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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DP home for bedtime?

51 replies

brettashley · 08/03/2007 20:42

Ok - so the deal is, I work full time and am always at homw to put DS3 (aged 1), and DS's (4 and 6) in bed, story etc., while DP goes to the pub every night and comes home after bed time. It's starting to tee me off and sometimes to be honest, I sit in the car at the end of the road for ten minutes before walking into the house, because much as I love the kids, I would love to have a bit of downtime before coming in. I know this might sound like a whinge and I'm prepared to accept that, but does anyone else have similar issues?

OP posts:
ComeOVeneer · 08/03/2007 21:11

Do you both work full time? Perhaps you need to sit down and draw up a rota of chores etc. Are the older 2 kids old enough to be allocated jobs? Can you menu plan/online shop etc to reduce some of the work load?

TeeCee · 08/03/2007 21:13

Wow. I think you need to sit him down, but not tonight and let him know that you have been feeling unhappy and vcan you reach a comprimise so that he gets to unwind with a beer after work but is still around to help and be with his children.

Until you talk to him he won't know you are unhappy.

Lact8 · 08/03/2007 21:13

TC and COV have both given really good advice about making him realise that he's missing out and talking to him.

It'a a cliche but its true they grow so fast that you have to make the most of them while they're so young. And still want to spend time with you!

I'm quite shocked that he thinks that this is acceptable. My DP is dad to DS2 and DD and step dad to DS1. DS1 and I are a package and DP knew that. I wouldn't accept from him that it is only my responsibility to make sure he has cleaned his teeth or done his homework.

Have you said anything to DP about this before? How did he react?

TeeCee · 08/03/2007 21:16

If you haven't said anything before then he probably hasn't thought there could possibly be anything wrong.

Give em an inch and they take a mile!

ComeOVeneer · 08/03/2007 21:17

I'd say this is a situation you have both slipped into by accident rather than by design. I'm sure he isn't avoiding coming home, he has just gotten used to doing this and as far as he is concerned (as you haven't said otherwise) you are to.

TeeCee · 08/03/2007 21:17

I agree

Original poster
brettashley · 08/03/2007 21:18

Yes, I have said to him that I am unhappy about it, and he seems to see it like a control thing, that I am trying to prevent him from having freedom (his words). I don't want to sound too negative, because he is fabulous with all of the children when he is around.

To answer the other question, we both work but I have the bigger job, in that his wages fluctuate and mine is constant, and my job pretty demanding, so we depend on my salary.

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ComeOVeneer · 08/03/2007 21:18

Snap TC, perhaps our thinking isn't as far apart as I thought BTW (quick hijack) dh has decided it is ok for him to spend an extra day in NY on this trip only returning Sunday. Guess who is going to pay big time .

ComeOVeneer · 08/03/2007 21:20

Sorry but he lost a chunk of his "freedom" when he choose to settle down commit and have a child.

Original poster
brettashley · 08/03/2007 21:23

It IS a slip. and I have let it happen, because perhaps I wanted to show that I could manage everything without it being a problem. But I will try and make a nice dinner and sit him down and talk to him about US and why we are together and what me and the boys need

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TeeCee · 08/03/2007 21:27

Atta girl

Make him feel loved and needed and like he still has his freedom, be a woman and manipulate the situation, wrap him round your finger, work your charms, anything to get him to start doing what he needs to do.
If you can make it feel like it was his idea to come home earlier than even better!

Lact8 · 08/03/2007 21:28

Well said COV!

I think you should try putting it to him that its not about you wanting to control him, you don't mind him going to the pub after work on X,Y,Z(choose whats ok for you) but you are worried that he's going to miss out on the children. There's a book (racking brain to think, will get off lazy backside and go find it) that explains the different times in a child life that they need their father/male role model. Then its coming from a book and not you IYSWIM?

Say the kids love having him around at the weekend and would love to have a special evening with him? Popcorn and DVD?

ComeOVeneer · 08/03/2007 21:31

There is something vaguely satisfying about being able to manage it all by yourself and showing people you are a wonder mum, but you aren't (no offence but none of us are) and you don't need to be. Fine if his job means he isn't home until late because he is in the office then that is one thing but "down time" in the pub every night at the expense of spending time with the kids and easing the workload for you is simply not on. Dh rarely gets to do bedtime as he is inthe office but if he can get out intime he rushes home to be able to spend that 1/2 an hour or so with the kids, your dp should feel the same way.

Original poster
brettashley · 08/03/2007 21:38

OK - I have some great tips from you, and thank you all so much for all the input. It may be that it has gone so far that it will be super hard to turn around, but I know that he loves the kids. I lived in France for years so know about the "make him feel a hero" thing, and I will do my best, but thanks for the super supportive welcome to Mumsnet!

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TeeCee · 08/03/2007 21:39

Was this ytour first time on MN?
Oh bless you!
A massive warm welcome, hope you come back loads, xx

Lact8 · 08/03/2007 21:42

Hear hear again COV! you are speaking a lot of sense

I've made myself quite unhappy in the past by trying to be wondermum and DP now knows I need him there for bath and bedtime. We're lucky that his job is so flexible that he can split his day and come home for a couple of hours and then go back in to work when they're settled

Lact8 · 08/03/2007 21:46

Wow, firstimer!

You've got to come back and let us know how it goes

Book is (from memory) Steve(?) Biddulph, Raising boys or How to raise boys. Recommended by HV when I was having difficulty coping with full on 2 year old. Helped DP recognise a lot of the good things he's been doing as a Dad and showed him why the time he spends with the DC is so important

Take care and Good Luck!

Original poster
brettashley · 08/03/2007 21:49

I WILL be back (and let you know how things are)...hasta la vista, senoras..

(and I feel like I have made some great new friends already)

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LazyLine · 08/03/2007 21:54

Why can't he go to the pub for a bit some evenings once the kids are in bed? Then you can do stuff in the evenings as well. Maybe once a week you can both do something whilst the other puts the kids to bed alone.

I think that him coming back at 7:30 speaks volumes. He comes back once he knows that the kids are in bed and all the hard work is done.

Have you mentioned it to him at all?

LazyLine · 08/03/2007 21:56

Just re-read and saw that that you have spoken to him about it. Perhaps he's having problems with the thought of having lost his single life and freedom. We all do from time to time but it shouldn't last this long.

You both work full time. Therefore you should share EVERYTHING else 50/50. Maybe you have a system that works for you but everyone is missing out if he is avoiding the children.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 08/03/2007 21:58

It is the 'done thing' to go to the pub after work on site. But he should cut it to a Friday night only or something.

SweetyDarling · 08/03/2007 22:04

Wow - that's pretty horrendous behaviour!
I'd just give him a call one evening and say "honey, I'm at the pub - hope you're home taking care of the kids!"
Obviously don't actually leave the kids, but turn the tables a bit, and if he says anything just tell him he is trying to restrict your freedom.
Sometimes it's not until you are faced with your own behaviour that you realise what an idiot you have been.

ComeOVeneer · 08/03/2007 22:04

I of course am a wonder mum and greet dh at the door in a sexy outfit full make up and a martini with a fully homemade meal on the table and the little darlings fast asleep and a beautiful house, then fulfill (sp) my wifely duties {wink]

Original poster
brettashley · 08/03/2007 22:12

VVV is right and it is the done thing and I wouldn't try to stop it (especially because "early doors" is also the done thing). But the point is, are we joint parents, and at 6 o'clock, early doors is over, so what share should anyone's DP take? And I think the answer is half of the responsibilty.

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Original poster
brettashley · 08/03/2007 22:17

What is killing, is that this evening (after the row) I did come home, put the kids to bed, wash my hair, apply eyeliner, body lotion etc. so as to be the perfect "ribbon in the hair" 1950's housewife...and I'm all all alone listening to Magic FM!

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