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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think that he's being a bit harsh?

125 replies

Yooneecorngirl · 07/04/2017 18:20

I've been seeing someone for about 9 months. I know him from old, we went out together when we were teenagers (I'm now 42). To begin with he was an angel, dug me out of many a hole (hubby left and I've struggled to get back onto my feet since). He's kind (usually) and generous to a fault. He adores me (or so he says), but I don't feel as strongly.

Lately he's been different. Today I got a list as long as my arm of the bad personality traits that I appear to suffer from.

To paraphrase his tirade:

I take him for granted. He doesn't feel safe, valued or cared for. I make things up. I'm resentful. I'm spoilt. I mock him. We aren't equal, he makes an effort, I don't. I tell lies. I'm full of hate, it makes him miserable. I am quick to spit out the dummy. I don't value our relationship, it's a farce. I twist things to suit myself. I'm immature. I'm spiteful. I treat him with such disregard. I can't take constructive criticism without feeling the need to lash out. I play him for a fool. I am not committed to him or his son.

I feel humiliated and stupid. If I try to defend this, he says I'm not listening and more concerned about myself. He wants to call around to talk, but I know full well that it'll lead to me agreeing just to calm him (I'm such a doormat).

I don't know what to say or do. Hiding under the stairs has become a viable option.

OP posts:
ZilphasHatpin · 07/04/2017 18:44

I wouldn't even be trying to defend myself against that's stuff. I would just tell him it's not working out so buh-bye!

Wando1986 · 07/04/2017 18:45

Run. Run fast. Run very fast.

BagittoGo · 07/04/2017 18:48

Even if you were half the stuff on his list he really shouldn't be speaking to you like this at all.

Questioningeverything · 07/04/2017 18:51

Run run fast

memyselfandaye · 07/04/2017 18:51

He's a fucking arsehole. Value yourself and get the fuck out. He's telling you who he is and what sort of future you will have if you stick around.

I can guarantee you 100% that not one person reading your OP is thinking "he sounds like a good bloke, I wish I had him"

Oh except for sunshinemeg who seems to be on glue.

Bluntness100 · 07/04/2017 18:51

Well if you're not that person op, then he's abusive and he's gearing up to start the bullying. Walk away now. You now know who he is.

Msqueen33 · 07/04/2017 18:52

Domestic abuse come in all forms even towards big men.

But from what you've said I'd leave things with him. 9 months in and he's speaking like this end it. You can do better.

expatinscotland · 07/04/2017 18:55

'He wants to call around to talk, but I know full well that it'll lead to me agreeing just to calm him (I'm such a doormat). '

He wants to call round to abuse you. You STOP being a doormat by not allowing him to call round. FUCK THAT.

You text him, because you owe him nothing: 'I have nothing further to say to you. I do not wish to engage further with you. I do not want any further contact with you. Goodbye.' And then you block him. He comes round, you don't open the door. Don't even bother answering it.

Block, block, block. Delete, delete, delete.

GHOST this abusive arsehole.

ageingrunner · 07/04/2017 18:55

Run for the hills

EpoxyResin · 07/04/2017 18:56

Don't you want to be with someone who likes you??

You should!

AcrossthePond55 · 07/04/2017 18:56

Mmm.....yeah.....that's a big load of 'Nope' from me!

I'd send him a two word text 'Bye Felipe'. Then delete and block.

Doyoumind · 07/04/2017 18:57

He's telling you how bad you are to control you. Any time you disagree or hurt his feelings his can throw this at you, and you will run around trying to prove you are not these things. It's controlling emotional abuse. Don't fall into that trap. You will never be good enough for him as it wouldn't suit his purposes. Run.

ExplodedCloud · 07/04/2017 18:57

Well that's the script. Pick someone a bit vulnerable, build them up a bit to get them sucked in and then kick them.

blankmind · 07/04/2017 18:57

Tell him you are you and you don't intend to change, so as you don't meet his high expectations, it's time you went your separate ways.

Memyself said it so well, "I can guarantee you 100% that not one person reading your OP is thinking "he sounds like a good bloke, I wish I had him""

EpoxyResin · 07/04/2017 18:58

By the way I say this as someone whose exh said with incredulity, "do you honestly think you're a good woman?". And I thought, "maybe I don't, but I sure as hell want to be with someone who does!".

And now I am. Turns out I wasn't so bad.

SweetChickadee · 07/04/2017 18:59

This is the man who adores you?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

JustSpeakSense · 07/04/2017 19:00

If you are as bad as he says why hasn't he left you?

Because he wants to use you as an emotional punching bag.

Run for the hills 🏃🏻‍♀️

ImperialBlether · 07/04/2017 19:00

OK well it's clear you have to end it. If you are that bad, you're saving him from a future with you. If you're not, he's a gaslighting twat. Win-win.

ExplodedCloud · 07/04/2017 19:02

He'll probably be quite nasty when you dump him too.

Notonthestairs · 07/04/2017 19:02

Dump, block and ignore.
He gave you a list of character faults for to you work on? No, no, no. That's not love, nowhere near it.
You can do a lot better.

BalloonSlayer · 07/04/2017 19:03

"I twist things to suit myself"

Takes one to know one, mate!

Agree with everyone else - get rid!

SelenaValentina · 07/04/2017 19:03

I agree with Expat and indeed nearly everyone else.

You could text with something like:

Thank you for letting me know how you feel. I'm sorry I can't be the person you seem to want me to be. I'm also sorry you can't be the person I'd hoped you were. But thank you for the good times we've shared.

Then keep well away to keep yourself safe - and maybe think about some counselling to find the self-esteem that will help for your future?

FairytalesAreBullshit · 07/04/2017 19:04

Yuk!

I think it maybe time to call it a day. I can see on one hand it's him airing his views, on the other hand he's being a moany arse MF.

It's entirely up to you, personally if things were going down hill, I'd be liable to say, sorry I just don't think this is going to work out.

TheStoic · 07/04/2017 19:04

Just say 'You're right. You deserve so much better. Goodbye.'

AlternativeTentacle · 07/04/2017 19:05

I'm honestly not who he says I am. I'm utterly floored by it.

Yes that is the point.

A - if you were that bad he'd have left, no?
B - if you aren't that bad, he will make you that bad if you stay and he can then blame you for everything forever and a day. Even if you never do any of those things, he will brainwash you into thinking that you do.
C - if you aren't that bad and never want to be that person that he is making out you are, the only option is to end this now. Don't fall down the rabbit hole of wanting to placate him.