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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if I'm the only 30-something who doesn't have it all figured out?

27 replies

RunFarageRun · 01/04/2017 21:39

Just feel like I'm the only one in my circle of friends/family/colleagues/acquaintances who hasn't got life figured out yet. I'm in an entry-level, low paid job, no idea what I'd even want to do to progress, no real qualifications, no idea what I want/should study. Finances all messed up, loads of debt due to series of unemployment. No savings, minimal pension in several different pension plans due to spotty work history. No house, no car, no big assets of any kind. I am married but our relationship is in need of serious fixing at the moment. The only amazing thing I have is my DS but I feel like I haven't even got parenting figured out, too much screentime, not enough family activities... Please tell me I'm not the only who doesn't have everything figured out yet and that I have hope.

OP posts:
Cocklodger · 01/04/2017 21:41

You have hope. It took me a long time too. Putting DD to bed but didn't want to read and run you'll get there

Original poster
RunFarageRun · 01/04/2017 21:42

I should have added that I have no hobbies either as I wouldn't even know what I wanted to do. Have tried several things, from exercise, gym, drama, physical comedy, coding. haven't found anything that makes me want to stick for a long time. No achievements of any kind either, apart from DS.

OP posts:
highinthesky · 01/04/2017 21:43

You seem to be focusing on the material. Is it really that important? Is that how you want to define your personal success?

Not everyone can commit to a relationship or be a parent, but you have. So you know how to love.

Start thinking about your personality characteristics and you will realise you have a lot going for you.

SantanaLopez · 01/04/2017 21:45

Maybe it's not perfect OP but no-one is. For every 30 something wishing they had a career, someone else is wishing they had a child.

Try and see the positives Flowers

FairytalesAreBullshit · 05/04/2017 01:44

There was something I saw I can't remember where, but it gave like various achievements of people. At 30 one that sticks in my mind is the JK Rowling had no idea where she was going or what to do. There were actors who hadn't even though of acting, let alone breaking Hollywood and being the Stars they are today. So life is one big adventure, you make of it what you want. You may reach 40 and still be in the same place, but eventually you'll find or achieve something you're passionate about.

smashyourglasses · 05/04/2017 01:51

Hi, just checking in (37)

Dannythechampion · 05/04/2017 02:07

The benefit of growing up, is realising that all other adults are making it up as they go along, just like you.

SparkleSunshine201 · 05/04/2017 02:26

Dannythechampion I don't actually agree, but that depends on your definition of grown up. I think sentiments like that set the bar very low! I think a lot of people are able to get it together, but it takes work.

OP, you have got plenty of time to find your niche. I think you should concentrate first on your marriage and then finances. Have you got a plan to pay off your debts? When you get your finances in order, a new realm of possibilities will be opened up to you. Without debt, you will have many more choices of hobbies and activities you could try. It sounds like you have an interest in lots of different things.

Dannythechampion · 05/04/2017 02:38

Sparkle, I don't think it sets the bar very low, I think it makes you realise that everybody has their own issues.

That or the swan analogy, everyone looks perfectly calm and serene just sailing along, with frantic paddling underneath

Dannythechampion · 05/04/2017 02:45

"I think a lot of people are able to get it together, but it takes work."

Actually I think that's the most pretentious and patronising statement ever.

Lots of people are able to get it together, but they are in most cases making it up as they go along. The plan from 18 changes at 22, the one from 22 changes at 26 etc etc. That to me shows making it up as you go along.

Pretending you have it all figured out is utter arrogance, and pride comes before a fall.

SparkleSunshine201 · 05/04/2017 04:27

That's funny because it was your statement I found patronising. Saying that allother adults are floundering and making it up as they go along is completely untrue and infantilising capable adults. It's not helping the OP at all as she asked for hope that she will be able to improve her life.

Yes it is possible to have your life in order, as far as you have power to control it. Everyone has their own issues and struggles, but that's a completely different thing. You can't control things that happen to you but you can control yourself and your own actions. The OP has the ability to make things better for herself and it is possible to do so.

Tootsiepops · 05/04/2017 04:35

'...Saying that all other adults are floundering and making it up as they go along is completely untrue...'

Danny didn't say floundering. Just that adults are making it up as they go. Which - unless you got a 'how to be an adult' instruction manual at 18 that I missed - is actually pretty much the case.

haveacupoftea · 05/04/2017 05:13

There are plenty of 30 somethings who will open this thread and think wow, she actually has it figured out because she's married with a child, how much of a mess am I in then?

Comparison is the thief of joy. If you want a career go and train for it.

Auldspinster · 05/04/2017 05:44

Will shortly be 42 and have come to the conclusion that the mark of true maturity is realising you don't know anything and never will.

I work with lots of young people and the certainty of youth makes me smile and bite my tongue when I want to say 'there's a wee bit more to it than that'. Nuance is all.

Chocolateorangegoblin · 05/04/2017 05:48

Me!
I am married with two children which is of course wonderful. But we rent, our car has just died, we are very skint and I have no idea what I want to do career wise
You are not alone OP.

BumbumMcTumtum · 05/04/2017 06:16

You're definitely not alone.

Musereader · 05/04/2017 06:37

Im 33 and in mostly the same position, low paid entry level job, renting, in debt and no car with a 7 month old dd, except im not married. Got pregnant accidently with a guy i barely knew who was abusive and spent all my money and maxed out the credit cards (but has left his job to not pay cms and not given me anything to the credit card debt)

Im just trying to fix the debt, then i can go back to coasting along with dd in tow

UntilTheCowsComeHome · 05/04/2017 08:11

Me too.
37, working a PT minimum wage job, can't drive, house is rented, never had a career, never been abroad.

I am married with 2 fantastic boys though. They're clever, polite and gorgeous, God knows how that happened because I have no clue how to adult let alone parent Grin

Sallysadlyseescertainty · 05/04/2017 08:26

Material wealth/success means nothing if you're an arsehole, however.

There are plenty of 30 somethings who appear to have it together - in the material sense. Though they are shallow, egotistical twats who worship all things material and have a incredibly narrow outlook on life.
Having values, like simply being a nice person, does not seem to be that important anymore.

BumbumMcTumtum · 05/04/2017 10:14

I just try to tell myself all the things I do have.
Its hard though.

Fairylea · 05/04/2017 10:20

I don't think anyone really either has it all or has it all figured out. You're worrying too much. Lots of people will never own a house, or a car, or have lots of money. Does it matter? There's more to life.

Lots of people do have those things and are still unhappy.

Personally i think the wealthiest people are those with good health. Health is priceless and if you have good health - mental and physical- then you have choices; even a simple choice such as going for a walk or choosing to do something at home.

I am 37 this year and I have been married twice previously and I also have a young disabled son. I was always a high flyer at school and was predicted to go to Oxford and get a great job blah blah. For health reasons that never happened, and now I find myself struggling with panic attacks and constant anxiety about everything. Irony being the rest of my life is pretty good now, although we are very low income.

You only have to read the millions of threads on mumsnet and elsewhere to know that most people feel the highs and lows of life very actively in many senses.

Fairylea · 05/04/2017 10:22

Acutely not acitively !

Platimum · 05/04/2017 10:43

No, you can't possibly be! You aren't. I'm 40 something and I've no relationship, no car, no job, no big social circle. However, I'm in a very good place mentally, v resilient, no debts, very healthy physically. I was sacked and dumped in the last 8 weeks and yet I feel optimistic and content. So, I bet you have mastered things that you take for granted. I have a good friend with a masters and i envy her that and she envies me that I don't smoke and don't struggle with my weight. It never occurred to me that anybody would envy me for not smoking.

I'm still trying to figure out how I get a job when I was fired from the last one without a reference, and so many other things seem to hang upon getting another job. So you are not the only one without it all figured out! I'm hoping it all falls in to place, but I'm trying to take small steps to see that it does.

Snugglepalace · 05/04/2017 10:54

I'm 44 and still haven't got it all together but that no longer worries me as I'm working on enjoying the really good things that I have in my life and focusing less on what I don't have and it does make me feel better.
We are so materialistic in this world and that doesn't bring happiness in the long term. I know lots of people who appear (to the outside world) to have it all together with big houses, great careers, holidays, cars etc but I know that a lot of them are barely holding the cracks together.
Regardless of what society tells you you can't have it all without something giving. Have goals and ambitions by all means but don't lose sight of the great things you probably already have Smile

dilapidated · 05/04/2017 13:01

2 years ago I was 30, divorced, no kids, no house, no job, no car.
Living with parents.

My dad told me back then that I will end up living with them forever and because I chose to leave my husband I had lost my chance at 'success' as he put it.

Within 3 months I had found an amazing job, and thanks to that I bought a house with my new partner earlier this year and we are expecting a baby very soon.

I never imagined I could change my life around like I did. It wasn't easy but it wasn't impossible either.