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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i being a plonker about this? Warning - tedious.

24 replies

MrsKoala · 04/04/2017 20:06

I invited my sister and her kids to stay for the Easter weekend. She said great. DH would go down to collect her on Thursday am and then BIL would join us on Sat. My parents live near me so we would then all do family things together for the weekend and Sis would go home Sunday.

My sister never invites anyone to visit her and my parents never call her to invite her. It's kind of an unspoken stalemate where she thinks they should make the effort and go to see her (about 1 hr away) and stay in a hotel. But they think she should make more effort to visit them. Neither like to change their plans and like people who visit to fit in round them.

I am the only one who makes an effort to arrange family get togethers. I do this mainly because my dc love seeing them. (last time we were all together was 3 days around xmas which i organised and catered etc - just like the previous visit to us in Sept.). Parents just say they will wait for me to invite them and pop over when they are here. They say 'that's easy then'.

I told dc about the plans and they are really excited. Then i spoke to my parents yesterday and they said when my sis called on Mothers Day she mentioned the plans may have changed and she may stay at M&Ds instead. News to me.

I texted her today and asked if plans have changed and she replied yes, she would go straight to Dads on Thursday and stay the night there thurs and fri night. Bit will now go up Fri morning and they will all go out Fri night (we are not invited) and they will stay at ours on Sat and go home Sun morning.

I totally understand they want to see each other without me, but i think it's rude to change the plans after agreeing them and then not to even tell me. If i hadn't invited them i doubt they'd be coming up at all, as neither party would have made the first move. Its as if i have broken the ice to make a neutral ground invitation and then they can visit mum and dad without either party making the first invitation.

The dc will be disappointed too. As am i - i had thought of plans of things to do with DN's.

Just feel a bit deflated in a 'well, that's nice' kind of way.

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 04/04/2017 20:08

I would be a bit cross too. You should have been kept in the look, and the excluding you from Fri night is a bit off too.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 04/04/2017 20:09

Kept in the loop, even.

Original poster
MrsKoala · 04/04/2017 20:14

Yeah. I'm not raging but it just feels off and i feel a bit used by them in their stupid dynamic. If they want to see each other just frigging organise it themselves!

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/04/2017 20:26

Is she still expecting your DH to pick her up on Thursday?

If it were my sister I would text her right back saying something like hey what's going on with this last minute change of plans, we were making plans of things to do with you guys, that's why we invited you down. The children will be disappointed, what's up?

Foxysoxy01 · 04/04/2017 20:31

Tbh I wouldn't be picking her up Thursday and would be expecting her to make her own way down to see the parents. Then you can just meet her a day later.

Original poster
MrsKoala · 04/04/2017 21:24

Yes, she has said she'll get the train now. The plan according to them now is we'll see them in the day Friday, after bil drives up (so about noon) till the afternoon when we'll go home and they stay at Dads and then see us again Saturday and stay with us.

That doesn't really work for us as we don't want to hang about all day Friday. We'd wanted go and do something. The dc and dh will be climbing the walls.

I think i'll just say we'll see them Saturday and do days out Thursday and Friday.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsKoala · 05/04/2017 17:08

Just spoke to mum and sis had told them on Mother's Day that we 'had been chatting about it and had both come up with this new plan'.

Aargh. I'm more cross now. What a pointless lie!

Pffft. Just going to go out and suit ourselves now. Pffffffffffttttttt.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsKoala · 05/04/2017 17:10

I know no one is reading. I am alone and just need to make exasperated sounds in a general direction of people. Grin

OP posts:
GeekyWombat · 05/04/2017 17:12

I'm reading and I feel you. My family dynamic is different but has fafftastic similarities and I can relate to how infuriating it is.

I definitely think coming up with fun things to do with your lot and just seeing them Sunday is the way. At least there's no driving to be done now.

Floralnomad · 05/04/2017 17:14

I'd go away for the weekend and tell her she can't stay at yours at all.

averythinline · 05/04/2017 17:15

Make more exasperated sounds Grin and definitely go out and at least your dh doesnt have to pick them up....in fact will never have to again now they know how to use the train ....

Original poster
MrsKoala · 05/04/2017 17:23

Ha, yeah, the train has never ever been mentioned before. Sis is a real suit herself and change any plans at the last minute if a better idea pops up type person. With a lot of disingenuous 'what?!' Responses if you point out how fucking irritating it is.

My parents just shrugged today and said that's 'why we don't bother and you shouldn't either'. Which feels so shit.

Both dh and I are only children (she is my half sister and much older than me and never lived with me) and I feel sad for the dc as they are their only relatives.

PPFFFFFFFTTTTTT

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 05/04/2017 17:32

She's a cheeky user. Personally I'd be very pleased not to have her staying because I find guests a pain TBH but I'd be extremely cheesed off that the plan was changed and nobody bothered to tell you. Because I'm unable to put up with rudeness I would email them both and say that you've had a think and are really fed up and hurt that such a big change was made to your invitation and yet you were not given the courtesy of even being informed.

Then tell them straight that you have decided to have days out Thursday and Friday. You might be available on Saturday but aren't sure. Definitely don't host a big family meal and end up doing the one big and expensive meal. Suggest they take you somewhere nice for lunch.

If you let this go it will leave you resentful and they will do stuff like this again.

Original poster
MrsKoala · 05/04/2017 17:41

The sad thing is she just wouldn't care if we stopped making an effort. I feel sad that when my parents die I will have no one. Dh has no one and the dc will have no one when we go. So I do keep inviting them and getting pissed off. Last time when they turned up at 5pm after being due at 10am I vowed never again. But then the dc keep asking after them so I 'forget'.

I do really enjoy them being here, when they come tho. It's just all this dancing around bollox I hate. Gah!

OP posts:
elQuintoConyo · 05/04/2017 17:45

That's the end of facilitating further get togethers then, i'd have thought.

Tbh i got a bit lost in all the bil sil dm thursday train sunday monday pickup etc - my own fault for being sucked into the thread by your scintilating title Grin

I can understand you feel a bit fed up. Easter Flowers

Original poster
MrsKoala · 05/04/2017 17:47

I did warn you! Grin

OP posts:
elQuintoConyo · 05/04/2017 19:46

I can't resist a thread with the word 'plonker' in it Grin

GabsAlot · 05/04/2017 19:53

she sounds selfish i assume then you share a father not a mother if u never lived togethr

it is a shame but what can u do some people are just like that-not the kids fault

Original poster
MrsKoala · 05/04/2017 20:56

I do love a well placed plonker. That and berk are pretty satisfying and unusually perfect for certain scenarios. Buffoon too.

Yes, we have the same Dad, but she has known Mum since she was 3. Sends her Mothers day gifts and cards etc. So she doesn't have any issues with the 'Step Mum'. She's just like that with everyone. Her own Mum and her fall out frequently because they are both similar in this respect.

OP posts:
outofmydepth45 · 05/04/2017 21:22

You have every rate to be irritated.

Friends are the new family and all that, best to teach your dc to have people around who treat you with respect than allowing family to walk all over you. One day I'll try and follow my own advice Flowers

elQuintoConyo · 05/04/2017 21:55

I'm quite partial to a bozo and a wazzock myself Grin

MooPointCowsOpinion · 05/04/2017 22:01

So much faff. I have inlaws full of faff, cannot abide it. People have too much time on their hands if they can afford faff-time.

I'm sad about your family though. I have friends who are similar and they have kind of built their own family out of friends, it seems lovely, they holiday together and go on day trips and watch each other's kids. Family can be chosen if need be.

kiwigeekmum · 05/04/2017 22:45

She sounds super irritating so YANBU. You sound like a lovely person who is having to put up with a bit of frustration in order to have a good relationship (or any relationship) with family. Unfortunately some people are just like that - lovely when you're with them, but won't make any effort or go out of their way for you, and the relationship would fade if you didn't make the effort.

Might be best to plan a fun day out for your family Thursday/Friday, then enjoy the shorter time you have together on Saturday when they stay. And pat yourself of the back for helping your DSis and DParents to stay in touch. Flowers

Pallisers · 05/04/2017 22:52

The sad thing is she just wouldn't care if we stopped making an effort. I feel sad that when my parents die I will have no one. Dh has no one and the dc will have no one when we go. So I do keep inviting them and getting pissed off.

Start making friends that are close enough to fill the gap - because from what you described your family just aren't that bothered (although maybe your sister's children will be different??)

Over the years we have made good close friends where we are (away from family through emigration). We have had christmas/birthday/ graduation celebrations with them, helped them out when needed -
they feel like family to us - or the next best thing anyway and certainly better than a faffing useless family.

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