Dh and distribution of chores

[DontFundHate]

Dh and I seem to be falling out all the time. He thinks I take him for granted for doing things around the house, eg getting DS ready for bed, hoovering, filling the dishwasher etc. I feel like I do my share - I do a lot during the day when he's at work- tidying, looking after / playing with / going out with DS, all the laundry, cooking, food shop etc. He seems to think I'm ungrateful, I guess I don't thank him all that often as I just expect him to help out? Aibu? I don't get any thanks for what I do and don't expect any! I'm not sure he knows how much I do as I don't go on about it and he doesn't see me do it! It seems to have gotten to the point where I feel like he's always overreacting, maybe for him this has built up and up to really start to bother him! What can we do?? I don't want to keep falling out with him! I also feel like he should cut me some slack as have been through a lot recently.

You don't congratulate adults for being responsible for the day to day chores required in a house. I would write a list of every single thing you do during the day, including caring for your child. And then insist he thank you for every single thing you do at home.

It's a very deeply entrenched view in our society (especially in the older generations) that when the male half of a heterosexual couple does housework, he is "helping" the woman somehow! This seems to apply regardless of which half of the couple works the most hours outside the home!

Don't want to point score with him, but don't know how else to get him to see how much I do unless I tell him! Already have it written down in my daily chores list....

He is actually a feminist and I think he does do his share, he just seems to feel I take that for granted and that he does more than me (not true!)

My DH and I thank each other for the things we each do around the house. Not every time but often enough. It's polite and easy to do.

What does he actually want? Does he want you to say thank you to him for dressing his child, hoovering his home, filling his dishwasher with his families dishes?

I feel like this. My dh works and we have three kids. Two have autism the youngest very severe and she's at home. My mum thinks I should be grateful if my dh does some ironing or does the food shop. It's frustrating. I do think a lot falls to women in many cases. Not all but most. My dh doesn't seem to see anything unless obvious like washing up. I obviously do the most as I'm a sahm but it's frustrating.

What do you do in the evening once he's back from work? do you do the same amount of household/childcaring tasks as he does?

Because tbh, I don't think you can just say you do loads of stuff during the day while he is at work. Presumably you are doing this stuff in lieu of having a job outside of the home?

Adults shouldn't expect thanks for pulling their fair weight in lifework, which is not 'helping', btw. So he sees it as a chore to do things with his own child, like put him to bed or make his home clean and tidy? That's says a lot about this 'feminist' DH. He needs to grow up.

Can you tell us more about the evenings? If you're "putting your feet up" while he does household stuff then is that his gripe? I.e. that you get to clock off after a day's work in the home but he comes home from his WOH job has to take over? I would baulk at this myself.
On the other hand if the evening chores are evenly split that is fine.
Please be honest with yourself as to whether you get any downtime during the day. When I was sahm I often had chunks of time to read, watch box sets and have coffee with friends which wasn't as arduous as full on work.
As for being unappreciated, it might be nice to make the effort to appreciate each other's contributions but it needs to be mutual.

I have got so sick of OH coming home every weekend and falling out about what hasn't even done/my teenagers are lazy that I am making everyone (him, me and the three kids) contribute towards a cleaner.

End of argument.

We got a cleaner a few months ago which helped for a while, but we still fall out over the day to day stuff. I think the issue is he feels hard done by for a long time now and so it has built up so any little thing will upset him.

Evening chores are evenly split, but he gets cross that I ask him to do a few small things like put bins out / empty washing machine which only has tea towels in whilst I feed DS to sleep. I think because I'm just sitting there (for an hour!) he sees this as me not doing anything, but I see it as a whole hour of childcare as it's getting DS to sleep and I'd rather be doing other things like spending time with dh / relaxing

He is actually a feminist

Nah, if he views feeding (I'm assuming breastfeeding?) a baby to sleep as just sitting on your arse and putting the rubbish out that's part of the chores for his house, that he lives in as doing you a favour, then he can think he's a feminist all he wants - he flipping well isn't.

You are both feeling under appreciated.

Would it kill you to say thank you? It might prompt him to say the same. Dp just brought me a drink. I've said thank you cos it is polite. I say thank you for putting out the bins every Thursday when I come home from work and they are out for the morning so I don't have to remember.

How old is your child? How long has it been taking you an hour to feed him to sleep? What else are you doing in that time? (Eg reading or listening to music). It can look like you are sitting down relaxing to the uninitiated.

Your dh might miss you in this time. You are showing and receiving love in that time. Breast feeding is so full of love between you and your child (not all the time. Sometimes it is just rubbish...but it is an expression of love between two people) that you might not notice how little love you express between you and your dh. Of course you may be better than me at this but I know dp felt very isolated in the first year of parenthood. And much was my fault.

I wonder how you both decided who would do what, and when and how? Maybe a conversation along those lines would be helpful. If 'bins' is acknowledged as his job, why do you have to remind him? Are you mentioning it earlier than necessary, or is he just not stepping up to do it.

I do hate to be reminded about things, so DH and I have to be quite specific about who does what and when, so if he complains before the 'due date' i can remind him gently that its not due yet rather than getting spiky.

herblue I think you're right about a lot of what you said. Been bf 2+yrs and yes I read / MN / fb at the same time, but it is boring! I do thank dh but just a simple "thanks", rather than the big parade I think he expects

Oh so boring! (Hey... wait.... have you just called us boring!)

If I'm right. And if your dh is truly a feminist it probably isn't even about division of chores. He just feels unloved. And he's saying he wants thanking.... but as you say you say that already. So it's not about the thanking it's about the meaning behind it.
And some recognition of the work our dhs put in to facilitate that boring hour feeding them to sleep. Perhaps in one of those hours you could think of all the things that you like/love about him. Why you choose him to raise a family with. When you first started dating I bet you spent ages thinking about his smell, his touch, his eyes, his jokes. Remember some of that. Remember why you found him sexy. Gotta be better than fannying about on here for an hour!

I think YAB a bit U. If you're a SAHP you generally take over running the household, the lions share of domestic chores, especially if you have a cleaner. Unless you have a young baby you can't put down, why do you need him to help in the evening after work?

I'm currently a SAHM to a toddler. I treat it like any other job and consider cleaning, laundry, cooking, gardening and tidying kitchen/sorting dishwasher part of my job. I don't thank him for going to work, why should he thank me? When DH gets home from work he naturally wants to spend that precious bit of time playing with DC. Without his salary and dedication to his career, we wouldn't have this lifestyle and nice home. There wouldn't be money for all the toddler classes we go to, lunches out, travelling to fun places while he's at work etc. He does pitch in with housework if asked, and takes the bins out, also sorts all the car stuff.

I do all night wakings and early starts, which he does thank me for.

During day I get breaks when toddler is napping or occupied with toys/TV. Whereas DH has a high pressure job with lots of stress and a commute. I try to make his evenings as stress-free as possible. I wouldn't expect him to get home and start doing chores.

Can you rearrange things so you get the bulk of housework done during day? I load dishwasher mid-afternoon, run it in evening, unload mid-morning. Toddler has bath late afternoon not eve. I batch-cook and freeze it to save cooking every night. I have a routine for every day so we don't get behind with laundry etc.

Also do you get days off? My DH is happy for me to take a weekend day off once a month (eg spa day/seeing friends).
Is nursery an option, eg a couple of mornings a week?

I also feed toddler to sleep every night (for about 45 mins) but this is my choice. She doesn't 'need' it the way a baby does. I do it because I like the snuggle time!