To expect DH to be on call for baby when I'm ill?

[ToffeeForEveryone]

Genuinely not sure how other people handle this situation, willing to hear IABU. Sorry it's a bit long!

DS is 1 year old and in nursery 3 days a week so I can work part time. Today I am off work unwell with a sinus infection - had it for about 2 months off and on but the last couple of days I've been feverish, couldn't make it in today. Got some antibiotics from the doctor this morning and have spent most of the day so far in bed weak and sweating so glamourous. The last time I had antibiotics, or went to the GP for anything other than pregnancy, was about 10 years ago.

DS is just getting over a cold and has been a bit unsettled and tearful at nursery drop off last week and again when DH took him this morning.

DH has asked me twice now, once this morning and once at lunchtime, to go get DS early as he was tearful when being dropped at nursery. I'm refusing as if I was well enough to look after a toddler I'd be well enough to be in work. I'm in bed ill and frankly not sure how I'm going to manage walking over to pick him up at 5.00 never mind entertaining him all afternoon.

Also, and this is purely speculative, because there's been no call from them and there's no reason to think DS's not fine, but - DH says he is completely unavailable today as he has a meeting late afternoon he can't miss. So if DS was to get ill at nursery today there's an automatic expectation that I would be the one who has to get him.

I have stuff to do at work too that I am missing today because I am unwell, which is going to make for a stressful time catching up when I'm back in. If I could, I would be in work today. DH's attitude has just made me feel very unsupported and sorry for myself that he's not stepping up whilst I'm unwell.

What would your family do in this situation - would you expect the non-ill parent to be on call / picking up from nursery? Or am I being lazy and selfish by not having DS home with me today?

"a little local job for pin money"

This is indicative of a big underlying issue and you really do need to have that conversation ASAP.

MrsTerry I entirely agree with you. I have sacrificed my career and am a bit buggered if we divorce. And so it goes for so many couples. Crap for women, feminism, society. However, unfortunately many careers are not compatible with doing 50% of the childcare. I did consider insisting that DH did 50%, but it would have meant a change of career and losing about 80% of our annual income. So it was a choice between what works best assuming we stay together vs what works best if we divorce. I've gone for the former and have my fingers crossed.

Mind you if he had ever said anything about "a little job for pin money" I would have absolutely insisted he resign from his job and take on half the domestic stuff. Never mind the money. That would have me

OP - it sounds like there is a wider issue here in that you might feel he doesn't value your career as much as you would like him to.

At present you only have one child. More DC are likely to mean more career breaks for you, as he is the main earner. Have you discussed this?

My DH was quite blatant that he didn't want me going back to work after DC as he didn't have the kind of job that could be flexible and that was that. I only agreed to this as I didn't actually want to leave the DC in any case, so it suited me. In your situation, it sounds as if your DH is presuming you will sacrifice your career, but you may have different ideas?

Depends how ill you are really. If throwing up or shaking with rigors YANBU to insist DH cancels his meeting. If just fever and feeling unwell, I'd pick up from nursery. Get a taxi or bus instead of walking? I've had to do this when feeling awful with an infection.

If he's the main breadwinner I can understand him wanting to prioritise his job. Especially if he's in line for promotion.

My DH has done nursery pick ups when I'm ill, but if he has something on at work (eg late meeting) I try not to ask.

Oh we are headed backed the 1950s in a hand-cart.

Then women get discriminated against in workplace because men never have to ask for a day off to look after a sick child.

If my dh said anything about little jobs for pin money I would organise a feminist intervention.

Re: today, what Sirzy said. Good to avoid taking time off unless other parent really too ill to go. But you're upset about it because it's indicative of a bigger issue, namely that DH considers his planning to be more important than yours. There is no reason to pick your DS up early if nursery hasn't called and if your DH wants it done, then he can do it.

Everyone finds their own balance but I always refused to work in a second fiddle role. Eee, and I was bloody glad of it when he went off with a woman ten years younger than me, but that's another story.

Whatever balance you want, I would be firm regarding the working life you want and what is necessary from your DH to facilitate that. You'll both have to make some compromises and the argument that you don't need the money is not enough because you do not only work to earn money.

I would maybe try not to argue too much about what is fair or how you feel about it...you might get a better reaction if you leave it in this particular instance, and for the wider conversation explain that you will not be working for pin money, you will sometimes have to cancel meetings and so will he because you have a child together and you both work. It would be nice if he was more concerned about you being ill but there is a genuine argument for a mildly ill partner who doesn't have a meeting struggling on. The point is, were HE ill and YOU had the meeting it would then need to be the same. All this assuming DS needed to be picked up early, today he doesn't of course.

Ask him if he's comfortable with you looking after ds when not well enough? Ask him if he feels safe?