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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wait for 2nd child

21 replies

Maltie · 05/04/2017 07:46

Apologies in advance for the long post but i dont want to drip feed at all.

Im 20 turn 21 in june and am currently studying UG course at University. DP has just turned 22 and works full time, good job, well paid, good prospects.

We have a 3 year old ds, teen pregnancy unplanned and a huge shock. Both families were really supportive and me and DP really stuck together as it was obviously a massive thing for both of us. We love DS but have at times struggled when our friends have been living a young care free life and we have been at home with a baby.

We are doing really well. We have just bought a car and are planning on buying a small house in the summer after saving every penny we could. Not to sound boastful but we have coped with the curveball that was DS and are now a happy functional family.

But now that DS is 3 theres pressure from his family for us to have a 2nd child and to not buy a 2bed house but to think bigger.

I dont want a 2nd child just yet. Id rather wait maybe another 5 years but everyone is saying that the 8 year age gap is too big. They argue that DS will resent us for not giving him q sibling and that "theres never a right time for a baby". My DM and DF think we should absolutley wait untik we are more settled and i have finished uni/started working. DP isnt ready yet either but is now letting his family get in his ear and has been thinking about it more.
The other thing is to buy a bigger house we would need a larger deposit or to take out larger LTV and its already took us over a year to save for the 10% deposit we have.

So my question is AIBU? Is it pointless to buy a 2 bed house and will it be terrible to DS to wait till im mid twenties to have another child?

OP posts:

HerBluebiro · 05/04/2017 07:51

No no and no.

Yanbu.

Noone knows what the future brings. You may struggle to have a second. But that should not put you off waiting until you are ready. It is a testament to how well you have managed your unexpected pregnancy that others think you are ready. But the only reason to have a child is if you want to. Screw what anyone else wants.

Siblings aren't destined to be friendly just cos they are close in age. I hated my older sister (2 years older) and adored my younger brother (5years younger). Now I can tolerate my older sister but we are very different people still

DontFundHate · 05/04/2017 07:51

Only you know when you're ready. It's your decision alone. Lots of pros and cons to having any aged children and I know plenty of people who have a big age gap with no regrets. Totally your choice.

Dozer · 05/04/2017 07:52

YANBU.

Your families need to keep their opinions to themselves.

LaurieMarlow · 05/04/2017 07:52

Of course it won't be terrible. There's no such thing as too big an age gap. Wait until you're ready.

They sound spectacularly unhelpful btw.

GeekGoddess · 05/04/2017 07:53

Yanbu, definitely not. My only advice is to stop discussing these things in such depth with other people, you sound like you're doing brilliantly on your own

imisschocolate · 05/04/2017 07:56

Your child won't resent you! There is 13 & 15 years between me and my younger siblings, 3 between me and my older. Made absolutely no difference to me growing up. Everyone had their own friends and played with them.

If you want to wait then wait. Do not let your family pressure you, do what is right for you.

I'm 32 and just had my first so nothing wrong with waiting till your mid 20's.

As for the house, best to not push to top of you budget and have some wiggle room. We started with a 2 bed and will move when we are ready. Could get a bigger house just now but would financially be tight.

I'd get DP to tell his family to sod off!

elodie2000 · 05/04/2017 07:57

Neither option is wrong.
You have to do what is right for you though.

Buying a bigger house & having another child now may make the next few years hard work but you would reap the benefits long term.
You wouldn't have to move again, your DC's would be close in age but workload/ nursery fees/ mortgage payments might be tight.
If you wait to have another, you would have to move again but workload/ money commitments would be spread out over a few years.
WWID? Looking back, first option. DC's similar ages. It's hard to start the baby stage again when you have an 8 year old. The things DD wanted to do weren't always possible with a baby in tow.

Redyellowpinkblue · 05/04/2017 07:58

You sound like you have your head screwed on and your priorities right. I don't understand families who put pressure on couples to have another child instead of focusing on future security for the one you already have. We're not young (30's) but bought a house and grew one business and started another in between our 2 children, we had so much pressure to have our 2nd earlier bit for us, security and good foundations were more important priorities so we did those first and absolutely 100% don't regret that. We bought a 2 bed with room to extend and we don't plan on ever moving from this house unless we absolutely have to as it's lovely, cheap mortgage and nice and roomy downstairs for a 2 bed, we will do the extension in the next couple of years.
Have another baby when you want to have another, not because anyone else thinks you should.

delilahbucket · 05/04/2017 07:59

Ignore them. My ds was 7 before we started trying. He's 9 now and I'm still not pregnant but the least of my concerns are an age gap and DS resenting me.
Go, live life and enjoy. You'll know if/when you are ready for another. You may decide one is enough.

SquatBetty · 05/04/2017 08:00

Absolutely nothing wrong with buying a 2 bed house and it's nothing to do with your families about when you decide to have a 2nd child - tell them to keep their noses out of it and I second the advice of stopping discussing this with them.

FittonTower · 05/04/2017 08:01

Your choices for your family have absolutely bugger all to do with anybody apart from you and your partner.
And I have 4 siblings, of various age gaps, my brother is just 2 years younger than me and we get on fine but my youngest sister who is 9 years younger than me is one of my closest friends and always has been. Age gaps do not determine how well siblings get on.

CosyCoupe88 · 05/04/2017 08:01

Definitely just do what feels right for you amd your family. Don't be pressured by them at all.. was a 6 and 11 year age gap between me and my siblings.. no resentment at all.. and less competition

beargrass · 05/04/2017 08:07

To echo a PP, you sound like you have your head screwed on right. I know yours is three, but people seem to be obsessed with only having a two-year age gap! I really don't know why or where this comes from, or what difference a close age gap supposedly makes.

If you'd been older when you'd had DS, people would be pressuring you after just a few months, believe me!

Having a baby under pressure sound like a recipe for disaster. Do what you want, not what others expect.

Manijo · 05/04/2017 08:44

YANBU
Absolutely go with what feels right for you. Nearly 7 years between my two and they love each other to bits. Barely 2 between my DH and BIL and they are not close at all. Think there is much more room for jealousy when they are closer in age.

Hillarious · 05/04/2017 09:50

Take no advice from people about when the right time would be to have another baby, but I would be inclined to listen when it comes to advice on house buying.

Friends of ours bought a two bed originally and really regretted it, as when they needed to move to a larger one, they were out of their price range in the area they wanted to stay in. A two bed with room to extend would be a compromise, but if you hold out and wait to get a three bed I don't think you'd regret it.

mmgirish · 05/04/2017 12:53

Your family are being very unreasonable. Besides, kids can share rooms!

ElspethFlashman · 05/04/2017 12:58

You would be INSANE.

And there's no such thing as a perfect age gap.

And there's never a right time for a baby, sure - but there's definitely a WRONG time for a baby!

Ignore ignore ignore. Be sharp if necessary. They are not remotely thinking about the two of you or of what you have both been through. So rude.

Honeybee79 · 05/04/2017 13:03

Of course yanbu. You and your DP must do what's right for your family.

damewithaname · 05/04/2017 13:03

There is a 4 yr age gap between my first and second and 6.5yr gap between my first and third... first and second are always at eachother over toys, who sits where on the couch etc. First and third are the best of friends. So I don't think "age gaps" are a rule to live by. Personalities may work wonderfully or clash despite the age.

MrsELM21 · 05/04/2017 13:08

Do exactly what's right for you! Nothing to do with anybody else!

I am a lot older than you and we had 2 DC's close together (less than 2 years) and they are amazing friends but my goodness it's been hard, so so expensive for childcare, nightmare juggling work and 2 little ones etc so it's certainly not the ideal. Sounds like you're doing brilliantly and you have loads of time to have a 2nd child, if you decide to at all...

HoneyDragon · 05/04/2017 13:13

Meh. Your dp needs to tell his parents to stay out off what goes on in your bedroom, and that when you procreate is s joint decision between two people only.

Fwiw there is seven years between my two and they adore each other.

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