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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my mum to shut up?

45 replies

MotherCrazyCat · 01/04/2017 19:16

I love my mum, but I do parent my DD differently to the way she parented me and DB. I know she wishes she'd been more like I am.

DD is 21 months I've posted before about her problems; hips, chest, eyes and ears. Unexpectedly in the last week she got up and walk, there's been no stopping her since, she's had her first pair of shoes today and I'm proud as anything. She was so happy with her shoes.

My mum knows I've been anxious about her not walking, we were told if she got to 2 and wasn't walking she'd have to be investigated for other causes (was born with Hip Dysplasia in both hips) so it was a huge relief when she started walking. She's a good child generally, but has loved wearing her backpack reins today so has stayed close by.

So why does my mum keep saying "that's it now, you'll be telling her to sit down and shut up all the time" or "you've got your hands full now, you'll never have a quiet moment again". The worst was when she said that i'd need to do more with her than i already to get her to use up all the extra energy she has "the park everyday it'll be" I'm actually hurt - DDs in Nursery 3 days a week who do dancing and "active play" (aka outdoors in the garden area playing football or catch or on the slides) for an hour a day, they've also recently been going to the park before lunch for 30 mins or so. On the days she's not in Nursery we do a stay and play session or babygym followed by swimming or a playdate or soft play we're constantly on the move. Even at the weekend we don't stay inside much and are either shopping or at the park or visiting family who have gardens and toys and pets for her to play with.

She says it to passersby as well "this is my granddaughter, her mums got her hands full now, just walking she'll be constantly on the go now".

I just want to tell her to shut up. She's usually lovely, and reserved but since DD started being mobile she just seems to want to talk about it in this way. I've told her it's not a nice way to speak and she's upset me but she says she can't see the harm and it's not like DD knows anyway apparently.

So can I tell her to shut up?

OP posts:

sonjadog · 01/04/2017 22:43

I think the comments are actually a way of showing relief and pleasure. It´s an odd way to do it, but I think she doesn´t mean anything bad.

DesignedForLife · 01/04/2017 22:46

Sounds like typical older person comments about a toddler. Sounds like she's thrilled your daughter is walking. Smile and nod, it will make life easier!

Wando1986 · 01/04/2017 22:46

How are you offended by any of this? She means them all in a totally inoffensive way and is saying them as it's now another way she can relate to you as a mother as she's gone through the same with your and your sibling in the past.

Can you explain more in depth because if you're so offended by it maybe we're missing something?

TitaniasCloset · 01/04/2017 22:50

Yes, are we all mussing something? Otherwise you need to chill out OP. I just can't see what you are annoyed about. Your mum just sounds like a typical grand mum who is relieved and proud her dgc is walking.

Billybonkers76 · 01/04/2017 22:50

YABVU and a very mean! What part of what she said offends you so much that you want to tell her to shut up? Get a grip!

GoodDayToYou · 01/04/2017 22:55

It sounds like some of the stuff my mum comes out with sometimes, which I think of as gap fillers. It's like she just wants to talk, sometimes she's excited, and has some habitual, not really thought through, phrases which she keeps coming up with and might say to anyone in that situation. It doesn't sound like it's meant in a critical or malicious way (you're the best judge, of course).

I would try not to take it personally. Maybe you could have a chat with her about it at a time when you're not upset about it?

Funnyface1 · 01/04/2017 23:04

I think I get it. Years ago my DS was slow to talk and it became a huge worry. No one knew why or if he would ever start talking. So when he did everyone started with the comments "you'll never shut him up now" and "you'll soon wish he'd never learned to talk". I don't think anyone was trying to upset me, but inside i was thinking "no, I've cried myself to sleep for months worrying about this child, I've literally sold my soul to the devil so that he could talk, I'm as relieved as a person could be, why can't you understand that?"

So i think i understand what you are feeling. I wouldn't tell her to shut up, I'd tell her how worried you've been and how grateful you are and ask her to please not pin any negatives to it. I don't know her but I don't think she's trying purposefully to upset you.

And I'm so glad you're DD is doing well.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 01/04/2017 23:30

I think it sounds like your mum has been very worried about her GD and a mixture of relief/trying to convince herself it's full steam ahead from now on, is fuelling these comments.

Maybe a bit irritating, but absolutely nothing in the scheme of things.

BastardBloodAndSand · 01/04/2017 23:34

She just sounds proud to me ..........try to be a little kinder op. You could well be the granny one day on the receiving end of a nasty tongued daughter or daughter in law.

LaContessaDiPlump · 01/04/2017 23:34

Look, I could take offence at my mum saying it was a nice day (HOW DARE SHE?!) but even I'm struggling to see the issue here. Like others have said, she sounds relieved and proud of her DD.

Come to think of it, maybe you know that and you're angry at her for making it so clear that she was worried. That would be understandable, but a bit of a harsh way to treat her.

LaContessaDiPlump · 01/04/2017 23:35

I beg your pardon - her DGD, not her DD!!

I should go to bed....

ScarlettFreestone · 02/04/2017 04:15

I think it sounds like one of those stock phrases some people come out with without thinking about it very hard.

We have twins and I hate people saying "double trouble" because they aren't, they're lovely. I just grit my teeth and say "twice as nice".

Find some similarly polite way to respond to your Mum while shutting her down e.g.

"She's not a handful, she's lovely"

"We are so pleased she's walking, don't you agree Mum"

SquedgieBeckenheim · 02/04/2017 04:25

These are comments my DM made when DD1 was first walking. I think most people say it about most toddlers. I'm sure she doesn't mean any offence by it. Telling all passers-by could just be because she's proud, especially with the difficulties your DD has had.
Just tell her it bothers you and ask her to stop.

verytiredmummy1 · 02/04/2017 07:53

Sorry I can't see why you are offended? Sounds like pride to me. My parents say it all the time at every stage!

SuperDandy · 02/04/2017 08:33

It comes over as relief talking to me. For context, I have hip dysplasia. I am currently walking again and people go on about it all the time, because it's exciting and they are happy for me. Yes it's annoying, but on the scale of hints it's a very small cost of having been immobile.

If it helps, well done for getting your kid to this stage. Dysplasia that isn't treated in infancy is a lifelong blight, so thank you on your kid's behalf for going through the struggle with her while she's little.

PotteringAlong · 02/04/2017 09:01

There's nothing to be offended about in what she's said, there really isn't.

thethoughtfox · 02/04/2017 09:11

I think she sounds really proud that she is walking and finally able to share her wee bits of grandmotherly wisdom. They need this.

gamerwidow · 02/04/2017 09:14

You're being over sensitive she's telling everyone she sees about your daughter walking because she's so proud. She's right too it is a million times harder to stay on top of a toddler once they start walking.

dylsmimi · 02/04/2017 09:54

If your mum was over protective of you perhaps this proud moment of when your dd is finally walking makes her worry about the dangers that walking/running children can get into and she is saying you will have your hands full because of this
It is just something people say - I say it myself about dc3 I always say 'don't you crawl just stay still it's easier' - of course I don't mean it I just know how much harder it is and appreciate the still period more this time!

VibrantAmI · 02/04/2017 10:03

I feel like I'm on the same page as you, OP. It's the persistent low level negativity in the comments that grind me down. It's a happy time and the comments should be positive, right? But they're not.

It amazes me that so many other posters have said that your mum is clearly proud and relieved from her comments and that you're too sensitive. Well, I must be too sensitive too then! If she's proud, why isn't she outright saying "I'm so relieved she's walking. I'm proud of how well she's doing with it"? Instead she's moaning. It's so negative.

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