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AIBU?

Aibu to think that he's being a bit harsh?

125 replies

Yooneecorngirl · 07/04/2017 18:20

I've been seeing someone for about 9 months. I know him from old, we went out together when we were teenagers (I'm now 42). To begin with he was an angel, dug me out of many a hole (hubby left and I've struggled to get back onto my feet since). He's kind (usually) and generous to a fault. He adores me (or so he says), but I don't feel as strongly.

Lately he's been different. Today I got a list as long as my arm of the bad personality traits that I appear to suffer from.

To paraphrase his tirade:

I take him for granted. He doesn't feel safe, valued or cared for. I make things up. I'm resentful. I'm spoilt. I mock him. We aren't equal, he makes an effort, I don't. I tell lies. I'm full of hate, it makes him miserable. I am quick to spit out the dummy. I don't value our relationship, it's a farce. I twist things to suit myself. I'm immature. I'm spiteful. I treat him with such disregard. I can't take constructive criticism without feeling the need to lash out. I play him for a fool. I am not committed to him or his son.

I feel humiliated and stupid. If I try to defend this, he says I'm not listening and more concerned about myself. He wants to call around to talk, but I know full well that it'll lead to me agreeing just to calm him (I'm such a doormat).

I don't know what to say or do. Hiding under the stairs has become a viable option.

OP posts:

Report

expatinscotland · 07/04/2017 19:58

Really hope you are not engaging with this POS right now.

BlueFolly · 07/04/2017 19:58

I am another one who thinks maybe youre giving off 'not into him' vibes that he is reacting against. Thing is, you can't suffenly feel into him, can you. If it's not working then it's not working. Bye!

TheBookIsOnTheTable · 07/04/2017 20:00

you think it sounds that bad?

Yes, it really does sound that bad. I would never say these things to somebody I cared about. And if somebody said them about me, I'd not have much to do with them ever again.

FlowerPowerPotter · 07/04/2017 20:02

Run for the hills - he's either trying to manipulate you or he honestly feels like this. In which case there's nothing to salvage. I'd send one goodbye text and then block his number and go out for the evening (or weekend even).

SchnooSchnoo · 07/04/2017 20:04

The thing is, someone with healthy self-esteem and boundaries would just think 'What a dick!' and dump him and not pay mind to what he thinks.

Someone with low self-esteem and wobbly boundaries (and I include myself in this at times!) can't bear to have anyone think badly of them, so will do their best to prove him wrong and placate him.

This is where he wants you. On the back foot and questioning yourself so that he can exploit that to get what he wants. You know he's wrong about you, so believe yourself! Don't let him get in your head.

KitKats28 · 07/04/2017 20:11

I can understand someone being reluctant to end a 20 year marriage/partnership over someone suddenly acting like this, but a nine month boyfriend? Why are you even listening to this shit from him? He's so not worthy of you even giving him a second thought.

Rattata · 07/04/2017 20:14

Wow - what a piece of work - he is trying to break you and will never cherish you. Run as fast as you can and don't look back!

DameDeDoubtance · 07/04/2017 20:15

Does he have a key to get in? He sounds appalling but you don't have to put up with his shit.

Booksandmags79 · 07/04/2017 20:17

Whether he's being harsh, he's an abuser or he's desperately clinging onto you because he knows you're not as keen, is almost irrelevant.
Ask yourself given everything that's gone on, and how you genuinely feel about him, do you want to be with him? Don't let fear of being on your own keep you in a bad relationship. And a relationship doesn't have to be abusive to be bad either.
To me if you can't be yourself and you don't want to talk through problems then it's probably run its course.
Cut your losses and find someone you are as keen on. Life's too short.

MooPointCowsOpinion · 07/04/2017 20:23

I hope that's the end of you hearing from him now because he's got the message that this is over.

Red flags all over this.

RhiWrites · 07/04/2017 20:28

Sounds like a Nice Guy (TM). They are bad news.

maddening · 07/04/2017 20:33

Reply to say that he is a dick, you refuse to be bullied by a twat and don't want to ever see him again

GabsAlot · 07/04/2017 20:34

9 months and he comes out with this shit

run away -fast

SingingSilver · 07/04/2017 21:09

This sounds like it's been building up for a good while - you've been together less than a year so he's been resentful of you for a good chunk of your relationship already!

If you value your mental health, you'll leave. Some of those things are right out of the "Big Book of Gaslighting and Emotional Abuse for Misogynists". Some men advise each other online to break their partners down mentally so that they'll end up with such low self-esteem they'll never even think of cheating or straying - who else would want them? It's a branch of that Red Pill bollocks.

Yooneecorngirl · 07/04/2017 21:35

Yes you're all right. He showed up, gave me examples of why I'm the twat he described, then left. I am an absolute disaster at talking, so sat there like a plum, in mostly muted silence. I wish I had the balls to say what was in my head.

OP posts:

MsGameandWatch · 07/04/2017 21:40

Got you out of many a hole? Right. Could you perhaps be becoming stronger now and not behaving as much like a needy victim as he would like? Maybe you're becoming unattractively confident and he's not comfortable with it so has decided to burst that bubble?

Dump him. This is only the beginning.

gamerchick · 07/04/2017 21:42

You don't need to talk, he deserves a text (I would say not even that but it'll be cleaner) telling him you're ending this relationship.

YouTheCat · 07/04/2017 21:48

Please dump him. He's an abusive twat.

FairytalesAreBullshit · 07/04/2017 21:49

Some people say ending things by text is harsh, but I worry if you did it to his face, he'll have an A-Z of your weaknesses and make you feel like shit. He will make sure you leave his company feeling like the worst person to have walked the earth.

A big thing is recognising abusive behaviours, there was a thread on relationships about the different types of abuser. I thought about it, it's astounding, situations that still grate you years later, you realise it's like they planted a seed in your brain. You know what they're saying is bull shit, you would not believe the lengths a manipulative person will go, to still have that power long after they've gone.

OutToGetYou · 07/04/2017 21:59

Gosh, he could have saved a lot of time and just written "I'm a wanker", I mean, it's more or less what he's saying, isn't it.
Dump him. Can't imagine why he'd want to stay with you if he thinks all that anyway.

notadutchie · 07/04/2017 22:10

Gosh that's awful.

Why would he want to be with you if you were as bad as all that?!

Definitely text him that it's over. He doesn't deserve it face to face - and he'll make it very difficult for you.

"I doesn't sound like I'm the right person for you and it's become clear that you're not the right person for me. It was fun while it lasted. Bye" something like that, with no apologies.

Ohyesiam · 07/04/2017 22:21

Op, you could have a man who likes you, who has respect for what you are. We all get irritated with things people DO, but aim to spend your time with people who like what you are. it's a good rule of thumb if you are not used to being treated well.

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honeyroar · 07/04/2017 22:26

Say what's in your head now, in a text or email! How dare he be so rude! Tell him you've heard enough, thanks.

notbankinonit · 07/04/2017 23:24

You don't run anywhere. Your gaffe? He goes. Dump!

Headofthehive55 · 08/04/2017 00:11

Like you said, he adores you but you dont feel as strongly.
The penny has dropped that you aren't as into him as he is with you.
Therefore he is lashing out, painting you as not a good person to be with.
The relationship sounds over to me!

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