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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want another baby

19 replies

PoppinsMoppins · 07/04/2017 11:36

Will try to keep it breif...

I am 36, widowed with 2 dds age 7 and 4. My dh died when the youngest was 6mths.

Anyway life has been hard but I am now in a new reflationship with a fantastic partner of 2years, we just have one issue. He wants a child of his own at some point, and I don't want any more.

He is amazing with my girls and I know he desperately wants his own kids but i don't want another baby.

I love him and so do my girls. They would be devastated if we broke up but I just don't see another way round it. I have always been very honest with him and I think he thought I would change my mind.

So what do I do? Make the man I love and dds happy by having a baby? Or make everyone miserable by not?

OP posts:

Soubriquet · 07/04/2017 11:37

No baby should be born not wanted

If you genuinely don't want one, don't do it.

You could end up resenting it even if you try to hide it

If there's a small chance you do want another baby, sleep on it and give it a real good think

Booboo27 · 07/04/2017 11:39

It depends how strongly you feel about not having another one. If it's truly something that fills you with dread then you shouldn't do it. You could end up resenting the baby and also resenting your partner too. Plus do you want to spend 9 months pregnant when you'll probably not feel excited about things at all.
I think you should tell your partner that you aren't going to budge on it and then it's his choice if he wants to stay with you and the girls, or if he wants to just be friends so he can find someone else to have a baby with

juneau · 07/04/2017 11:42

If you don't want another DC then don't have one. You've always been honest about your views and he's stuck around hoping you'd change your mind. That's been his choice. I would never have a baby to make someone else happy if I didn't want one myself.

WorraLiberty · 07/04/2017 11:42

Definitely what Soubriquet said.

Original poster

PoppinsMoppins · 07/04/2017 11:51

I know but I know I would love the baby regardless. It just wasn't in my plan.

I just think i need to decide if it is more important to be with him or not have a baby.

Dds would be over the moon too. Need more thinking time!! Wish I was 26 not 36!!!

OP posts:

Booboo27 · 07/04/2017 11:53

Write a pros and cons list of all the things that would be good and bad about having another baby.
It sounds like you really care about the guy so maybe losing him would affect you more negatively than having a baby would. And like you say, you would love the baby regardless and you might find you end up becoming really excited about it too

WorraLiberty · 07/04/2017 11:54

Lots of wonderful things come about that were never in any kind of 'plan'.

But ultimately, it has to be your decision and not your DP's or your DC's.

OuchBollocks · 07/04/2017 11:59

I think your relationship is screwed, to be frank. If I had another baby just to please DH, there is no way I wouldn't resent the shit out of him when I was hanging with my head down the loo with morning sickness, crying in pain with heartburn and SPD, wincing as I waddled with post-birth stitches and doing that poo, covered in sick, mastitis, missing career opportunities because of maternity leave, nursing a sparkling water at a party while he necks the beer etc etc.

Biology means a baby will impact on you the way he cannot ever experience or imagine. You might love the baby but even the easiest pregnancy and baby is hard, it's a million times harder if you thought your childbearing days are done and were happy with that. If he can't accept that you don't want to have a child then it is over I think.

VestalVirgin · 07/04/2017 12:03

If the sexes were reversed and it would be your partner who would go to the pregnancy, I'd say, think about it.

But for a woman, having another child is not as easy as that. There's a risk to your health. That would be justifiable if you did want another child, but since you don't, and also have young children to care for ... no, I don't think you should give in.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 07/04/2017 12:31

By all means give it some more thought, but ultimately, remember that you have been honest with your DP, from the beginning.
He chose not to listen.
Perhaps another, in depth and final conversation, will help you with your decision.
Good luck OP.

ShatnersWig · 07/04/2017 12:44

If he is prepared to stay with you knowing there will be no children of his own, fair enough.

If he isn't and wants to leave the relationship, then quite frankly you've dodged a bullet. Because he came into your family unit, got your kids to love him, and will devastate them when it needn't have happened in the first place. Which makes him a git.

innagazing · 07/04/2017 12:59

It doesn't make him a git!

ShatnersWig · 07/04/2017 13:02

innagazing I disagree. The OP was honest and up front all the time. She didn't want any more children. He knew this. If he really wanted children, he should have walked away before getting seriously involved with the OP and her children, the eldest of whom is probably still old enough to remember her dad who died. Now here might be another man who is going to disappear because he wants his own children. I have no problem with him wanting his own; but if you do, don't get involved with people who state "I really don't" and expect them to change their mind.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 07/04/2017 13:06

When I met dh I had kids (lots of them tbh) youngest was 4. Just divorced and 4 years of hell Court case. He transformed me, my life and the future ahead for my dc (never had contact with their df - not my exh) he had never envisaged having a dc til he met me (10 years younger than me!) as time went on I realised how fantastic it would be to share a child with this fabulous man!! We are married with a toddler now 5 years on. . He has completed all our lives in a way I could never of dreamt of. . And our ds is adores by everyone!! Even people in the supermarket!! A total joy. . Your future can be a one totally different from the one you expected to have - and be so much more wonderful too!!

Original poster

PoppinsMoppins · 07/04/2017 16:40

Thanks for your replies.

The only thing that's making me doubt myself is wondering if my reluctance is because of losing dh so young. Not sure I could bear the thought of bringing another child into the world to lose a father

I know it's unlikely to happen but I think that is part of it.

OP posts:

haveacupoftea · 07/04/2017 17:01

I was just about to say you need to think about the reasons why you dont want another child. If its guilt about having a baby with a man who isnt your first husband or worry about losing your new partner maybe counselling would help you come to the right decision.

romany4 · 07/04/2017 18:00

Not the same circumstances but a very good friend of mine was a single mum with 2 daughters. Didn't ever see herself having any more children but met someone and he said he wanted his own child even though she didn't.
Fast forward five years and she went ahead and had a child for him at age 34. Baby born with lifelong health issues, she adores him but partner and her are having problems as her partner didn't envisage not having a healthy child and sometimes she regrets having him.
I'd think very carefully if you do decide to go ahead.

CPtart · 07/04/2017 18:48

Bear in mind too that you've only been together for two years, the honeymoon period still, and if you split (quite likely), you'd more than likely be doing the lions share of bringing up 3 DC alone. Many men are keen to have DC, not so keen to take up 50% childcare 24/7.

Tinseleverywhere · 07/04/2017 19:05

I don't think you should have another baby unless you are sure you want one, but think it over a bit more. It wasn't your plan so you must have had other plans even if they were a bit vague. But maybe if you take the time to really think about what you want you will make a clearer decision about what you want to do.

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