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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To serve the cake I want

43 replies

Sundayspilot · 04/04/2017 17:26

I'll start with a bit of history to avoid a drip feed. A large number of people in my family have serious food allergies. I have a milder one myself. My mother has had a life threatening food allergy for the past 25 years. I am not unaware or unfeeling towards the numerous issues and health concerns of those with serious allergies.

I have three teenaged cousins, all with serious peanut allergies. All three carry Epi-pens. Two of these cousins have been raised to be sensible young women who view their allergies as a fact of life. They see it as something to be aware of, but not afraid. The third, a young man, has been taught that the world is a scary place full of toxins waiting to kill him. At our last family BBQ he was not allowed to eat anything. He drank water provided by his mother.

I am planning my son's first birthday party. Funds are a bit tight as I have been on maternity leave for a year. I had planned to bake a vanilla cake with raspberry jam. I am an avid home baker and home canner. There would be no nuts in the cake or jam. I maintain a tidy kitchen and clean all my baking materials after each use. I do have a sealed jar of peanut butter in the home, but it would be nowhere near any of the ingredients or tools. This is more than sufficient for the two girls, who have been happy to eat at my house before.

My concern is with my male cousin. I am not sure that he will feel confident, or even be allowed, to eat this cake. I had initially planned to go ahead as planned, but a part of me feels like a bad hostess serving something that I know a guest won't have.

There is a nut free bakery in town, but they are very expensive and out of my price range. Also, my mother bought cupcakes from there last year and my cousin still wasn't allowed any. This is a reputable bakery with a huge following so we have no reason to doubt their nut free status.

Is it wrong to serve my own cake, knowing he will be left out, or should I order the expensive cake, with a high likelihood that it won't be deemed "good enough" anyway?

OP posts:
MumW · 04/04/2017 18:58

DD has a nut allergy and carries an Epipen. She was diagnosed at the age of 13 and for a while, we were super fussy, scared and finding our way.

Even at the beginning, I would have been happy that you'd taken the necessary precautions and we'd have allowed her to eat your cake.

FFS, he's an adult. I would ring the mum young man himself, explain what/how you are making and what you are planning to protect him. Ask what you can get that he can eat or would he feel safer bringing his own?

Make your cake. I'm sure you child's birthday party will be fantastic.

Scrumptiousbears · 04/04/2017 19:14

If he won't be allowed your nut free offerings anyway then I'd do my own thing.

gamerwidow · 04/04/2017 19:21

Make your own cake. You're making sure it's safe for those with nut allergies it's not like you're doing a coffee and walnut cake or something. I often bake for my niece who has a severe nut allergy because it's so hard to find shop bought nut free cakes. He should be grateful you're not just getting one you like from the supermarket that he definitely can't eat!!!

Tanaqui · 04/04/2017 19:25

Our Sainsbury's nut free (everything free!) traybake is £7!!

Jealous of earlier poster!

blackteasplease · 04/04/2017 19:45

He's 20??

How on earth can he not be allowed something?

BillSykesDog · 04/04/2017 19:50

Just tell him what you are serving and ask him to bring his own if he needs an alternative. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and I'm sure he will appreciate that you won't have the time or funds to make special arrangements at the moment.

I hope it goes well and you have a lovely day. FlowersCake

Floggingmolly · 04/04/2017 19:52

Is your 20 year old nephew really going to come to a toddlers tea party?

KateDaniels2 · 04/04/2017 19:57

He is bloody in his 20s.

Its your sons 1st birthday party. The cousin is old enough to just accept he cant have cake and he isnt the focus of the party. The one year old is.

Who would stop him having cake from the nut free bakery?

AgentProvocateur · 04/04/2017 20:04

Hugely off topic, but what sort of things do you can, and how do you do it?

BillSykesDog · 04/04/2017 20:05

Molly. RTFT. The OPs son is very ill so it's not a run of the mill 1st birthday party and is obviously a bigger deal.

jay55 · 04/04/2017 22:52

Stop wasting energy on this dilemma.

FaithAgain · 04/04/2017 23:03

OH bless you Sundays for wanting a lovely party for your DS. When I read the title I imagined you were going to say you were going to make a cake with ingredients he couldn't eat at all!

It does sound like a weird set up if they only let him have bottled water they brought from home?! Does he still live at home? Doesn't he protest?! Anyway, no, YANBU. Make the cake you want, get something that says NUT FREE all over it for your nut free family members but expect that he will be on the water again. I hope your DS has a lovely birthday party Cake

Avioleta · 04/04/2017 23:05

20! It's a non issue. Make the cake you want and take the reasonable precautions you have planned. He's a grown man. He can decide whether to eat it or not.

emmyrose2000 · 05/04/2017 00:10

I agree with everyone else - make your own cake. Even without the allergies, there's no guarantee that every food item on offer at the party is going to be to everyone's taste anyway, so there's no need to cater to just one or two people's likes/abilities to eat something.

You're male cousin's biggest problem isn't his allergy, but his mother. If she hasn't gotten him used to the "big bad world" by now then she's done a piss poor job of parenting.

emmyrose2000 · 05/04/2017 00:10

Your, you're! Damn autocorrect.

AdoraBell · 05/04/2017 00:17

Agree, bake your own cake. Surely his parents, if he is a child, can bring food for him to family gatherings, no?

MommaGee · 05/04/2017 00:23

Big hugs for your poorly one, he is the only one you need to set the day for. You're already making sure everyone is safe, he can east or you can have an extra slice. Your lovely boy won't care! X

Klaphat · 05/04/2017 04:46

I have three teenaged cousins, all with serious peanut allergies. All three carry Epi-pens. Two of these cousins have been raised to be sensible young women who view their allergies as a fact of life. They see it as something to be aware of, but not afraid. The third, a young man, has been taught that the world is a scary place full of toxins waiting to kill him. At our last family BBQ he was not allowed to eat anything.

Do whatever cake you want but how do you know his allergy isn't more severe, or that he isn't multi-allergic? Maybe you're right and his mother is a loon, but maybe he has a more difficult time working around his allergy/allergies than the other cousins.

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