Aibu to think that he's being a bit harsh?

[Yooneecorngirl]

I've been seeing someone for about 9 months. I know him from old, we went out together when we were teenagers (I'm now 42). To begin with he was an angel, dug me out of many a hole (hubby left and I've struggled to get back onto my feet since). He's kind (usually) and generous to a fault. He adores me (or so he says), but I don't feel as strongly.

Lately he's been different. Today I got a list as long as my arm of the bad personality traits that I appear to suffer from.

To paraphrase his tirade:

I take him for granted. He doesn't feel safe, valued or cared for. I make things up. I'm resentful. I'm spoilt. I mock him. We aren't equal, he makes an effort, I don't. I tell lies. I'm full of hate, it makes him miserable. I am quick to spit out the dummy. I don't value our relationship, it's a farce. I twist things to suit myself. I'm immature. I'm spiteful. I treat him with such disregard. I can't take constructive criticism without feeling the need to lash out. I play him for a fool. I am not committed to him or his son.

I feel humiliated and stupid. If I try to defend this, he says I'm not listening and more concerned about myself. He wants to call around to talk, but I know full well that it'll lead to me agreeing just to calm him (I'm such a doormat).

I don't know what to say or do. Hiding under the stairs has become a viable option.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

YABU to think he is being a bit harsh, @Yooneecorngirl - he is being very harsh!

You don't deserve this and should not put up with it.

I agree with previous posters who have said you should text him to say that the relationship is over, and you don't want to hear from him every again.

Do NOT let him come round and carry on abusing you in person.

If a friend you love told you that her 'd'p had sent her this text, what would you say to her? Would you advise her to agree to meet up and listen to more of the same? Or would you advise her to dump his nasty arse from a great height? I'm betting option 2. If a much loved friend would deserve better treatment, why don't you?

[expatinscotland]

No, no 'sorry' to this! You don't even owe him a text if you don't want to, I just threw that out in case you do. You owe him nothing. You are perfectly within your right to entirely ghost him, block and delete from everything. He comes round, you don't even have to answer the door.

[EweAreHere]

You are now in a position of damned if you do, damned if you don't.

If you defend yourself, you're confirming his criticisms.

If you don't, you'll be on eggshells, bending over backwards to prove him wrong, even if he is utterly wrong, and unable to be you.

I'd show him the door. Nothing left to discuss if he has such a low opinion of you that seems to allow for no good thoughts.

[FairytalesAreBullshit]

Expat put it better than I ever could.

I know people like this guy, you could ghost them and hope they take the hint, but then they'll do everything they can to make themselves into the victim, trying to find fault in text messages etc. When you simply want to say see you, have a nice day, they'll protract it out playing the hard done to side, listing all you faults and how you made them feel.

[Youdosomething]

Given your post I think you are probably giving off what you really feel about him and the relationship and perhaps you haven't realised this. Could be subconscious in your actions. You are saying that you aren't as commited as he is and this will show.

It is very clear that this relationship isn't working. Of course he also has no right to treat you or speak to you as he has. There are no excuses for his behaviour.

Seems an easy end for you both.

[expatinscotland]

Yep, Fairytale, been there, got the tshirt.

[timeisnotaline]

Text message- I've thought and thought and honestly don't know how I can make you feel safe. I think we should stop seeing each other.

[Goingtobeawesome]

He doesn't feel feel safe. What he meant was he doesn't want you to feel safe. He's testing the water. Run.

[AlternativeTentacle]

I have to say if anyone said that about me I'd tell them to fuck off then. No way would I have them round to talk. About what exactly? How crap I am as a girlfriend? No way Jose.

OP you need to stand up for yourself and tell him to go fuck himself. He is bloody lucky to have had a chance of being with you and he has fucked that up. He really does not reserve you.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Don't thank him for any good times. Stupid thing to say.

[Enko]

Another vote for getting rid. I would go along the lines of a text saying.

It is sad that you feel this way. However given that information I can't see how our relationship can function and wish you a nice life.

Then don't engage further. If he presses for a meeting to " talk" respond "Given the circumstances I do not feel this is a good idea" and dont engage further.

[FetchezLaVache]

You say you don't feel as strongly about him as he (professes to) about you - I'd say your instincts are trying to tell you something.

He's been softening you up, and it looks like he now thinks you're ready to start taking a few punches...

[QueenOlivine]

To begin with he was an angel, dug me out of many a hole (hubby left and I've struggled to get back onto my feet since)

This is classic, abusive and controlling men will often latch onto someone who's vulnerable and seem wonderful and caring at first, because when you are vulnerable that will make you more dependent on them.

You can choose not to have anything more to do with someone who gives you this barrage of nastiness. Just say no to him coming round and say quite calmly, if that's how you feel then it seems I'm not making you happy, so best to end it. Don't get drawn into a discussion. You are allowed to end it.

[honeyroar]

I don't see the way forward from that if he won't accept you disagreeing with it when you discuss it! I also noticed that you say that you don't feel quite as strongly as him. Things like that may come up in an arguement, but to write a list is cold hearted!

I'd tell him that you've really appreciated his support when you split from your ex, and that you were enjoying the relationship, but what he said upset you - you clearly aren't making him happy and you hope he finds someone who does in the future.

[BumbumMcTumtum]

If that's how he feels, why bother writing it out to tell you what an awful person you are? Why not just say that he doesn't feel it's working?

Think you'd be best to get rid, OP. Nothing makes it ok to be that cruel.

[Helbelle75]

Ugh, I was with someone like this for a bit. Worshipped me for a while, then started on the character assassination. Anything I said or did, he twisted to make me out to be a bad person. And I hurt him as well (no idea how) emotionally apparently.
I didn't stick around.
Run as fast as you can. No one should make you feel like that.

[gamerchick]

Have you dumped him yet OP? Seriously tell him to get fucked, he's a cock.

[MissMogwi]

Horrible. Tell him to fuck off.

Don't put up with this from anyone.

[Olympiathequeen]

Dump him immediately. At least my exH waited until I was pregnant and 4 years into the relationship to start this kind of shit. Being with a man just to be treated this way is something you learn the hard way is not acceptable.

[Fanciedachange17]

You are clearly not stupid. Your post is articulate and well structured.

Like everyone else (apart from the lone glue sniffer) I'm willing you to get away fast. No texts as he will realise he's gone too far this time and he'll suck you back in by being charming for a while. Block his number, delete all access and if you can, go away for the weekend and be totally unavailable.

[Spadequeen]

If you're that bad why is he with you? He's the one with the problems. I think you should dump him. So what if he says it proves his point, no longer your problem.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Honestly op if you were that bad, what kind of a father would have his son round someone like that?

He's setting you up to be utterly abused by him, take a deep breath and lock your door. Dump him.

[YouTheCat]

Run away.

Send him a text that tells him it's over. Don't let him in your house. Have you anyone who could come over in case he decides to turn up?