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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to go NC with MiL

25 replies

User098789056733 · 08/04/2017 23:19

Namechange but a regular poster.

As you might have guessed, feeling pretty hurt and pissed off with Mil. And wondering if I could go NC, or very nearly NC, or if I should ask why the fuck she's being so rude first?

I will try not to drip feed so here it goes:
(Just to clarify, I wouldn't influence DH into doing this with me and would fully support him having any kind of relationship with Mil he wanted, he's from a single parent family and I think mil did a damn good job! I just can't take her any more)

Mil has always been very odd with me, she is very lovely when I see her with DH or SIL (even more so when she's had a glass of Shiraz!) but any other time she ignores me. Plane and simple. I will always try and go the extra mile for her, sending her a text if I see her favourite products on sale, and I will go and pick her and new boyfriend up if they're heading towards our village for the evening. (We live in between Manchester and notts so transport is proper shite) I drop her texts on special occasions, I've sent her details of M.E support groups when she got diagnosed, I Paid off a chunk of sils loan because neither sil or mil could pay due to A change in circumstance (I am earning a pittance by the way! But I could afford stuff by extreme budgeting and the treat of bailiffs was something that I couldn't bear for them.) I have always paid, every time we've been out with them (this I don't mind in theory but it makes me sad when put with all the other things iyswim)

Additionally she is either really insensitive or not paying attention, she's aware of my fertility struggles (I have categorically told her about my tests and the painful and negative side effects I had!) and will not shut up about how much DH is letting himself and the family down, and won't stop asking when we'll finally have GCs for her (we are 39(me) and 42 (h) and I've been ttc for bloody years, so I don't know if or when it will ever happen! And I she knew this, more than once I have told her. She is just being so cruel!)

I've sent her jobs, birthday messages, Christmas, Mother's Day messages and she's just ignoring me. I know she has received them and she's just being so so rude.

Aibu to think if Mil can't respond to anything I've said in three and a half years, she can just fuck off?

Ps, this is not me asking if I have been a mug or if I was BU to bend over backwards for DHs family, I know I have but it's too late now. I just want to know if it would BU to demand respect or nothing?

OP posts:

Patriciathestripper1 · 08/04/2017 23:24

Just cut her loose.
You are never going to make her happy.
And worse still you are making yourself miserable trying.
You sound lovely and caring btw. Don't waste it on her miserable arse,

pictish · 08/04/2017 23:31

Yep - take the hint and respond in kind. Just stay away from her.

pipsqueak25 · 08/04/2017 23:48

life will be easier if you go nc, you've tried so hard but she isn't worth it.

echt · 09/04/2017 00:32

God, she sounds draining.

And your DH should be the one sending birthday messages, Christmas and Mother's Day messages, including you in the good wishes.

Chippednailvarnishing · 09/04/2017 00:37

Why the fuck hasn't your DH stopped this?

GoodDayToYou · 09/04/2017 01:29

How do you feel about asking her directly?

Eg. 'Did you get my message? How come you didn't reply?'

Or, 'Why are you asking that when you know, we've been trying to conceive for years and it's a really painful issue for us?

Or, 'Hello! I'm over here!!'

I'm just wondering if she might respect you more if you front up to her. (I'm speaking as someone who did much the same as you for many years and is now nc and wondering, what if I'd fronted up to her?)

BloomingDaffodil · 09/04/2017 01:34

I cant see how you can go properly NC with her, unless your partner cuts her off too - and it would not be a good idea to attempt to prize his mother away from her only child

What I would do is merely give her the same level of courtesy that she gives me, I would stop trying so hard - I wouldn't message her etc - however I would make her welcome on visits etc - but I would do it for my husband not for her

pinkyredrose · 09/04/2017 01:46

Where is your DH when this happens, has he ever had words with her? I'd cut her loose tbh, she sounds a total bitch.

mistermagpie · 09/04/2017 08:26

I wouldn't go full NC (I can never work out how this works with a married couple when only one half is NC...) but why are you still making such an effort with her for no response? Maybe you're trying to hard?

I would ditch the little texts and things and just let your DH facilitate contact. I get on very well with my MIL and she babysits my DS quite often, but I still have very little direct contact with her myself. I rarely text her and don't think I've ever phoned her, DH does all that.

WitchQueenofNewOrleans · 09/04/2017 08:49

Go low contact. Stop sending "useful"things. Stuff paying off MIL and SILs bills or always be the one paying when you go out.

Treat MIL how she treats you - with indifference.

ScissorBow · 09/04/2017 08:53

Yes low contact sounds more feasible than no contact.

If you don't contact her she won't contact you.

Job done. YANBU by the way.

BadKnee · 09/04/2017 08:59

What does your DH say? From what you have written either she is a bitch or she has a different idea about social interaction.

If my SiL/DiL sent me endless messages it would annoy me - just because I don't do that sort of thing. (In fact I do have a SiL who made such a fuss about being a mother that every school photo was circulated and if we didn't coo immediately we were all bitches.)

The questions about fertility are another matter. Maybe DH is saying that you are worried about it and she doesn't want to ignore the issue - who knows? (I hate it when people "don't mention" stuff - my mother does this and I want to scream that I am not a pariah we can discuss "Issues" in front of me.)

Talk to DH about it. She must have done something right if he is a good person. You and he together should work this out.

BadKnee · 09/04/2017 09:01

Good Advice from Queen and Scissor - low contact. No stress, no drama - makes sense.

Mumzypopz · 09/04/2017 09:07

Back away from her, you will be much happier.

seasontotaste · 09/04/2017 09:20

MIL sounds desperate for a GC to the exclusion of everything else. What she doesn't realise is that she shooting herself in the foot by treating you without consideration.

Nowt so stupid as stupid folk. NC seems a good solution.

llangennith · 09/04/2017 09:28

Why are you trying so hard? You don't have to go completely NC, just stop texting her, initiating things and offering to do stuff for her.

user1471558436 · 09/04/2017 09:35

Go low contact.

Stop offering them stuff and contacting them. don't give them personal information. Chat politely but not too openly like you would with a colleague.

user1471558436 · 09/04/2017 09:36

Forget your card when eating out. Oh silly you must have left it by the laptop at home when paying for something'

ChasedByBees · 09/04/2017 09:40

I agree low contact will be best. If you go from making such an effort to zero contact it will create drama. It you just pull back to offer the same level of indifference she offers you, she may notice but won't be able to comment without looking childish (I.e. She can't complain about you not running after you when she gives you nothing back).

How knows, maybe it will make her appreciate what you were like more. If it does, still don't make more of an effort.

For directly hurtful comments, pull her up on them like gooddaytoyou suggests.

ChasedByBees · 09/04/2017 09:41

User, OP could also try, "oh I bought the last 700 meals perhaps it's your turn?"

Original poster

User098789056733 · 09/04/2017 09:56

Ooh goodday I would like to front her out. But I'm a bit of a wet towel if I'm honest!
I'm not just randomly sending her things or bombarding her, but if for example we are all out and she mentions that she is looking for a particular product/item and I see it on sale I tend to let her know as she is after it iyswim. Nothing intrusive, just "just seen that carte noire is half price in Sainsbury's, I know you tend to like that one but have been struggling to find it on offer recently!" Or "morning, we've just had one of those leaflets from lidl," through, they're doing a gluten free week, and everything in the range is 3 for 2. X."

Also, can't be anything to do with being an only child, or "taking away mils only son", as DH has two brothers, and a sister. His DB1 is in a civil partnership with two DD age 6, and 7mo, DB 2 has 3 DS age 14, 7 and 4mo and DSis (the aforementioned SIL) has a six week old DD, so she's got plenty of DGC too!
And she regularly goes for coffee dates with sil, and DB2s girlfriend, with and without DGC, and I have never been invited, and when I try to arrange things for all four of us she always bails at the last minute, saying she must babysit DGC, although i have been close to both SILs for some years and they know my mother and sisters who regularly agree to babysit, so I can try and integrate better into DHs family (Maybe this is something to front up about!)

I've only recently told DH about the isolation, it's very odd, and I am worried it will change his opinion of his DM, as I have said already, it is really hard, because when we are in public, with other family members she's an absolute delight, she's chatty and kind but if I see her around work, (different companies same building, local authorities.) even on breaks she ignores me. So it's been very easy to let it slide, as she's been publically nice, and I brush it off. (Until I realised she's not replied to any message I've sent in YEARS!)

I just don't know what to do? I honestly thought after a mumsnet rant and a sleep I'd feel loads better. But i still want explode/cry.

OP posts:

Chippednailvarnishing · 09/04/2017 10:14

To be honest you sound like a total doormat.

She ignores you and you still chase after her? Just stop it, tell your DH to deal with her and ignore her.

GoodDayToYou · 09/04/2017 12:05

My mil also comes alive when her family is around her - loves to be in the centre of things. But if it doesn't suit her, she won't even look at me. She took the absolute piss of me for years and I let her. It sounds like you're doing much the same. I used to get stuck in politeness and respect for her as the mother; it had to get really bad before I could get in touch with my anger enough to be able to assert myself. I know I could confront her now and guess what? The spell is broken, I don't see her and she's no longer a problem!

pictish · 09/04/2017 12:09

A saying I like.

Never make someone a priority if they'll only make you an option.

PollytheDolly · 09/04/2017 12:31

I think this one if for your DH to sort out. You said he's only just aware of the gravity of the situation. He surely would not want you treated like this?

In the meantime, put yourself first and go LC until he resolves it. Then NC if he can't. She sounds a difficult woman!

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