Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

AIBU?

Aibu to think that he's being a bit harsh?

125 replies

Yooneecorngirl · 07/04/2017 18:20

I've been seeing someone for about 9 months. I know him from old, we went out together when we were teenagers (I'm now 42). To begin with he was an angel, dug me out of many a hole (hubby left and I've struggled to get back onto my feet since). He's kind (usually) and generous to a fault. He adores me (or so he says), but I don't feel as strongly.

Lately he's been different. Today I got a list as long as my arm of the bad personality traits that I appear to suffer from.

To paraphrase his tirade:

I take him for granted. He doesn't feel safe, valued or cared for. I make things up. I'm resentful. I'm spoilt. I mock him. We aren't equal, he makes an effort, I don't. I tell lies. I'm full of hate, it makes him miserable. I am quick to spit out the dummy. I don't value our relationship, it's a farce. I twist things to suit myself. I'm immature. I'm spiteful. I treat him with such disregard. I can't take constructive criticism without feeling the need to lash out. I play him for a fool. I am not committed to him or his son.

I feel humiliated and stupid. If I try to defend this, he says I'm not listening and more concerned about myself. He wants to call around to talk, but I know full well that it'll lead to me agreeing just to calm him (I'm such a doormat).

I don't know what to say or do. Hiding under the stairs has become a viable option.

OP posts:

Report

SingingSilver · 08/04/2017 00:26

When you truly adore someone you don't go to see them to launch a full on character assassination and then bugger off again.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/04/2017 00:40

Sitting there saying nothing might not have been the worst thing to do. You don't have to explain yourself to him in any way!!! If you had tried to defend yourself he would just have turned your defense against you as 'proof' that you are as he says. Men like him are extremely good at manipulating facts and situations to their own benefit.

OK, so now send the text that dutchie recommends;

It doesn't sound like I'm the right person for you and it's become clear that you're not the right person for me. It was fun while it lasted. Bye

But tack on "Do not contact me further"

ExplodedCloud · 08/04/2017 01:08

I agree with Across that muted silence isn't a disaster!. You didn't beg or argue :)
A follow up text "OK. You don't appreciate me. That's cool. It isn't working so it stops now. We had fun but we don't work together."

ChasedByBees · 08/04/2017 01:15

Wow, I wondered if he had a moment of utter (inexcusable) weakness and would tell you he didn't know what he was thinking when you next met.

Dump him OP. you can do better.

HelenaGWells · 08/04/2017 01:37

Get out now. It won't get better and it won't improve. If you were so terrible he would have gone already. So many red flags I can't even count.

peaceout · 08/04/2017 01:57

he's trying to get some leverage for himself, trying to spin things so you feel he's doing you a favour and you owe him

or something like that

he's a maneuvering, trying to 'game' you
you dont need this shit do you

xStefx · 08/04/2017 02:31

Op, I've been with my partner 7 years and he has never given me any kind of " list" of my bad traits in that time.
For someone to list your faults and then say " you can't take criticism " is jut a way of bullyin you and then making you sit and take it.
It's only been 9 months , most people are on their best behaviour for the first few months before they slip. I see an abuser here waiting to pounce . Save yourself the disaster . Why don't you say " as I seem to do all that to you? I think it best we finish as I will not be changing , good luck" That should suffice x

Topseyt · 08/04/2017 02:41

I'd dump him by text too. What an arsewipe he is!!!

Never let him back into your house. I hope he doesn't have a key. If he does then change the locks.

Don't listen to the frankly dangerous advice of Sunshinemeg. That would be just playing into his hands and getting yourself well and truly suckered in, with your self esteem in shreds.

OITNY · 08/04/2017 03:18

You say he dug you out of a hole and that he adores you, but that you "don't feel as strongly"

Possibly the source of his frustrations and he has verbalised it in a completely inappropriate manner. Time to give him the boot, perhaps should have a bit sooner and saved yourself all the abuse which I don't think you deserve.

feathermucker · 08/04/2017 03:20

Danger signs here......massive ones!!! Leave him!

notbankinonit · 08/04/2017 07:12

xstefx Excellent post! That's exactly it isn't it - criticise, then tell you you can't take criticism so as to make you take it! ABUSIVE behaviour.

FairytalesAreBullshit · 08/04/2017 07:14

All is not lost, text them exactly what you think, ending with I never want to see you or hear from you again. Good day to you twat.

Then don't respond, because if you don't bite that will really piss them off.

tabbymog · 08/04/2017 08:24

What everyone else but one has said. He's dangerous, it's a short step from here to actual violence. I'd say fewer words in a text, something like This relationship isn't working. It's over.

Definitely change your locks today; even if you think he doesn't have a key it only takes a few minutes to 'borrow' a key and get one cut.

TathitiPete · 08/04/2017 09:45

Hope you're okay today OP. And I hope that final meeting with this fuckarse was indeed a 'final' meeting and you know to give him a whole marina of wide berths now.

As PPs have said you can simply say something along the lines of 'we're clearly not right for each other if you're so unhappy' or even 'this isn't working for me, we're gonna have to call it a day' That's just if you feel the need to give a reason.

peaceout · 08/04/2017 10:30

Give him a list of his defects
Seems only fair

xStefx · 08/04/2017 10:58

As tempting as it would be to list his defects I wouldn't, just giving him cause to argue back. He can't argue with " sounds like I'm not for you , I'm not changing for anyone and I can't handle a man child moaning on and on at me, we are over" his reply can only be " ok then fuck off" or " aw I didn't mean it" either way he has got to be toast !

SoulAccount · 08/04/2017 11:06

"To begin with he was an angel, dug me out of many a hole (hubby left and I've struggled to get back onto my feet since). He's kind (usually) and generous to a fault. He adores me (or so he says), but I don't feel as strongly."

To play devil's advocate a little, maybe he does feel he gave you everything, in the fall out from your H leaving, and knows or senses that you do not feel as strongly about him.

Maybe he was you 'rebound ' relationship, maybe you are not yet ready to be in a relationship, you said it yourself, you don't feel strongly about him!

You don't need to be in a relationship for the sake of it.

This one clearly isn't working. End it with clarity and dignity and walk on forwards with your head and confidence high.

KinkyAfro · 08/04/2017 11:09

Just bin, this isnt normal, he sounds awful. Fuck him the fuck off

AlpacaPicnic · 08/04/2017 11:16

If you were with someone who was so awful that you had to list their faults... well why would you still want to be with them? Especially after less than a year?
You are worth SO MUCH MORE than this. Being alone would be 1000 times better than this. Honestly, being by yourself is great, you can eat what you fancy when you fancy it, you can watch what tv or films you like... Shakespeare play? Awesome! Shite 90s comedy? Cool!

You. Deserve. Better.

Text or IM him... 'What a shame that things have not worked out in this relationship. Everyone deserves to be with someone who makes them feel brilliant, loved and important. Hope you find someone soon who suits you.
Then walk.... no run away. Block, block, block and never look back!

peaceout · 08/04/2017 11:23

Totally do what Alpaca advises!
He will back pedal and spin like crazy, he'll not have expected you to call his bluff, he thinks you need him and will try to change to keep him

xStefx · 08/04/2017 11:27

Yes 3rd vote for alpacas txt op, x

neonrainbow · 08/04/2017 11:29

He doesn't love you or even like you. Don't waste your time with him.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

LittlePinkPiggy · 08/04/2017 11:42

The relationship is obviously not working, and if you are as bad as he says you are then why the hell is he with you?

I strongly suggest you end the relationship now. A relationship should be enjoyable - not an ordeal. If it is making you miserable then what on earth is the point of it?

honeyroar · 10/04/2017 19:08

How are you doing OP? Just wondering what happened?

expatinscotland · 10/04/2017 19:20

' He showed up, gave me examples of why I'm the twat he described, then left. I am an absolute disaster at talking, so sat there like a plum, in mostly muted silence. I wish I had the balls to say what was in my head.'

You need some serious help here because the fact that you let him in at all says a lot about your self-esteem and boundaries. You allowed this man to abuse you in your own home. STOP engaging with him. DUMP by ghosting. And get into the Freedom Programme

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.