Is it OK for me to say I'm not doing that task, but not OK for my OH to say it?

[Nanna50]

So many threads seem to descend into deriding men for not taking equal responsibility for childcare / housework / not pulling their weight around the home etc.

There are jobs around my home that I seriously do not want to do like putting the bins out, gardening and home maintenance. I don't want to help maintain our (big) garden other than potter about or drink wine while I admire it. I can cut grass but not as good as he can.

He cleans, kitchen and bathrooms, vacuums, but never seems to dust?? He changes the beds and does his own washing. But I do the the majority of banking & finance, and virtually all of the meal planning and cooking, because I'm better at that.

And although he plays with and entertains the grandchildren I feed them, put them to bed etc when they are here.

If he is spending the weekend decorating then I will do his washing and clean the house and not expect him to do any housework that weekend. Because I would rather do that than paint.

I really moan at him if he forgets to put the bins out 'cos he knows I hate doing it. And a couple of times I just haven't done it. Imagine if I posted on here that my OH had moaned at me because I hadn't done some household chore??

AIBU to think that shared responsibility does not mean that both the man and the woman have to do everything and a compromise is good enough?

I feel it's ok to have a division of labour, and to ask your DH to do the jobs you don't want to - but if he doesn't want to do them either, then you have to either share the job, suck it up, make him suck it up, or accept it won't get done.

Which is fairer? Well the first or the last are fairest, but if it NEEDS to be done then take it in turns.

I hate putting the bins out too but sometimes DH is away in the week, so I have to do it then. It would be utterly unreasonable of me to NOT do it just because he's not there.

We take it in turns to cook and wash up (separate "rota", not linked to each other) but I do all cleaning and laundry. He does all lawn mowing because it's a stupid petrol mower that I actually cannot start and is too heavy for me to use. We share pruning etc., he does the heavy stuff with the chainsaw and I do the rest with the clippers.

Decorating - well that's very often a case of neither of us being arsed to do it, so it just gets left. But the whole house was done a few years ago, so it's not that bad. We got someone in to paint the outside of the house - much better idea than us even attempting it (Aussie weatherboard house - the whole thing needs painting).

It's fine if you are both happy with the "division of labour".

Although I never understand why bins seem to be such a big deal!

Me neither diddl surely it takes 2 minutes to take out the kitchen bin? And if it needs emptying and the OH is at work, does the overflowing bin get left until the OH gets home and can take it out?

The Bins ... we have so bloody many these days and they are in a bin cupboard which he built and it's a palava to get them out and drag them through the garden and down our drive which is long. If he is away I put them out .... if he just forgot then I might put them out and moan and I am embarrassed to say that I have on occasion just left them. I promise I will never leave the bins or moan again, I don know why putting the bins out is so annoying.

Oh God Mrs JB you have just reminded me that I never empty the kitchen bin I pull it out of it's cupboard and leave it there waiting for OH to empty. In my defense I do empty the bathroom bins, the bedroom bins and the office bin into a large bin bag which I then give to my OH to put in the outside bin

Our drive isn't too long, but I can see how that might be a problem.

We have a kitchen bin & a bathroom bin.

There's a collection every fortnight.

I usually just have to take a bag from each to the outside bin.

I've never taken the view that shared responsibility means both partners do everything. Just that it means they share the chores that need doing however it works out best for them.

Meh, I think so long as it's roughly 50/50, it doesn't really matter whether you never do the bins or he's always the one doing the garden - unless you both hate a task and one of you always refuses.

People will pile on and say it's sexist for women to do all the cooking or men to do all the DIY - but in my eyes, people do what they're good at and what they enjoy. Why do something you hate just because women need to be seen as capable of everything, when you have a partner who is more than willing to do it?

dons flameproof suit

Putting the bins out is a time critical 'blue job' BUT he is not taking responsibility for it if he is not remembering to do it without prompting. If he is willing to take responsibility for it I would stop getting cross and start ignoring when he misses bin day or when the bins are overflowing - just like I don't expect he would get on your case if you forgot a chore (he would just let you deal with the consequence, and you would because you are an adult, as is he, who can figure out how to manage a simple weekly routine).

"People will pile on and say it's sexist for women to do all the cooking or men to do all the DIY"

It's not the division into cooking and diy that's the issue. It's when they are equated. So the woman's job is one that has to be done every day at least once and usually goes unnoticed. The man's is one that is done occasionally. Often to much acclaim. And it would be just as unfair if it was the other way round.

There are lots of these false equivalents. Woman does the washing up. Man puts oil in car. Woman cleans the loo. Man puts the bins out. Woman cooks every day. Man does Sunday lunch.