To be upset at my dm's will?

[User87564758797]

My dm has told me that her and my stepfather wrote their wills recently. She said they were 'reciprocal'. If he dies first, she gets everything and if she dies first he gets everything. So far so good. The bit that upset me was that if she dies first, he inherits everything and on his death his brother inherits everything. Nothing at all for me and my siblings. I know it's nothing to do with me but this hurts. My dm & stepdf never had kids. It feels like us kids from her first marriage count for nothing. My dm is likely to die before my stepdf as she's older than him and has a life-limiting illness. She didn't say and I didn't dare ask what would happen should he go first. I know ultimately it's nothing to do with me & I should just forget about it. Somehow it hurts. My father is already dead and his 2nd wife inherited everything.

This happened to my friend: her mother predeceased her father, then her father's second wife inherited everything, which she left to her son from her first marriage.

My friend and her siblings lost all their family heirlooms, mother's jewellery, and portraits (of THEIR ancestors) that had been in the family for generations!

Yes it was their father's right to do what he wanted with his own belongings, but it was extremely hurtful to them and they lost access to parts of their own family history.

I would discuss it with her to make sure she realises exactly what she's doing. If she does, then fine. It's her right and you can assess your relationship accordingly. If she doesn't realise, it might be a bit of a wake-up call for her.

I agree that it's her choice and you don't have an automatic 'right' to anything, but it's worth making sure she has thought about it properly.

Elinor Who are you leaving your money to in your will?

I don't have one at present.

I think quite a lot about my stepchildren, but my stepdaughter's circumstances currently seem very secure. (She and her partner own property in London.) My stepson's situation is more precarious - but I would always listen to him, if he came to me for help in my lifetime.

I think I would perhaps leave my stepchildren personal items that they might value for sentimental/emotional reasons. (Their mother has had a decent career, so should be able to leave them an inheritance.)

My belief is that my main responsibility is to my own daughter, who I brought into the world.

I can see why this hurts from an emotional perspective. (I assume you're more bothered about that aspect than about any windfall you might get.) Ultimately, though, I'm not sure how you can ever raise it without sounding like you're grabbing at her purse strings. No matter how clearly you articulated the feeling of being discounted, it would be too easy for her, and possibly her partner to hear "Why aren't I getting any money?" I don't know how I'd deal with this one, tbh. I'd probably ignore it and let others/her make the discovery, if ever.

Luckily my DM is never likely to leave me anything which is a bigger relief than it should be so it's a problem I'm never likely to face. When my DF (actually step-father) died a couple of years ago though the bunfight that broke out amongst his blood-relatives was the stuff of novels. It got so ugly that it turned bizarrely hilarious. I only know of most of it because they tried to suck me in since, as his DSD, I'd been one of the last ones to still be talkign to him before he cut contact with everyone. Despite the fact that was a full ten years ago, everyone seemed to think I would somehow be able to help them get what they felt they were owed, so for a while there everyone was my new best friend. Creepy as hell. After a week of being hounded by twenty step-relatives I've barely spoken to in two or three decades, if ever, I messaged everyone back telling them to sort it themselves and that the next one to bother me was being passed onto the police. I'm now back to persona non grata, which suits me beautifully . My family is truly fucked up.

Oh, in mine I've left everything to my OH, and through him, our children. My adorable family won't be getting a sniff of it. It makes me almost want to fake my own death to see just how epic that bunfight would be when they all discover that they won't be getting a penny of it, since, despite reasonable amounts of evidence to the contrary, because of my job, they are all convinced that we are mega-rich. I am rich in immaturity, anyway.

In the recent RSPCA case the mother and daughter had been total nc for 25 years, so it was clear that the mother really didn't want her daughter to inherit. Even then she did get £40,000 or so.

I would always share things equally - how can you say that one family member is 'doing all right' so doesn't need anything, because no one knows what the future holds. The next day they could be diagnosed with a long term debilitating illness.
And there is the risk of jealousy and bad feeling between siblings. I would guess it's quite common for a permanent rift between family members due to what is read in the will.
And it's even more likely that there is bad feeling between step children. I would share evenly and if there is discrepancy explain your decisions to the inheritors.

So Elenor what happens if your step children don't inherit from their mother? What if it all goes in nursing home fees. Do you still feel they are owed nothing from their father?

I really, really hope you've been open with him as regards the minimal support you are actually prepared to offer them. You sound like the son from the first chapter in "Sense and Sensibility"

"Their mother has had a decent career, so should be able to leave them an inheritance."

Maybe, but - care home fees/home carer fees, their dm's remarriage/ last minute decision to leave everything to cat home - can all intervene. That isn't a comment on your dh's and your decision (or future decision!) though - more a comment on the fact that no inheritance is ever certain. Whereas you quite often see on mn people saying "the sdcs will inherit from their mother." (bold added). Ok they probably will - but there are enough threads on mn to indicate that they may not!

My belief is that my main responsibility is to my own daughter, who I brought into the world.

Yes, absolutely agree with this. However, shouldn't your DH's responsibility be with all his three children? His will/ wishes don't seem to reflect this.

I think my husband's wishes are his wishes. If he felt he wanted to split his estate in a different way, that would be his decision.

I've not tried to influence him.

I think it's more to think that in a future - when I may be his widow, if it's not me who gets run over by a bus - I'll be guided by what I think he would have wanted in terms of my relationship with my stepchildren, who are very different both in terms of their needs and their current financial situation.

With regard to their own mother, it is a tricky one. She has had quite a high-earning job, but - according to both children - really squanders money and makes poor decisions. So this will affect the amount she has to leave However, she has always been completely adamant that she (not my husband) is the only one who should have had any say in anything to do with the children's welfare. Some of her decisions about their welfare have been a bit eccentric. (For example, she insisted that only she should go to parents evenings when my stepson was in secondary school. It's very likely that she knew - because high-functioning autism runs in her family - that my stepson's problems were related to his not being neurotypical, but she didn't act on this information or access any of the support which might have enabled his teenager years and young adult life to go more smoothly.)

In terms of my potential responsibilities to my stepchildren as a widow it is a really tricky one. A continuation of the way in which stepmothers are marginalised - even demonised - yet perhaps simultaneously expected to do every single thing a mother would do?

We have a financial adviser, so the technicalities of how best to manage money will remain under review

A propos of not very much, the first chapter of Sense and Sensibility (Barbarian's post) is why I would never rely on anyone to 'do the right thing' - the message is, if there's anything you want to happen, put it in the will!

Thank you Miss Austen for your advice.

We are in the process of this. We have to get a trust deed drawn up to ensure my 2 DCs from my previous marriage inherit the rather substantial 85% deposit I got from the divorce settlement I put into our home with my now DH, should I die first. I wouldn't want that split 5 ways and neither does my DH. Same as if he goes first there are arrangements re his pension to his DCs and not mine (all DCs are 20yrs+).

My GF remarried and didn't do this. Suffice to say his DCs got diddly squat!

Never straightforward is it!

Honestly Elinor I think your position is pretty harsh towards your step children. It's quite an assumption that their mother will leave them anything, particularly as she squanders money. That she wouldn't let you / your DH attend parents evening is not the child's fault, but it almost sounds like you're using that as a reason for less engagement now and less financial provisions on death.

Step mothers don't have to be demonised or act like mothers but some consideration and nudging the father to care for his children equally (as he doesn't seem capable himself) would be the decent thing to do.

Well you would think it's harsh. Because that's the Mumsnet line.

I took good care of them as a step-parent when they were young.

I washed their pissed stained sheets till they were teenagers, when their mother wouldn't get help for their enuresis. I dressed our child my hand me downs, when they were kitted out fashionably. I bought marked down supermarket food so they could get coached for grammar school entrance, so that my partner could pay the over the odds maintenance payments, so she wouldn't stop the kids coming over. I looked after my skunk smoking stepson, every single time she chucked him out.

I've done my damnedest, and anyone who thinks I haven't really does not have a fucking clue.

Your dh paying above the odds maintenance makes him an adequate father, not an outstanding one. You chose to have a child with him in the full knowledge of his circumstances. And chose to support his career rather than (I assume) furthering your own, in the full knowledge of your joint financial situation. So stop blaming your step kids for the privations you chose.

It's lovely that you stepped up when their mother was unwilling or unable to do so.

It does seem even more at odds then with the expectation that she will provide for them well after her death which allows their father to give them nothing.

Anyway OP, I hope you know that some of us agree your situation is very unfair.

We both have an adult child from previous relationships

When we married, our solicitor drew up wills, where we leave everything to one another, after that 50/50 between our two children.

However it has been drawn up in such a way (apologies I can't recall the exact wording), whilst everything goes to one another, the remaining partner cannot change their Will (it will all go into a form of Trust when the first one of us dies).

Our solicitor called it the 'milkman clause' ... i.e. Should DH die and I marry the milkman, I would not be able to disinherit either child.

Should we both die, they will each receive 50% of at the age of 25 and the remaining 50% when they are 30.

Op, does your step uncle have kids?

Does your mum realise that if he inherits, then he is likely to pass your mums things down to her step brothers family?

Even if he doesn't have kids, it does seem strange that she has done this (yes, it's her choice etc, etc, but to be effectively cutting her own child and grandchildren out like this seems extreme). Do you have a good relationship with her? If you do, could you sit her down and tell her that you feel hurt - especially on behalf of her grandchildren who are being side-lined in favour of her step brother?

Yes I am acquainted with the step uncle who will inherit & yes he has his own kids too. It's not actually about money, it's about being thought of fondly & being remembered. There are no family heirlooms to be had, my dm doesn't wear jewellery or have any 'personal' items like paintings in her home. It's mainly Ikea stuff etc. I just feel sad about being forgotten / written off. I don't think she'd take it well if I questioned her about it. I don't know why I didn't say something at the time. I think she'd take my questions negatively.