IHBVU but I'm so cross

[SleepFreeZone]

I have basically gone NC with family over something so incredibly petty and yet I'm so hurt and pissed off that I've just blocked the lot of them.

This is outing so I shall be slightly vague. Family member and myself have always had a tricky relationship. We had a period of time where we didn't talk at all (years) but once children arrived we became friendly again as life is just too short.

FM has leant us lots of second hand clothes for the children over the last four years which we have graciously accepted and used, cared for and passed back. Now FM is selling a lot of things we have passed back and specifically asked for an item that we admitted had large sentimental value to us and asked if we could buy (assuming it was to be sold). We were told that it also had a large amount of sentimental value to them also and they would be keeping it (absolutely respected that and immediately gave it back). I asked if they went on to sell it in time could we please have first refusal.

Today I find out through another family member that this item was sold just 10 or so days after our conversation to a complete stranger for a pretty meagre amount of money. I am honestly so fucking hurt. We were desperate to keep it, would have given that amount of money in a heartbeat and it feels spiteful that FM chose to do that ( even though it was there's to do with whatever they liked).

Another FM has no got involved and pretty much told me how pathetic I am, that my DP needs to butt out of 'family stuff' and that I had no right to expect to be allowed to buy the item in the first place and pretty much to grow up.

What do you reckon? AIBU or would you also be annoyed?

I think it is hard with families, I like to believe the best in people, so personally if I was in your shoes, which I'm not, I'd like to think maybe there was a mix up.

There must be more to all this from your side, other stuff that's happened, you're not obliged to give your full history on here. If you want to go NC that is your choice.

We have a boy & girl so I went a bit crazier with the pink stuff, but all these years later we have random things of both DC. It's a shame it ended like this, would a replica be the same, or is it the fact DC have worn the item?

Hopefully you'll feel better as time passes.

Fairytales that is a lovely post and you are right, there's more of a back story I guess from my side and it's not an item of clothing, it's a significant item that both kids used at a milestone time.

Can you go buy it back?

Nope. Think random car boot somewhere.

I don't think you're overreacting at all, OP. I also come from a very dysfunctional family and know only too well how difficult relationships can jog along uneasily for long periods and then suddenly blow up in your face because of seemingly trivial incidents.

This was spiteful, however you look at it, and done for no reason if you look at it without context. So it would seem the spite actually relates more generally to your relationship with your FM, that what has happened in the past remains unresolved, for them at least, and is being expressed through trivial, deniable actions that will allow them to gaslight you if confronted, and cause divisions and side-taking within the wider family (as you are finding).

I think your FM is looking to sideline you within the wider family context and push you into a position where there will be a family rift and you will come out of it without allies. By going NC, you are in one sense playing into their hands (in that everyone thinks you are being pathetic), but you are also removing yourself from the battleground, which, IME, is the only way to emerge from a toxic family with your sanity intact.

How you proceed from here is up to you, but I don't think - at all - that YHBU.

I'm so sorry your FM did this to you, OP, and I don't think you're being at all unreasonable to be hurt and angry. Sure it's just stuff but when it's stuff that's taken on a special meaning and you've made a point of saying you'd like the opportunity to keep it and offered to pay for it for someone to so callously dispose of it like that shows they don't care about your feelings at all. Good for your DP for speaking out, sometimes it just needs saying, this was a deliberately mean act. All the best to both of you, now let this go, you'll find something else meaningful to preserve for future memories of your dc when they were little.

I think it is pretty odd to get sentimental over something that you were lent, and that in essence, would never have been yours to keep!

highinthesky don't be stupid its perfectly normal for most functioning humans to get attached to stuff especially baby stuff. But not stuff that was borrowed! Given, yes. I understand that, but this wasn't given, it was lent, and as such was always destined to be given back! And don't call people stupid for having an opinion.