money to pay for it though!

OP posts:
OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 09/04/2017 14:37

One thing I wouldn't advise is whacking a load of money in a savings account to be accessed for your funeral costs. Depending on the amount, your next of kin would have to go through probate to access it, and while it isn't hugely difficult or time consuming, most funeral directors request payment before probate is granted, which is where something like a funeral plan or an insurance policy has the edge.

user you can get basic plans for just under £3k with no frills and no bells on :) we had a lot of members similar to your husband - they preferred not to think about it just yet etc - and what I used to say is that if you sort it now, you're saving yourself the hassle of having to come back to the conversation every six months.

MatildaTheCat · 09/04/2017 14:47

Just to add that I've looked into the notion of donating my body to medical science and it's by no means a done deal that they will accept your body. If they have enough or your condition/ cause of death falls outside their criteria they will decline.

They will, if you are accepted, provide a small funeral when they are finished with your body which could be ( if I recall correctly ) up to three years later.

So no point in thinking of this as an opt out of costs I'm afraid.

Funerals are incredibly expensive and some of the costs seem pretty much unavoidable. Good news is that the new probate costs seem likely to be scrapped as so extremely unfair and expensive.

LazySusan11 · 09/04/2017 14:53

Make a will and if there's specific things you want at your funeral write them down. My mum had given us a very basic outline of what she wanted and after she died we found ourselves second guessing ourselves because we wanted to say goodbye in a way that honoured her wishes but also there was a feeling of 'getting it right'

I know lots of people don't care about the details, I'll be fine with a cardboard box and as little fuss as possible but there are those who feel a funeral should be a send off of epic proportions to honour their loved one.

It makes a really really difficult process just a little easier if those left behind know what you would've wanted so they feel they got it right.

HappCatt · 09/04/2017 15:09

I'm having a direct to cremation and so is my Dad. I think they are a great idea. You can still have a get together with family to celebrate/commiserate or whatever just with no bit that involves a dead body or ashes or anything. We could easily afford a funeral but we prefer not to. I don't understand why more people don't do it.

The Good Funeral Guide info on direct to cremation.

JillyTheDependableBoot · 09/04/2017 15:14

I don't understand the need for funerals at all TBH, I'd be perfectly happy with a pauper's grave and for my DP, friends and family to go out and get pissed. All the malarkey around hearses, flowers etc just strikes me as horribly wasteful, unnecessary and exploitative.

Original poster
user1491724818 · 09/04/2017 15:20

It's really more a "disposing of" I am looking for than an actual funeral for myself, really. I will give a thought to the feelings of anyone being left behind, but as far as I can concerned - the simpler the better, really.

I will also donate all my organs to the NHS as well. Must get a donor card for that organised too.

I am a very pragmatic person!

OP posts:
CaveMum · 09/04/2017 15:27

There's a humanist cemetery not far from where I live, it's basically a meadow with no grave markings.

You can find a list of similar sites (some woodland, some meadows, etc) here: www.naturaldeath.org.uk/index.php?page=find-a-natural-burial-site

toomuchtvandsocialmedia · 09/04/2017 17:29

cavemum. The woodland sites are beautiful, but our local one works out far more expensive than a traditional option. I

specialsubject · 09/04/2017 17:44

A disposal with no ceremony is indeed a direct cremation and is what I want too. Can't stand ceremonies!

Tobolsk · 09/04/2017 18:27

Nellyphants

There is a old graveyard in the back garden of our house where the previous family that lived here are. (Assume original settlers to the USA) We don't really have the same laws you get in the UK I plan to use the rest of the graveyard for me and DH

bigbluebus · 09/04/2017 18:30

The cost of funerals seems to be very variable depending on where you live.
My DF's funeral (3 years ago) cost £4500 which included church service, hearse and extra limo, purchase of plot in council cemetery and flowers (not an excessive amount).
Two years later my DM's funeral cost £4000 which was for same service but no extra limo and she went into the same plot as DF (but the council charged half the cost of the plot to re-open it Shock )

A few months ago my adult DD died. We live in a different area to my parents. For DD's funeral we also had a church service and burial (although this was in the churchyard). No limo - just the hearse , one large coffin bouquet - the bill came to £2600. I was absolutely expecting it to be much more expensive and can only assume that it is cheaper to be buried where we live and also in a church cemetery rather than a council run one.

There were no funeral plans in place for any of the above funerals but there was sufficient cash funds available to pay for my parents funerals and we were fortunate enough to be able to pay for DD's even though it was unexpected.

HAving spent so much time at the funeral directors in the last few years I have looked at the funerall plan leaflets, but as it stands I have not taken one out for me or DH as we have some cash balances which could be used if the inevitable happens. Neither of us really cares what sort of funeral we have and will leave it up to DS to decide what he wants to do when the time comes he will go for the cheapest available option

AuldHeathen · 09/04/2017 18:43

DH and I were discussing this quite recently. We've both decided we don't want a do. It'll still cost something to get the corpse disposed of but that's all. We do still have to write it all down. I do have life insurance; he has none.

My parents had the pre-paid thing from the Coop. It worked okay but. paid for a very basic send-off only.

user1471453601 · 09/04/2017 19:05

I'm glad you are going to sort this out, it will be so helpful to your family.

Ive got a pre-paid plan, just in case my local teaching hospital cannot take my body. As has been said, there are a number of caveats when you choose to do this (what you die of, how many cadavers they have at the time, if it's a bank holiday etc).

I've already transferred the deeds to my home to DD and made a will. I'm also in the process of making a LPA. But DD knows my wishes and approves of them, so I'm pretty sure that she will abide by them.

I feel sad that so many people don't discuss things like this with their family. My Mum never would, which left us to do what we hoped was appropriate. I'm an atheist and was ok with this. Sis, who has some belief in the here after would have taken so much comfort if she had known exactly what Mum would have wanted.

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