Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

AIBU re. smoking?

15 replies

RosieLig · 01/04/2017 12:44

Will try to keep this brief but I am so pissed off and wonder if iBU?

Visiting my ILs which we haven't done for a few years. We've seen them at ours and at a holiday house they own instead. I really don't like coming here due to the smoking. My MIL has mental health issues and depression and uses smoking as a crutch.

The condition of us coming was for my DH to ask her to be considerate about the smoking. I am an ex smoker myself and am now very conscious about the damage I may have done to myself. A good friend has lung issues as has my dad all due to previous smoking.

I literally can't stand it, the smoke makes me feel nauseous. She's smoking away in the kitchen where they're all sitting. She had 2 in there by 10am and smoked last night too. Last night I sat whilst she had one and then when she lit another I went to bed (this was 11pm so not anti social)

AIBU to be annoyed? My DH is very protective of her due to her depression and won't say anything unless I make a huge issue out of it. I think he's also less sympathetic than he could be as I used to smoke so he thinks I'm being hypocritical.

Why can't she at least open a window or have one out of the back door! 😬

We normally get on fine, it's just this smoking issue.

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/04/2017 13:28

I can understand how you feel - my mum smokes like a chimney, and it makes me feel ill too. When she visits us, she only smokes outside - but when we are at her house, she smokes wherever and whenever she wants, without opening a window or door - and I have to accept that, because it is her house.

So, whilst I absolutely sympathise with you, you are being a bit unreasonable, I'm afraid.

Universitychallenging · 01/04/2017 13:30

It's her house unfortunately. I think YAB-a bit - U

Universitychallenging · 01/04/2017 13:31

And I do think you are being a bit hypocritical. Unless you never ever smoked inside ever and always went out the back ?

outofmydepth45 · 01/04/2017 13:31

I agree but you a still unreasonable as it is her house

TasLondon · 01/04/2017 15:25

It's grim, but it is her house.

kittybiscuits · 01/04/2017 15:27

You can't dictate. It's her house. But I would leave.

RortyCrankle · 01/04/2017 17:41

It's her house -go home if you can't cope or move into a hotel for the duration of your visit.

Billben · 01/04/2017 17:45

I hate cigarette smoke but since it's her house the only thing you can do is stay away and don't visit anymore. I wouldn't and I would also say the reason why I won't be visiting anymore. It might be her house but fortunately you don't have to put up with it.

CreamCheez · 01/04/2017 17:46

MIL is the same. I'll just stand at the back door, now I'm pregnant. Don't care if she doesn't like it.
But I don't expect her to move from her own chair in her own house, or stop smoking. So, YABU.

JustMyLuckUnfortubately · 01/04/2017 17:46

Sorry OP but as it's her house YABU. I would instead invite them to visit you (with rule of smoking outside) or meet in public places where she legally has to smoke outside restaurants etc

JustMyLuckUnfortubately · 01/04/2017 17:46

PS I'm a non-smoker

isadoradancing123 · 01/04/2017 17:57

You ate so totally unreasonable and hypocritical

Iamastonished · 01/04/2017 18:06

I loathe cigarette smoke so much I wouldn't go and stay with someone who smokes in the house. I wouldn't dictate to the smoker because it is their house, but I would either stay in a B & B or just not visit at all.

For the record my mother died a long, slow, horrible death from COPD. It is a horrible disease to witness.

So, YANBU to want your MIL not to smoke, but a little unreasonable to expect her not to.

PennyPickle · 01/04/2017 18:23

Its her house. You cannot dictate the rules. Don't like it? You don't have to stay there. Non smoker here. I hate people smoking around me but I wouldn't tell someone what to do in their own home. You have the choice to stay or leave.

Babyroobs · 01/04/2017 18:31

YANBU- My mil was a heavy smoker and she would never go outside to smoke when we visited her even when my children ( her grandchildren )were little. The odd time she came to stay with us she stayed in our bedroom and my dh let her smoke in there with a small window open !!
My dh has bad uncontrolled asthma and I see how he suffers everyday and wonder whether it was the result of being brought up in a house full of smoke although her smoking did seem to get worse as she got older.
In my work I have seen hundreds of people die horrible deaths from lung cancer, copd, and terrible head and neck and oesophageal cancers. I understand it's an addiction and really think there should be more help for eople to quit.

Flip