To go nc with my dad but not my mum

[user1480954406]

So Im v close to my DM but have never had a proper relationship with my DF, he was borderline abusive growing up, would not speak to us for months/years at a time when we did something wrong, kick us out of the house and send us to live with friends, etc. Told us we were dead to him, called us scum etc. He's been horrible, but DM has always enabled him, and he's always wanted to brush his actions under the carpet, and placed the onus on us even as children to sort out any hostility by 'just going and giving him a hug'. I feel like throughout my whole life my mum has dismissed and undermined how myself and my sisters have been hurt by DF. He is an emotional bully and it's v difficult to be around them sometimes as he talks to DM like utter shit sometimes and she cannot bear him being in a mood. He is one of those people who will give no consideration to how his actions/mood upset and intimidate those around him. I grew up also being very aware and treading on eggshells around him but I am no longer intimidated by his behaviour and I don't have any time for it. He will be extremely rude and unsocial with his family- behaviour which is never challenged, But he has always made a huge effort with aqquaintances outside of the family. It's very hurtful.

Anyway, I spoke to my mum because I had had enough of DF constantly making jibes at me for things he considers makes me "common" i.e. Not pronouncing foreign food names with the correct accent, using nicknames with my children etc. But yet will sneer at things he considers to be middle class as if I have climbed above
My station. I spoke to my mum and said that these things bothered me and made me insecure and I would like to spend time with her without DF.

I saw her today, DF came along but did t speak two words to me, and it transpires that my mum has told him everything I have said and has told me I've upset her and I'm putting her in the middle and that my DF now feels really awkward and feels he can't do anything right. I don't know what to do.

So aibu to say to DM again that I don't want to see her with DF? Or aibu to speak to my DM about this? I want to have some way of maintaining a relationship with my DM but I feel she is so influenced by and defensive of my DF, which is becoming a big hurdle in our relationship.

As your Dad now knows how you feel I would tell him that you don't like the way he treats you or your Mum and you don't want to spend time with him. Repeat to your Mum that you would like to see her, but I think you have to be prepared that your Mum might continue to side with your Dad and you end without a relationship with either of them.

If your dm has stood by your df in his treatment of you for years why would she stop doing so now?
Sorry op but I don't expect things will change between any of you. .

My mum did this with her parents for a number of years until her mum became ill. At which point, she marched right up to him and said 'I'm going to talk to you because I need to do what is right for mum, do not confuse me being civil for mum's sake as me apologising for ignoring you for the last 10 years because I am not sorry.' He said 'ok' and then ended up being much kinder towards her. He was a lovely grandad, but an arse hole as a farther and husband. He mellowed as the tears went on I think. Your life is too short to put up with his crap.

Just wanted to offer my sympathy as I'm in a similar situation. DM's accepting DFs views unquestioningly (laying the blame for this situation at YOUR door!). DM is hurting you by carrying his messages to you and betraying your confidences to him.
YANBU.
I so sympathise with the 'nothing is ever good enough' and also the detrimental effect on your self esteem.
You can do it whatever you feel is in your own best interests. Try not to exhaust yourself trying to get them to see your point of view - they won't.

DM has said to me before that she agrees and she has lots of regrets for undermining me and not protecting us all from my dad, but fundamentally she will always take his side, and the only reason I can see
For this is she loves him more than she loves us. And we are not important enough to him for him to treat us with respect, despite my mum always telling me that 'he does love us, but you know what your dads like'. It does hell for my self esteem, I can never imagine loving my own children so conditionally. It's exhausting.

"He's been horrible, but DM has always enabled him"
Well in my opinion your mother failed you. Repeatedly. Whilst a case could be made that she was so ground down by his behaviour she had effectively been groomed to behave this way; many, many, people find that whilst they cannot stand up for themselves they can stand up for their children. She is not such a person.

By all means repeat to your mother that you don't want to see your father - but be prepared for the fact that she will bring him in tow. And you also need to be prepared to act when this happens. If they come to your house together, don't let them in - 'He is not welcome in my home as you well know, I will see you another time' and shut the door on them. If you are meeting her in , say, a cafe and they turn up together - leave, making it clear you will not be in his company.

"I want to have some way of maintaining a relationship with my DM"
Why?

I can see why it would feel that way. It is so very deeply wounding to not quite matter enough to either parent.
In reality she probably cares more than you think but feels powerless in her situation. How do you tell someone their relationship is toxic/ abusive? Should you even? Fucked if I know xx

My mum is very much not a bad person. I've come to realise that she isn't as strong as I am, and I resent her for that a lot, but actually I honestly think all she's ever done is try in the best way she knew how to to make a happy family.

My DP is all for me cutting my parents out, as he hates how upset I am after I see them, but I love my mum.

Actually also, other than making their mum feel like shit, DF is a lovely Grandad.

"Actually also, other than making their mum feel like shit, DF is a lovely Grandad."
Sounds like you're starting to talk yourself out of it. And no, he is not a lovely granddad if he treat his grandchildren's mother badly. His grandchildren will see it and will absorb it and will act it out at a later date.

And your mother doesn't have to be a bad person for you to make the decision that having her in your life is bad for you. Her behaviour over a long period of time caused you harm. Her motivation is irrelevant. She chose to behave in a way that harmed her children.

I'd cut both of them out personally. Your mother stood by and let you be abused. I can't see any benefit in a relationship with either of them.

OP I could have written your post myself. My dad was identical as was my mum's enabling behaviour!

I went NC with them both about 4 years ago and it was the best thing I could have done. My mum totally failed me by allowing my dad to abuse, intimidate and belittle me.

No one is lovely to children if they routinely hurt and undermine their primary carers. Yanbu to want to see only your mum. You might have to accept that as a couple they won't allow it to happen. If it's all or nothing, what will you do.