Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Total arse burger

44 replies

FairytalesAreBullshit · 02/04/2017 16:14

Thought I'd have a wee rant and have a post where others can moan if they've had a crap day.

I was up all night in pain, so I text DH a few things I would have liked. I said let the children get a treat, grab something for yourself too as a treat. I sleep downstairs as I can't do stairs, for a while I was a target during indoor football that has seen two really sentimental things get broke, one can't be fixed. DH decides he's got to do the garden and starts ranting, I've slept in a weird position so it takes me 10 minutes to try and move through the pain, all the while DH ranting. I get a cup of tea, I have the occasional cigarette if I'm in pain, I'm by the back door, DH goes and pours a jug of water on me, saying sorry I thought you were on fire Shock I sort myself out, DS & DD come to my bedroom, they help me getting a towel and fresh top of their choice. DS & DD go off to play games in the wooded bit at the bottom of the garden, DH has made it clear he isn't going out, fair enough. Spends all afternoon on the garden, moaning and moaning about how something hurts. (I feel like saying take the pain, multiply it by a hundred, then have it all day, all night, you've now got what I experience!)

He's ratty I didn't make the children lunch, but I was asleep, he's ratty he's had to put his roast in the oven. He barked that I could fucking move out. (Children were in the foresty but so didn't hear luckily) But every weekend it's the same and he rants about the same stuff. Then guaranteed later, he'll be trying to get in my knickers. DS asked the time, DH swore as he needs to grab bits for Sunday tea, which is for him and the children. I changed what I wanted to a 4 pint bottle of milk, whatever the children want, plus whatever he wants. He starts moaning again whilst waiting for the children. Oh I've got dinner to finish, ironing to do.

He never says what can you help with, would you mind doing this? If I'm sat down I could sort the ironing, or if DH wanted to help someout out he could easily pay for someone to do it. I got told yesterday that I could call the window cleaner and pay for a big clean as he knows I've got some money. I even suggested yesterday I'm sure there's someone somewhere struggling for money that would love to earn a bit extra doing the ironing, or doing the garden, whatever he's choosing to moan about.

It drags me down as I saved half this sandwich, which I was pretty impressed with, he said it's just fucking food, oh you made a sandwich here's a certificate.

I didn't ask to be ill, I don't like not being able to do things, even when I offer he moans I don't do things to his standard. Yet I taught him to cook, clean and iron. I used to iron all the clothes for my parents and siblings when I was little. If I got asked I would mind be swore/moaned at. Even if I was to offer he'd moan about the fact I could have done it yesterday.

I'm lucky the children are angels, my brother is really supportive. My sisters aren't overly fond of DH so wouldn't really complain about him to them. The most annoying thing is when the children are in bed he'll be trying it on, saying he deserves a reward for his hard work. I think his reward is the fact I don't bite at all when he's going off on one.

Do you think the fact that I don't argue back, apologising, offering suggestions enhances his feeling of legitimacy of complaint.

Like I said I do lots with the children, I would love to do housework and gardening, but it's just not feasible. I suggested he get himself some craft beers as a thank you from us. Nothing is good enough. I could get him the moon on a stick and he'd find fault.

Is it a full moon or something?

OP posts:
LimpidPools · 02/04/2017 18:09

This sounds awful Fairytales and he doesn't sound like a nice man.

He sounds like a misogynistic bully who has spent years grinding you down.

BlackDoglet · 02/04/2017 18:19

I'm super impressed you spend £800 a year on food shopping for a family of four!
(Misses whole point of thread)

thatdearoctopus · 02/04/2017 18:44

And him pouring a jug of water over you? What about that?

MamaHanji · 02/04/2017 18:46

I don't get why you are going on about money. But he is an abusive wanker. When you said 'he tries to get in my knickers and says he deserves a reward.' I'm sorry but what the fuck.

He doesn't like any evidence of having a wife/partner...I'm sorry but the way it looks to me is you are not his partner. He is an abuser.

And it's not called answering back, in a relationship. You're not 6 and he isn't your teacher or parent.

You need to leave. No excuses. He is not a good man.

HerBluebiro · 02/04/2017 19:43

I get why you are going on about money. You are showing us how you contribute to the running of the family. You save a fortune with careful shopping and this is as helpful as if you were bringing home that extra money as a wage.

That would stand you in good stead if you have to go it alone at any point.

So when you pull together things are good. You have a similar Outlook on spending, and have raised helpful children.

So why does he throw water on you. Then try to get in your knickers. Tell you about women free is perving over and pretend to be single at work?

He is not a nice person

ellencherry · 02/04/2017 19:52

He sounds awful. Pouring water on you and demanding sex.

Not nice for your children to grow up around.

Leave him.

Falafelings · 02/04/2017 20:42

Pouring water in you is unacceptable. Please explain what happened.

All the advising/researching /paperwork you do each week is a valuable contribution to the household running but is actually a very small amount compared with the physical labour your DH offers the house/kids/his job. Does your DH get time away or time to look after his own health/needs.

thatdearoctopus · 02/04/2017 21:11

but is actually a very small amount compared with the physical labour your DH offers the house/kids/his job.

Come on, he's done pretty much what millions of women do every day, every week of the year, working full time and running a house. He has a disabled wife who tries her best to minimise his stress, despite being in lots of pain.

Sorry, OP, but he's a bastard. Still can't get over that water business. It sounds to me as though you're numbed to much of the abuse he gives you.

Stelllllaaaa · 02/04/2017 21:19

OP I read one of your previous posts and only 2 weeks ago you were saying he keeps asking you to move out.

Neither of you seem happy. You talked about some support housing and that you would like that.

It's a big life changing step BUT maybe it's for the best that you both move on Flowers

LittleWingSoul · 02/04/2017 21:44

OP I think you've been given a bit of a hard time by some. I sympathise with you.

Are there ever good times with your DH? Are they getting less and less? What I'm saying is could this just be a bad patch?

All the life admin you do is commendable, if my DH took that aspect of running the house away from me it would take a massive chunk out of the daily stress of doing the physical stuff.

Also, I really want a Costco card now!

Hope you begin to see some light at the end of the tunnel OP.

FairytalesAreBullshit · 02/04/2017 23:16

It's like being stuck in limbo at the moment, as I'm waiting on benefits to be processed, I was pretty much told I need that in order before proceeding with social housing, because of banding etc. Plus I've been really ill which has held things up. I'm lucky my brother has been helping a lot. I'm sorry for complaining. I should really focus more on the positives.

He's such an amazing Dad, he really is. We're both aware that we compliment each other with our strengths. I'm big on budgeting, I'm big on organisation, continued education. Where he does the physical stuff. Although tonight he looked at different stuff he does, we spoke about what we could reasonably ask DS to help with at his age, so he does more for his pocket money and money that goes into his savings account. DD can do some bits, but she is still quite young.

After I posted the last bit, I became quite unwell, it was suggested and insisted that I take a bath with his help, which redeemed things slightly. He's been in a better mood since, he said that sorting the garden this weekend has left him with back ache, so that could explain his bad mood. I feel so fresh from having a bath, it's helped with the pain I was in. It's that sparkly shiny feeling, it's lifted my spirits.

We're careful not to argue in front of DC's, I'm rather stoic, although when alone I have moments when it gets overwhelming, I break down.

I feel sad it hasn't gone how I expected, at the same time I know it's a lot to deal with. I'm totally happy at the thought of it being me and the children, like my name, I don't think the fairytale dream will ever happen. I don't know if others parents were the same decades ago, but mine had terrible rows, screaming and all sorts, it was always upsetting for us. My experiences as a child, pretty much has created expectations on how my own children should be looked after. I don't know if liberal is the right term, but as well as the above, I don't believe in smacking, I don't shout, I believe negatives are to be learnt from.

Budgeting wise, I'd definitely recommend the Costco card, I think it's £25 a year. You can buy so much, one example is a massive block of goats cheese for about £6, when at supermarkets a small amount is crazily priced. Herbs and spices are really cheap, they have various offers on too. One thing that would save you quite a bit is planning meals, plus using left overs for other meals. So today DH cooked a roast, the left overs can be used for meals the next few days. I think all DH's lunches are covered, plus a couple of evening meals. There's still meat left over which will be turned into a curry or something we call Mediterranean stew, so meat, canned tomatoes, veggies, then serve with rice.

There's various shops that sell food on the verge of best before dates. They sometimes take your number and text what offers they have. Ask at your local shop or super market when food is marked down. There's lots you can freeze and defrost no problem. B&M, shops like that do various staples cheap. Chinese and Indian shops are good to get decent stuff, there's usually several shops in a city.

It sounds like it takes up a lot of time, but it's not a luxury we have, we manage fine, DH isn't always scouting for bargains. A big part is knowing what you enjoy, then tailoring your shopping round that.

I posted about a sandwich I made, a bit odd I know, but wondered what other peoples favourites were. I got a bit of money last week, one treat for me was this idea of a certain sandwich, I broke down the costs to show if you make your own lunches over works canteen, or shop bought lunches, you can save so much.

It's a habit from years back, I've said on posts about money, where people were saying oh so poor. It's your attitude to spending and life in general which can really help. I hear from DC that their friends have been here and there, where for a family outing you're looking at £40 to get into a nature reserve, where if you have a lake, nature trail, reservoir nearby, you get the same experience for free. I guess a lot of this has come from my childhood, where money was really tight, so the most random things provided entertainment.

OP posts:
FairytalesAreBullshit · 02/04/2017 23:24

Just a big thank you for all of your replies, they all hold merit, we all have different views on things.

My aim is to get everything sorted, then work on building some stamina, so I can achieve some of the things that are important to me.

It might sound immature, but having freedom to decorate is something that really motivates me. Also I hope that DH is happy when what he wants becomes reality. For the children I think being friends is important, I know it's not always possible for everyone. Again from experience as a child, I want things to be amicable, I want us to share parenting values.

OP posts:
Fanciedachange17 · 02/04/2017 23:28

If you want to save money then give up smoking.

AuntMabel · 02/04/2017 23:38

Then guaranteed later, he'll be trying to get in my knickers.

After pouring water on you, and spending the whole day belittling you whilst you appear to be suffering from a chronic health condition? Hmm

He sounds horrid.

BlackeyedSusan · 02/04/2017 23:55

poor fucking delicate flower that he is. I do bloody everything in the house or not as a single parent. so do many others. he needs to get a bloody grip the abusive arse.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/04/2017 00:51

I'm sorry, I just can get past it: Why doesn't he want people to know he's married/has a partner? That seems very odd to me, especially as I assume whoever these people are, they know he has children?

thatdearoctopus · 03/04/2017 09:57

Thought I'd have a wee rant and have a post where others can moan if they've had a crap day.

Is it a full moon or something?
Hmm No, it's because he's an abusive arse.

Why are you minimising this, OP? And you still haven't responded about the jug of water. That is one of the worst things I've read on here in a long time and you've kind of dismissed it almost as a joke. He humiliated you in a dreadful way - plus, your children had to help you dry off and get a change of clothes.

Wake up! This is an appalling situation.

SparklyMagpie · 03/04/2017 10:29

I cannot understand why you're with him?!

MamaHanji · 03/04/2017 10:58

I think you are living in a fairytale. How can you not see he is an abusive wanker? Forget all your fucking budgeting (which is bloody amazing from everything you've said) he is a nasty bastard.

He poured water on you!

He uses your body as 'he deserves a reward'

He doesn't want people to know he has a wife/partner

Why are you refusing to listen to what everyone is saying.

YOU ARE BEING ABUSED.

And as much as arguing in front of your children would upset them; so well done for not doing that...they will see when they grow up, that their father is an abuser and a slimy character...and their mother refused to accept it. They will know op. When they grow up, they will look back and think 'shit that was not ok the way dad treated mum.' And it will darken their memories of their childhood.

Trust me. Sometimes it is a hell of a lot better for children to be from 'broken homes' than ones held together by fear and abuse.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.