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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if I should have said something to this man in the street?

49 replies

ohdoadoodoo · 02/04/2017 13:25

Walking home on lunch. Man and his partner ahead of me with their two DC, both looked around 7 or 8.

As I approach I hear the man saying in a raised voice 'For fuck sake. Worked all week and this is how you repay me. You're fucking unbelievable - you're making a fool of yourselves in the street and I'm making a fucking fool of myself in the street because of you'. That's the entire extent of what I heard.

I had about two seconds to decide whether to say something to him - usually I feel the rage in situations like this and will say something, but I just couldn't be arsed to get into an argument in the street with an aggressive man today when I didn't know what his reaction to me would be.

But as I was walking away I started to kick myself and wonder if I should have? On one hand I think that it's not my place to tell people how to parent, I can't police the world, I didn't want to upset the DC etc. etc. and on the other I think those poor kids being spoken to like that.

OP posts:

NeonGod73 · 02/04/2017 15:20

Probably the kids had been winding him up all day and it culminated in an angry outburst on the street. And that's all you saw/heard. You didn't see what happened before. I am not bringing up excuses for him but the kids might have been little arses prior to that.
You sound very nosy, you should mind your own business.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/04/2017 15:20

So you'd smack in public would you, Barbarian?

PullTheBricksDown · 02/04/2017 15:25

It's always more important on MN to avoid judging others, OP, therefore you must always 'mind your own business' rather than do anything you think might be helpful. I'm not sure you could have done much in that moment, but I see the 'just a snapshot' types are already out to tell you you were wrong even to think about it.

Thirtyrock39 · 02/04/2017 15:25

I disagree with 'if he's doing that in public what's he like at home?'because actually At home you can walk away from stressful situations and bad behaviour / send to rooms etc ...I'm likely to be at the end of my tether far more often when in public ...swearing obv not great but you're seeing a snap shot

Original poster

ohdoadoodoo · 02/04/2017 15:26

Neon - do you believe that we should all turn a blind eye to the things that we find wrong? Because what a scary place the world would be if we all 'minded our own business' and never spoke out against anything.

OP posts:

GahBuggerit · 02/04/2017 15:27

Well it's not brilliant (the swearing) but he may have had a point if the kids are anything like my two when they have got one on them. I bet 10 mins later it was forgot about

Non event

JonSnowsWhore · 02/04/2017 15:27

The OP hasn't said whether the man was being particularly aggressive or just having a rant though.

At the end of the day it'll just come down to difference of opinion & how relaxed you are about swearing.

I don't do it often to the kids but last night my son really pushed my buttons, & ended up shitting on the floor, wiping it up the door etc! Not aggressively or shouting but I just said 'for fuck sake 'name' why!!'

That does not mean I then went on to beat him or lay a finger on him of any kind!

& funnily enough he couldn't care less about the swear word (or the bloody shit on the floor)

I think it'd be more hurtful to say non swear words like 'you stupid child, you idiot, you get on my nerves' etc than 'fuck' which I personally wouldn't do

blueskyinmarch · 02/04/2017 15:31

I don’t know any police officers (and i know many) who would arrest someone following that exchange that you posted. It wasn’t a great parenting moment but you have no idea what led up to it. I could have been the culmination of a really crap week then 2 kids playing up when out for the day. I don’t really think it is any of your business.

BarbarianMum · 02/04/2017 15:31

If I think a smack is warranted (hasn't happened for many years now) then yes, of course I would. If I thought it wasn't the right thing to do, or was ashamed of doing it, then I'd not do it at all.

HotelEuphoria · 02/04/2017 15:32

You sound a little bit, well err "distanced" from how some people actually live. The whole world isn't fluffy clouds and quinoa.

I suspect you have never worked as a social worker, or a nurse, or front line police.

Just because his choice of language wasn't the nicest to hear doesn't mean his children were being abused. If he had said "Phillipa and Freddie I am really very cross with you, I have been at work all week and I am finding you awfully ungrateful, this is really so very unacceptable and I am actually embarrassed by your behaviour" then that would be OK?

Not for you to judge.

Different stokes for different folks, and probably not changed in the last 100 years.

That1950sMum · 02/04/2017 15:36

Clearly not great parenting, but you know nothing about this family or the background to the situation.

Not your place to intervene.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 02/04/2017 15:37

Ugh. I used to live somewhere where this kind of thing happened more than I care to remember. It leaves a nasty feeling with you all day. I understand why you felt compelled to intervene, OP, but as others have pointed out, you could end up escalating things or even getting into some sort of mess yourself. The behaviour was horrible, but there's little in the way of a police or court mandate for dealing with what you describe.

Gottagetmoving · 02/04/2017 15:42

There must be thousands of parents who swear at their kids every day.
To some people it is absolutely normal behaviour. There are also a massive number of kids under age 10 who swear all the time.
It's just words in their eyes.
Sadly, I think it's getting worse. There is far more swearing on TV now than there was 10 or 20 years ago...and 50 years ago you would never hear it on TV. It's become far more acceptable.
You saying something when you hear it would probably make no difference at all.

EweAreHere · 02/04/2017 16:02

He was telling his kids off. So what. If he'd removed the two times he said 'fuck' to them, it's something every parent I know has probably said to their kids on numerous occasions. It's not as outrageous as you're making it out to be, especially since it's a snapshot in time and 7 and 8 are definitely old enough to know how to behave and already know all the vocabulary.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/04/2017 16:08

Well Barbarian if you smack in public then I hope there is someone decent nearby to suggest you don't abuse your kids.

Persemillion · 02/04/2017 16:25

HotelEuphoria

The whole world isn't fluffy clouds and quinoa.

Would you mind if I use this, eventually?

-spectacularly misses the point of the thread-

Witchend · 02/04/2017 16:56

Thing is what would have come from you interfering?

You obviously think he'd apologise and not do it again. I doubt that extremely.

Either he doesn't normally do this and the kids have been playing up. In which case you are judging on a snapshot.

Or you are right in that worse things will happen behind closed doors and probably now will when they get home because he'll be in a much worse mood.

Oblomov17 · 02/04/2017 17:02

Can't believe you are commenting. Why would you take any notice. What are you actually suggesting? That you should have said something? About what?
It's not abuse.
Save us from the likes of you - busy body interfering types.

SarcasmMode · 02/04/2017 17:06

If we all minded our own business a lot more children, wives and yes husbands, could be severely harmed or worse.

Yes it's not a good idea to pick a fight with this man but I see no problem if close enough to do something on lines of making eye contact with the mother and seeing how she responds. If nervously or embarrassed I might say, 'sounds like a stressful day'.

If she seemed aggressive or avoidant I'd probably not say anything unless it seemed the situation may escalate I.e him saying 'look what you'll get when we get home' or something like that.

To be honest if I was a reasonable parent I'd understand someone being concerned. If I wasn't, then I would be the type to kick off and it'd be obvious I couldn't see the error in my judgment.

Kalizara · 02/04/2017 17:08

It doesn't really sound that bad. It's not great to swear at your kids, but as others have said, if he'd been yelling "for goodness sake, I'm very tired from work and I'm finding your behaviour very embarrassing, it's making me cross and feel like shouting", you wouldn't have looked twice.

It could be a complete one off or he could be an abusive man. Who knows, how would you ever find out?

What would you have even said? If he was an abusive man then you giving him a telling off isn't going to change that.

Birdsgottaf1y · 02/04/2017 17:17

He was swearing in front of his children, not at them.

You'd have been out of order to stick your nose in.

Some people are more sweary than others.

He was obviously correcting public behavior, he isn't using the best tactics, but they aren't terrible.

We all haven't had the best of upbringings and read all the positive parenting books, that's all this example shows, not abuse/neglect.

I've sworn in front of my children, my Mother certainly did and I've started shouting "shit!", whenever my Grandchild nearly has an accident. I've said "fucks sake" and similar, as well. I'm trying to get out of the habit.

""Or you are right in that worse things will happen behind closed doors and probably now will when they get home because he'll be in a much worse mood""

Not necessarily. If they did do something wrong, then he might put them to bed without screen time etc.

Imagination overload on this thread.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 02/04/2017 17:35

YABU. The man may have been crasser than your posse of perfect parents, but when a child is a pain, they may get an earful. It is not abuse, but it teaches children that what they do has consequnces, and that their parents are neither robots nor stepford parents.
Keep your comments, they are unhelpful and make you look like a facebook mum.
Pretty much all theparents I know intimately are the same in and out of the house, because they are secure enough to ignore pearl clutching ninnies.

Original poster

ohdoadoodoo · 02/04/2017 18:04

As others have said, if he'd been yelling "for goodness sake, I'm very tired from work and I'm finding your behaviour very embarrassing, it's making me cross and feel like shouting", you wouldn't have looked twice.

Well yes, that's kind of the point!

OP posts:

user1471545174 · 02/04/2017 18:09

He sounds awful OP and I don't understand some of the replies you're getting.

I don't think you can reason with people like that, though, so you just have to try to ignore them. Poor children.

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