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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's not a proper relationship if you've never met?

62 replies

Endlessmusings · 05/04/2017 15:35

Talking about relationships at work and one guy said he'd been with his partner for 8 years. I was surprised by that as he's 22. Turns out he met his gf online and didn't physically meet for 3 years.

I know you can have feelings for someone but surely in a relationship you need to physically be with that person? Not just sex, but little things like having dinner together, going for a walk, sharing a bed etc

OP posts:

SarcasmMode · 05/04/2017 18:25

I agree actually.

I was sort of 'with' someone for 3 years but we didn't meet then we met and stopped seeing him 6 months later.

Tbf it wasn't really a relationship- no idea what it was.

But I think you need chemistry.

TheNaze73 · 05/04/2017 18:59

YANBU. Never online dated, so can't get my head around the notion

Janey50 · 05/04/2017 19:02

I had a friend who was in a 'relationship' via the internet with a guy in the US. They met online and didn't actually meet each other in person for a year. She was saying she was in love with him and that they were engaged to get married. I was like WTAF? How can you get engaged to someone you've never met? Anyway,he eventually came over here,and they met. The relationship lasted another 6 weeks. Turned out they didn't like each other nearly as much in the flesh!

UppityHumpty · 05/04/2017 19:07

I think it just depends on the level of commitment. A good friend of mine is an actor, he works really hard, travels a lot, met another friend of mine via FB and they online dated for a year before meeting. They're now celebrating their 10 year anniversary. It can work for some people.

I personally agree with you OP. I view romance and dating and sex as an integral part of a relationship. I wouldn't personally consider it a relationship for me unless we were together face to face., but then I do have trust issues

GreenPeppers · 05/04/2017 19:17

I would find that strange too.
Regardless of how much 'in love' you are and how committed you are to the relationship, when you haven't met and you aren't meeting up, you can carry on with your life pretty much the same way than before. You might be sharing stories and feelings. But you aren't and are never sharing your space, your outlook for the future and your time with that person.

It's very different from a LD relationship (I was in one btw) where you have let's say a house together, you've met your respective friends and you have similar goals together (even if it's more like we are going to meet up in 2 months, what shall we do then?)

What really stands out for me is that to be in a relationship wo meeting that person, you need to be happy to live in a fantasy world where that person will be xxx.
I suspect that on meeting up a hell of a lot of those relationship will die pretty quickly because to get the just of who a person is from online messages is pretty hard. So you are more likely to get it wrong and to forge in your head an image that is far from the reality.
Again pretty different than a LD where you have actually met the person.

GreenPeppers · 05/04/2017 19:19

And YY to the physical aspect of the relationship that is missing too.

Chloe84 · 05/04/2017 19:23

You can form intense relationships with people you've never met in RL. I was introduced to a friend of friend by Skype and the relationship soon felt as real as if we had met in person. (We did meet later).

I can completely understand he says 8 years instead of 5 years.

Bobbins43 · 06/04/2017 14:50

Lemmonaise, I guess it depends on your definition of relationship. I get that it's not particularly usual but I really did love him. Completely and utterly. I had no doubt that we would be together if we could.

It obviously didn't work out but if circumstances were different and I had been a little braver, I like to think we could have made it work for a bit. I still feel very connected to him on one level.

YMMV, obviously. :)

corythatwas · 06/04/2017 17:23

I had met dh in the flesh first, but then embarked on a LD relationship that lasted nearly 10 years and did not involve anything like owning property together: we wrote letters to each other (too poor to phone and internet not invented) and met twice a year. And then we married and moved together. And are shortly to celebrate our 25th anniversary.

Branleuse · 06/04/2017 17:25

i think long distance can be just as real. Online friends can be real friends

Birdsgottaf1y · 06/04/2017 17:34

I worked with someone whose (now) DH had to do National Service, in Greece. She had been friends with a relative of his and he was looking for pen pals.

Via letter, they fell in love and it continued when they met, two years later, I think.

They count their relationship from starting during the Pen Pal days. I've heard some very romantic tales of Pen Pals during WWs.

I've also been friends with people who'd had a matchmaker involved, or an arranged marriage and a relationship has started from a distance.

So in some cases, I'd disagree.

user1491326393 · 06/04/2017 18:39

imo an online relationship where you chat on Facebook/forums then declare yourselves "in love" is not real. I know a girl who talks about her "soulmate" who lives in America, they talk via whatsapp and Facebook every day for about 18 months and she is apparently saving up to go and see him but she could be being catfished for all she knows.

meeting someone in real life even for one or two dates then going long distance and maintaining that via the internet, is absolutely not the same and is quite admirable really

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