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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Checking my reasonable barometer

44 replies

lostmyshizzle · 08/04/2017 17:21

DH and I have had a big row and i feel I've lost sense of who's being unreasonable right now...I'm hoping putting it down here might help, apologies it's long winded!
Basically a few months ago DH was invited to a colleague's wedding, evening only, no partners invited due to tight budget. Friends I've mentioned this to said they would be put out by that but to be honest, I don't know the guy, we have two small children and would have had to find over night child care so I thought ok I can live with not going.

Then it turned out DH had also been invited to the stag do (3 nights abroad!) I was not happy about this but DH has never been on a stag before and considers this guy to be a really good friend (weird because I haven't met him and he's only been invited to the evening do but whatever, after a few disagreements about it, I got over it).
So the wedding is today. DH is booked into a hotel, having arranged to share a room with another male colleague. I was sort of ok with it finally...
UNTIL DH messed up big style this week by going out after work, getting hideously drunk, missing the train home and sleeping in the office. To make matters worse he didn't let me know what was happening so I was up all night worrying and then having established he was alive after all, fuming all the following day that he was too busy to show any remorse or try to make amends. To give a bit more background, DH works in a very sociable industry and him going out after work (I'm a SAHM) is big source of conflict for us (the only source of conflict really). We have an ongoing cycle where he goes AWOL (never before to the point of not actually coming home though), I get upset and angry because going AWOL is not an option for me, nor would I want to. Then we make up and all is good until the next time.

Well this time I've had enough. I told him he's blown it and can't go to the wedding. He said this was totally unreasonable. So I offered a compromise of go but don't drink and instead drive home tonight. It's a couple of hours drive away. The only way I got him to agree to that was by storming out of the house and letting him stew for a bit (I know, not my finest hour). He's gone. He's very pissed off. Whether or not he sticks to the agreement remains to be seen...who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

BoomBoomsCousin · 08/04/2017 17:51

Sorry x-post.

edwinbear · 08/04/2017 17:52

I YABU but I can understand why. He behaved like a dick earlier in the week, but it's really not for you to punish him like a child.

nopinnyjenny · 08/04/2017 17:55

Neither of you are behaving reasonable to each other.

He's not being reasonable going AWOL and making you worry or the fact that you seem to not be able to have the opportunity for your own "letting the hair down" time (doesn't matter if you don't want to take it, sometimes it's nice to have the option). Fine.

But even the language you're using in your post there made me cringe!

so I thought ok I can live with not going... I was not happy about this... he's only been invited to the evening do but whatever, after a few disagreements about it, I got over it...

Checking with friends about whether it's acceptable for him to go to a close friend's event alone for perfectly reasonable logistical reasons, and then punishing him for it...? It's not your DH's fault that he's been invited to a wedding alone, in fact that's sensible if they're on a limited budget/guest numbers and you've never even met the friend! It's not weird at all.

him going out after work (I'm a SAHM) is big source of conflict for us

Then you need to sit down and talk rationally together about what you expect vs. what he expects and come to a calm agreement.. if he says he wants to (or maybe needs to, for his career!) go out 4 times a month.. but you need help or want more of his time.. maybe you can agree on 2 events a month to make that work. Then he'll have to prioritise the important ones that he wants but also respects what you said you can manage. Don't try and discuss this when tempers are already flared up!

I told him he's blown it and can't go to the wedding... I offered a compromise of go but don't drink and instead drive home tonight

It sounds like you're dealing with a stroppy teen or step son or something there, not a partner with whom you discuss things or work with to make a household work..

the only way I got him to agree to that was by storming out of the house and letting him stew for a bit...whether or not he sticks to the agreement remains to be seen

Doesn't sound like he had much of a choice but to "agree" in vague terms tbh. You issued instructions and expected him to comply, and used unreasonable behaviour to do it - and now you're testing him to see if he'll "pass" - I'm guessing you'll give him hell if he "fails"?

Basically, it sounds like you're controlling and not very understanding of his wants (or, for work, his needs). You also seem to have legitimate grievances that you need to talk wiht him about, at a calmer point, and discuss how things can work better ovr the longer term - NOT when he's off to what's supposed to be a happy event for his friend and you've stormed off and ruined the whole thing.

You both sound unreasonable.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/04/2017 17:56

I agree, you aren't his mother. But he, also, is no longer a single man. Text him to say you've had a think and to stay over. But I'd also let him know that the two of you need to have a serious talk as you both have fallen into some bad habits. I say let him know so you don't blindside him with it when he gets home.

If he does stay over, use some of that time on your own to think about the type of relationship you'd like to have (but be fair to both of you) and then think of ways to accomplish it.

LittleCatZ · 08/04/2017 18:06

OP you need some time of your own away. My DH is a very involved Dad but goes out often (evenings, weekends and away with work) and the best thing I did was start making my own plans and finding myself again.
As mums I think we (tend to) invest far more of ourselves in our children than (many) dads and we lose ourselves a little when they're very young and at peak need. It is hard not to resent a DH who is a little less invested and less tied down.

LittleCatZ · 08/04/2017 18:09

As in DH just feels less tied down.

GloGirl · 08/04/2017 18:12

You lost me at "having a few disagreements" over going to a colleague's evening wedding reception.

Make your mind up about what is acceptable behaviour and you act accordingly if he doesn't. It sounds like you are constantly "nagging" him at the minute about his social life. God I hate the word nagging and rarely use it but it sounds like you're constantly complaining about something, but not setting actual consequences. Or you're letting him "win" after you've complained about it 5 times then it's a pretty miserable life for all concerned.

Leave the bastard, or accept he's going to be a teenager and go out when he pleases and gets too drunk to come home. Or arrange counselling. Or have a break. Just something that stops the spiral down into "nagging" wife and pathetic mid-life crisis husband.

Trifleorbust · 08/04/2017 18:18

I don't think you're being that unreasonable in terms of your feelings - I would be upset at not being invited to the wedding of a 'close friend' of my DH too. And I would be furious at my DH staying out in the office because he got too drunk to come home. After a certain number of instances of this I would start to question how truthful he was being.

But you can't tell him he can't go out. You can tell him you think it is happening too often, or he needs o give you equal cover with the kids, or you're unhappy with how much time he is spending with you. But you can't stop him going as a 'punishment' because he is your husband, not your child.

Bluntness100 · 08/04/2017 18:40

Honestly op it sounds like your marriage is in real trouble. He's obviously trying to pull away and your doing your best to pull him back, and grounding him is not the answer, it will simply speed up the process of him finding someone else and leaving.

No adult wants to be told when they can and cannot go out. No adult wants to be told how much they are allowed to drink. No adult wants to have to argue to be able to simply go to a friends wedding. No adult will take this level of controlling for long.

Original poster

lostmyshizzle · 08/04/2017 18:58

Some kind words here. Some not so kind but still taken on board. Hoping we can sort this out together. Thanks xx

OP posts:

Foldedtshirt · 09/04/2017 08:34

What happened in the end op?

SeekingSugar · 09/04/2017 08:41

It sounds like a terrible relationship! Why oh why do people live like this?

corythatwas · 09/04/2017 08:51

He was totally wrong about the awol business.

But what is this whole thing about having to have arguments when he tells you about two events he is invited to? About letting him go reluctantly after a lot of resentment? What is that all about? How does your family work? Is neither of you expected to go out at all or have any time away from each other? Is there a reason for this- seriously ill child or extreme poverty? Do you never go anywhere either? Is this by choice or because he won't let you? It seems a bit of an unhealthy way to live.

ScissorBow · 09/04/2017 08:59

I wouldn't dream of 'telling' my DH he could or couldn't do anything so in that sense YABU.

On the other hand he wouldn't disrespect me repeatedly by going AWOL when we have 2 small children.

I think how I would handle it for every night he went AWOL I would prearrange (so not AWOL myself that's petty) a night away from him and the kids and leave him to it.

SAHM's don't get the credit they deserve. It's a relentless job so I can see how your resentment for his social life has arisen. But the solution isn't to curtail him; it's to match it with your own fun (without the AWOL element).

pilates · 09/04/2017 09:10

Op, you need to have a serious talk with DH. Him respecting you a bit more. I don't think men realise how boring and lonely it can be looking after small children 24/7 (although you love them dearly). And I think you realise now that you can't punish him like a child, although he is behaving like one. Also, I found it a bit strange that no partners invited to evening reception due to a tight budget. There isn't much outlay for the evening compared to daytime. How come if he is such a good friend you haven't met? It doesn't ring true, sorry.

LuckyEevee · 09/04/2017 09:12

How did it go OP.

I guess you've worked out by. Ow that you were being unreasonable although your DH sounds a bit of an idiot too.

DH and I never tell each other what they have to do nor do we give each other punishments. That would be odd and controlling. We argue and get cross with one another from time to time. That's normal - walking out, ultimatums and punishments are not.

araiwa · 09/04/2017 09:21

ban him from playing on his xbox too

that'll learn him

HelenaGWells · 09/04/2017 09:30

Stopping him staying over after the wedding won't do anything but breed resentment and make him look like an ass in front of his colleagues. I think you realise that by now though.

You need to tackle the awol thing separately. Have a think about what you think is an acceptable compromise (for instance 1 night out per week, home by midnight, no more than 1 night later than that per month. Must contact by X time if it's a late one. You get the same if you want it.) ask him what he thinks is acceptable.

Sitting down and talking about it (when not drunk or hungover) is the only way forward. By both of you suggesting what you find acceptable and why (start stricter than you are prepared to accept so you've somewhere to go) the process of
Compromising and talking through the why's should help you understand the others side and the process removes the parent and child dynamic.

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2017 09:43

I also think the no partners at an evening wedding is unusual.

We had a customer once who would turn up at some events with his wife and others with his girlfriend. He always told the wife it was non partner when he took the girlfriend, which made it really hard at the next event because the wife would mention it and we'd all have to pretend it was non partner. But worse so did the other customers who knew them as those customers wives were at each event . Eventually I had a customer complain as they felt it was simply unmanageable , felt they were being forced to collude and were struggling to remember which woman was at which event. I had a quiet word, but what the hell do you do, he was a hugely important customer and it's his private life. No one was happy about it and no one wanted to front up and tell his wife and cause that level of fall out. She genuinely had no clue.

We even had one who used to turn up with an escort for the evening, even though the wife was at home. Ever since I've been naturally suspicious of "non partner" events that would normally be with partner.

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