to ask whether this normal and IABU or not?

[bananacake1]

Sorry, the background is a bit long:
Friend who I haven't seen for about 10 years has cancer. She was more a friend of a friend even when I was in touch with her, tbh. We always got on ok and we didn't fall out, just drifted apart and went down to Christmas card friends level. She lives with her DH and teenage son about 2 1/2 hours away.
So, she called me up out of the blue a couple of months ago to say she'd just been diagnosed. She said it had given her a shock and she wanted to get back in touch with all her friends that she hadn't seen for a while. I was shocked at her diagnosis, tried to offer sympathy and agreed to meet up with DH and the children etc.
After a lot of back and forth with dates she asked us to come to her and stay over. I was a bit hesitant about staying over because she's ill and having guests is hard work. Also, I don't know her that well, and tbh I think we'll all run out of things to talk about after a couple of hours. However, she seemed really keen so we accepted her offer after checking that she was up to it.
Then she emailed back saying she wanted us to stay 2 nights instead of one and we'd be expected to "pitch in", and btw some other friends of hers that I have never heard of would be there too. I replied saying I could only do 1 night, but thinking that of course we'd not sit on the sofa expecting to be waited on.
Then, within minutes, she emails again saying that we should arrive after lunch but maybe we could arrive a few hours earlier and help her friends do some decorating in her house. She added that we shouldn't feel obliged to do the decorating but it would be great if we felt we wanted to. (I don't know if she thinks its a good idea to let me DC loose with a paint brush or they're just supposed to watch tv or something).

I am feeling very uncomfortable about this but I've never had cancer. Maybe the only way through is to ask for help?

AIBU?

Very odd..I would take a rain check. I couldn't think of anything worse in that situation, than a house full of people doing 'stuff'. However, we are all different, and deal with things differently.

If you're uncomfortable now, it'll probably be worse when you get there. Sad situation though.

Back out with saying your children are ill for sure.

It's really odd. She just wants 'help' bi having cancer doesn't automatically entitle you to boss everyone around and ask for more than is reasonable.

You could thrm say to her you are in her area for x reason (make an excuse like work, visiting family etc) - just you- on x date did she want to meet for lunch if you wanted to see her. Then take along a lasagne/casserole to give to her for 'help' - job done you've then seen her and helped a bit but on your terms not these weird ones!

I would back out. Tbh she doesnt sound much like a friend, you havent seen her in 10 years and all you do is send each other a christmas card once a year. Not really a friendship.

I would fake an illness and not feel bad about it. Cancer is shit but it doesnt entitle you to be a grabby cheeky cow.

OP, you said she was more a friend of a friend; our you still friends with the mutual friend? Have the mutual friend been invited?

Both of us have loosened our friendship with the mutual friend. I'm more in contact with the mutual friend but not nearly as much as the fof seems to think. She seems to think we see each other all the time, like we used to 20 years ago, but it's more like once every few months. I was planning to explain this when i saw her as she didn't seem to hear me when i told her on the phone.
I haven't spoken to mutual friend about this visit mainly because i don't want to stray into the territory of sounding like I am not sympathetic.

Mutual friend isn't going. Nor is anyone else that we might even have vaguely known in common from the 90s. As far as i know its just her family, my family and the other couple who will apparently be doing the decorating.

Don't go, sounds awful. Tell her all of you have a sickness bug. If and when she tries to rearrange just keep telling her you're busy.

Sympathy is not a good reason to go and do something that you're really dreading.