To not want DD(8) to spend a week at MIL's without me or DH

[SparklyUnicornPoo]

Long so as not to drip feed.

MIL lives just over 150 miles away and has invited DD(8) to stay with her for a whole week in the summer holidays.

They have a good relationship and saw each other frequently before MIL moved away, and even since she moved has made sure to visit us most school holidays. However they have not spent a lot of time together just the two of them, this has always been MIL's choice, she refused to babysit every time we asked before she moved and whenever she takes DD out she asks DH to go to (I think this is because she wants to see him rather than because she doesn't want to be alone with DD). She has had DD for a weekend once, when DD was 4, when DD got home she said MIL wouldn't let her call me when she got homesick and wouldn't bring her home early, she only lived 10 miles away at the time, that is literally the only time they have ever been alone together. MIL said she had decided trying to distract DD was better than calling me and upsetting her more and then it was late so she didn't want to disturb me, I have used distraction myself when on sleepovers with my Rainbows so i can see that bit, but I would always call if it wasn't working/the child was really upset.

DD has been away without us quite a few times, to my parents for a night or two and for Rainbows and Brownies, but that's always been relatively local, not a week long and with people who she's spent lots of time with without me or DH there.

What's worrying me is:
a) not letting DD call me/come home when she wanted last time
b) its 150 miles away and neither DH or I drive (I can't due to medical reasons, DH hasn't learned)
c) a week is a long time.

Upsides:
a) I want DD and MIL to have nice memories together, I went on some fantastic trips with my Nanna.
b) DD loves MIL
c) MIL lives at a popular holiday destination abundant in things DD would love to do/places DD would love to go.

DD was really excited when MIL suggested it yesterday morning but then at bedtime said she was a bit worried about being so far away and does she have to go, so I'm not really sure what she wants to do.

I should add in all fairness that I don't like MIL and this may be clouding my judgement (she's annoying, very full on and at constant risk of choking on her judgy pants, criticises me and my parenting constantly and has said quite a few times that she doesn't think I'm good enough for DH) and I am also pretty pissed off she invited DD in front of me then said 'that's alright isn't it Sparkly?' rather than talking to DH or I about it first. We are civil with each other now and she did ask when my birthday is to add it to her card list yesterday and have a normal conversation but as DH and I have been together 10 years and this level of interaction is an achievement you can see how bad our relationship used to be.

MIL is pissed off because I've said DH and i need to discuss it and told her she really should have spoken to us first. DH wants DD to go. I think I would be ok with it if either DH went with DD (DD breaks up a week before the school I work in do, its that week, which DH has already booked off to look after her, him and MIL are really close so she'd probably like that too) or if DD went for a few days this time and then if she had fun we could look at her going for a week in the future.

DH thinks suggesting either option will upset MIL, it probably will but then me existing upsets her some days so you know, whatever i say will probably upset her.

Setting aside the 'cunt' issue.

My sons both spent a week each in the summer with my parents starting when they were about 6, maybe 7. DPs lived 180 miles away. I don't think it's too far or too long. They always had a wonderful time and enjoyed being the sole focus of attention. She usually arranged for them to go to a summer activity (swimming, sports day-camp) for a few days as well as taking them to the lake or just shopping.

BUT, DH and I both drive, my mum was a very sensible grandmother (great fun, a little spoiling, but with sensible rules overall) and she would never have stopped them from calling.

I think you should let her go if she wants to, but also set up a few ground rules regarding phone calls, homesickness, etc.

Now, if your DH DID call you a cunt, I'd send him with DD to his mother's. And I'd tell him to fucking stay there!

Personally, I think you are being ridiculous. Your daughter is 8, surely she can pick up a phone and call you every evening? As for your issues with MIL, keep them as your issues not your daughters, as the daughter of a warring mum and MIL I appreciate not knowing about their tension as a child as it allowed me to form my own opinion on my grandmother.

Cunt was his word.

Charlie I really can't work out if I'm being OTT or not, that's why I was asking and trying to find ways to make it work. I don't want to stop MIL being a grandmother, but I don't think I'd be happy with her going that far for that long with my parents either and they spend a lot more time looking after her.

Looking at cheap pay as you go phones, i think that would make me feel better about it.

Thumbs I'm pretty sure he's so determined because that's what MIL wants.

Custard she could call me, if MIL lets her, but she didn't let her last time. but then if i sent a phone with DD as others have suggested she could, so that might be the answer.

You are right though Custard I do need to try to keep my issues with MIL separate, I am trying to but its really hard!

I wouldn't agree to it to be honest. Mainly because your daughter hasn't seen much of Grandma lately and Grandma sounds a little (ahem) controlling. What was point of not letting your daughter phone home last time? Don't get it.

3 nights / weekend is long enough IMO, then it can be repeated if all is well. It's about trust i think.

While your MIL and your DH are both clearly prioritising your MIL's wishes over yours, you have no reason to believe that either of them would be swayed in any way by your DD's wishes.

An eight year old could have a lovely time away for a week with a kind relative that she loves or she could find it way too much and be desperate to come home. She isn't old enough to predict how she's likely to feel herself and you have no reason to believe that, if she is miserable, she will be allowed to come home.

I think you are fully justified in expecting a shorter trial visit first with a plan to arrange a week at a later date if it goes well. A week of being miserable is a long time for an eight year old.

I see no reason why a week is the required length for the visit just because you MIL has decided on it. She probably suggested it without checking with you first specifically to prevent you from changing her plan. She is no dount livid that you aren't just giving in.

I think your biggest problem here isn't whether you are allowing your feelings about your MIL to cloud your judgement. It is the fact that your DH is clearly far more bothered about upsetting his mother than he is about upsetting his wife or daughter.

Is there a risk she's going to be subjected to a week of your mil making snide comments about you and undermining you? It's not just about you keeping your issues separate it's about her doing the same. Is she capable of that?

This is a trial, a week is too long for that, so a fair compromise is 3 or 4 days.

If your dh called you a cunt I would t trust either of them tbh, he should have your back.

OP, a week is too long, unless your Husband spends the last two or three nights with them. If she has a great time, then she will be better equipped to stay the full week next time, and you will feel more comfortable about the whole thing.
The way your Husband speaks to you is wholly unacceptable. 😡😡😡

It's a hard one.
My MIL lives about 2 hours away in a tourist beach area. The kids go down once or twice a year for a week at a time (currently age 6,8 and 10) and the LOVE it.
But when they were tiny she would come up lots and occasionally had them overnight at our house while me and DH went out/away.
She is brilliant with them and would never stop them calling us, although would try and dissuade them if it was late etc.

They take thier tablets which have skype set up so they can call/message us anytime they want anyway.

I would let DD decide, she may be happy if she has a way to contact you (phone or tablet) and knows she can come back anytime (if that's workable?)

Would mil let her keep the phone?

gleam if i give it to her a few weeks before she goes and let her text MIL with it so its not obvious thats why i got her a phone i think she would.