To want DH to just relax sometimes!

[PuntCuffin]

Mostly light-hearted and a good problem to have most of the time!

DH gets up at 5.30 during the week and takes our dog out. He leaves for work by 6.45 and is home by around 6.30 most days. At which point he immediately gets out the ironing board or starts cleaning the house. He will not stop and relax until everything he deems needs to be done, is done.

Which in some ways is great, but it is also exhausting as I feel obliged to work at the same pace, where my natural rhythm is to work more slowly and have more breaks between tasks. I have just jumped to start washing up when I heard him coming in just now as I didn't want to be 'caught' mumsnetting being idle.

I think part of the issues is my household standards are waaaay lower than his (I grew up with hoarders for parents, whereas his mum is a 'clean freak').

AIBU to want him to just stop and say hello and relax for a few minutes before diving into his self imposed chores?

Note, I also work full time and we have two kids. But my job is home based so I do bits during the day while the kettle boils. And I do all the stuff for the children, as well as all food shopping and 95% of cooking, before anyone thinks I am leaving everything to him.

I don't think YABU. It's nice to have time together to mull the day over.

The other option is worse - you're the one doing everything, however, then you can take the moral high ground. I always null this over, DH is a pain and leaves his stuff everywhere and I used to moan at him but then I realised he never moans at me for the same things. Nice problem to have IMO!

OMG!! I was thinking exactly the same now. Was looking forward to a relaxing start to Easter hold an dh has just gone out to start gardening. I can't stand it he makes me feel so guilty I can't relax. Everyone thinks he's great because he gets so much done but I so wish he would just relax and appreciate people do things at different paces not just full on all the time like him.

I'm with your DH, sorry. I like to get everything done before I stop. I'm not insane about chores or having an immaculate house but I do like to do the things that need doing.

You say you want DH to relax but I honestly can't if there are jobs outstanding - I'd be twitchy rather than relaxing.

If you both pull your weight then he won't resent your timings

It sounds like you and your DH are the mirror of me and my DH! You don't feel like you can relax while he's running around cleaning or whatever, but maybe he can't relax until he knows all that stuff is done?

DH drove me batty for years trying to get me to sit down, relax, leave things til later and all it did was wind me up and spoil my weekends. I didn't resent doing the housework because I was doing it to get it out of the way so I could relax. I hugely resented having to try and do it while he trailed round the house after me whining at me to sit down and 'relax'. Why? So we can do the washing up at 9 o'clock at night? Fuck that. If I know everything's done I can relax properly - I don't actually care who does it, I just want it done.

I've no advice for you but I can sympathise because my dh is exactly the same, he just won't take a break, if we've had a long day out and are on our way home about 10 minutes before we arrive he starts reeling off a list of jobs to be done as soon as we get in, everything from hoovering to gardening to diy.

I find it exhausting, occasionally I'd just like to sit down for a few minutes, whilst he is almost frantically looking for jobs to do.

We both work full time, him in an office based job and me in an 'on my feet all day' type role.

He is also what I call a 'pacer' and can't keep still.

I am sure I should be more grateful and appreciative but when I am tired at the end of a long week of juggling kids holiday clubs and playdates as well as my job, I just don't want to be cleaning on a Friday evening.

I tried to explain how stressed it makes me, and he was completely unreasonable and said that my part dealing with the kids etc is much harder and he knows how hard I work, so not to worry about it, when I know I am naturally idle and do the minimum I have to to get by!

That bastard Hide his marigolds and cut the plug off the iron...

"when I am tired at the end of a long week of juggling kids holiday clubs and playdates as well as my job, I just don't want to be cleaning on a Friday evening."

So don't! It really doesn't sound like he needs you to join in. Seriously. Relax.

A mate of his turned up. They are now discussing local politics, yawn! It's distracted him from cleaning at least. Have mopped the kitchen floor (thought I should seeing as it had been hoovered and everything lifted to mop), put DS2 to bed, poured a glass of wine and am off to play on the Wii with DS1!

YANBU

One of my big regrets is I could never get my DDad to stop doing anything! Lovely as they are it's nice to sometimes just chat and you can't with constantly on the go husbands !

Yes to the wine! Win!

Same here. Sigh.

So you both work FT. You do all the childcare and shopping / cooking and he does all the cleaning .

Sounds like he has the better deal. Why should you be grateful and appreciative ?

Kr1stina - he acknowledges that my part is harder. Plus, he also does all the ironing, the gardening, the dog walking etc on top of working longer days than I do.

We should all appreciate our partners efforts to support us, it goes both ways. He similarly appreciates everything that I do for the family.
Yes, you can argue that the default should be that couples work equally as a team and appreciation isn't necessary, but that seems pretty harsh.

My point was about him starting chores the very minute he walks in the door. There are days when he will literally walk in, put his laptop bag down and take his tie off as he walks to the utility room to get the ironing board, barely saying hello. I just want him to occasionally come in, sit down for a few minutes, or maybe just forget the chores for an evening and watch TV.

Well if your point is that you want him to do his chores your way then I think you are BU. Let him get on with his stuff and your do your own thing.

Why do you have to clean because he is ?

Have you asked if there is a reason for him doing this? my DP, if there are chores which need doing in the evening, will also start on them straightaway rather than sit down for 5-10 minutes.

In his case it's because if he sits down, he will not want to get up again as he is so permanently tired . Maybe this isn't your case, but may be worth asking?

Either way, I think all you can do is tell him how you feel, but ultimately I subscribe to the school of thought that we can ask others to do tasks/chores/whatever, but we can't tell them how to (within reason of course).
So if this is just how he his, let him get on with it, and don't feel obliged to be cleaning just because he is.

I'm with your DH. I don't have massively high standards but I do like efficiency. By 9am this morning beds were made, dishwasher was emptied and reloaded, two loads of washing pegged out, sides wiped after sorting DC's breakfast and floor swept. I even made DC's lunch and clingfilmed it up in the fridge. Means I've done very little today and just enjoyed the sun!

For me, working towards a clean, chilled home is relaxing - it's all part of the ritual. It's so nice going into the weekend with only general pottering to do. If he's not expecting you to join in and there's a clear division of labour then leave him to it!