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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask for a gentle boot up the hole?

49 replies

myoriginal3 · 01/04/2017 00:04

It's coming up to 7 years now that I have been with my partner.

He beat me black and blue on Valentines Day about a year in.

I've done the whole court thing (further incident) and I didn't pursue it past the first court appearance.

He has beaten me and almost strangled me to death on one occasion. I moved country along with him the day of his court appearance.

Last night we had a row and I threw him out. He spat at me. He hasn't hit me in about 2 years.

So he came back today and I let him in. Then the anger was just building inside me so I've thrown him out again.

He's out. But I need to keep him out.

Please be gentle with me. My mental health isn't the strongest, so I'm not sure I could handle a mn bollockin, but I need something. Something to just stop me taking him back.

Of course I will tell you that he's lovely etc., but.......

I have my own problems (alcohol). I'm not a saintly victim. But I keep fucking taking him back and I need the strength to not do it anymore. Please help?

OP posts:

Original poster

myoriginal3 · 01/04/2017 00:39

I have support in real life as in family back home but I need to be fully OUT before I tell them as otherwise I am fucking with their heads. My father would happily skull him as he saw the photos of the first beating. My mother however thinks the sun shines out of his arse and is happy that any man has taken me on *sigh. I have one really good friend but I'm loathe to tell her in case I retract.

OP posts:

ACatCalledFang · 01/04/2017 00:40

When you say about him being lovely, remember this: charm and decency are two very different things.

I am very lucky that no partner has never assaulted me in such a manner, but I have been in a relationship with someone I was convinced was lovely. He wasn't. He was charming, manipulative, passive-aggressive and emotionally abusive. He could certainly be lovely when he wanted to - but it wasn't who he was, if you see what I mean.

Fortunately the only thing damaged was my self-esteem. Sounds like that's unlikely to be the case for you if you give him another chance.

Please don't give him another chance to strangle you.

You sound very intelligent and insightful - you deserve so much better than that. I hope this is the start of a brighter, better future for you.

fruitbats · 01/04/2017 00:40

I would never judge any woman for staying in an abusive relationship and I don't think you should really have to justify why you have. I am sorry for asking the question. We all have our own reasons for our actions. The important thing is that you are now in a position to decide that you have had enough. I for one will support you in any possible way to stick to that decision. I don't pretend it will be easy - but it will be better for you in the long run.

Original poster

myoriginal3 · 01/04/2017 00:46

Thank you fruit.

The fact that I have posted this is a little bit of making a 'no-turning-back' move.

I love one half of him. That's no shit. That's the fucking shit that makes it so difficult for me to understand the other half of him.

It's not a life I wish to continue however. That's the long and short of it. The nervousness. No more.

OP posts:

Original poster

myoriginal3 · 01/04/2017 00:51

And do you know what?
I've just realised that it's not any immediate threat that's bothering me, it's remembering all that he has done to me before. You can't fucking forget that shit.
He doesn't understand that.
I'm not going to be the girl who gets beaten. I'm just not. End of.

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OurFlo · 01/04/2017 00:55

Having had a lot of help from the nest of vipers that are Mumsnetters myself over the last week or so, I can tell you that it helps to keep coming back, reading the thread and posting how you're feeling and what's going on.

See it as 'no-turning back'. I've been given loads of support and you will be too. Someone asked me if I really loved him or the him that I hoped he could be, wanted him to be. Ask yourself that question because the person that you love probably doesn't exist. Won't make it hurt any less but will make it easier to stick to your guns.

You did really well to throw him out again today. Stay strong

Hidingtonothing · 01/04/2017 00:57

Tell your friend OP, make it difficult for yourself to retract. I can see your point about your parents but tell your friend.

fruitbats · 01/04/2017 01:05

Well done my. I have been where you are. I stayed longer than I should have done. I weakened and took him back despite everyone telling me to leave. I was very young and thought I should stay for my DS. I was wrong. Only you will know when the time is right for you. I will check in tomorrow to see how you are you doing. I hope you get some sleep.

Original poster

myoriginal3 · 01/04/2017 01:07

I might tell my friend tomorrow. She knows most of it but tends to sway wherever I sway. She's not the sort to say DO THIS. I had a really good friend like that and she has removed herself from being my friend anymore lol. My bestie has two degrees, one in philosophy and another in psychology. So she just listens and doesn't judge or expect an outcome. Probably why she's my best friend. Plus she makes me laugh hysterically. :)

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fruitbats · 01/04/2017 01:11

I am glad you have real life support who won't judge your decision. I am aware that it can take many attempts to leave an abusive partner. it is not as easy as just LTB.

craicdealer · 01/04/2017 01:12

You're doing brilliantly lovely. Stay strong, you've got this. You have the whole of Mumsnet behind you so just keep going, your doing grand.

Original poster

myoriginal3 · 01/04/2017 01:13

I've a GP appointment for next Friday (ridiculous waiting times) to discuss insomnia. Meanwhile I'm listening to songs on youtube.
Thanks for helping. You are actually helping me.

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Original poster

myoriginal3 · 01/04/2017 01:18

craicdealer

Yes. I've got this.

OP posts:

fruitbats · 01/04/2017 01:18

Just a word of warning - I am a big music lover but some songs make me maudlin and reflect on happy/sad songs. It's not always good.

fruitbats · 01/04/2017 01:19

I'm def off to bed now. Catch you tomorrow my

Isadora2007 · 01/04/2017 01:20

Post it notes with strong woman mantras to yourself?
A theme song in your head that makes you feel you've got this?
The idea that your daughter could be at your grave if you don't stay away...

Just some ideas of what might help keep you moving in this right direction away from that awful excuse for a man.

Original poster

myoriginal3 · 01/04/2017 01:24

fruitbats lol - I think I've actually advised posters in the past to watch what they're listening to.

I'm currently listening to random shit that youtube is throwing at me. Nothing maudlin.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 01/04/2017 04:09

One of the things I did was to write down a list of some the terrible things he'd done to me. Then I folded it up really small and carried it around with me; in a pocket, tucked in my bra, down a sock. And when I saw him (we worked together) or felt myself weaken, I touched that piece of paper or just held it in my hand. I didn't have to open and read it, I knew what it said. But it was something tangible, a physical reminder of how he'd treated me. It may sound silly, but it really helped me to be calm and to stay strong.

Deadsouls · 01/04/2017 08:09

Op, how are you this morning.

I read through the thread. As you have no children, it'll be easier (don't know if that's the right word), to implement no contact.

What you have to be prepared for is how you will deal with him when he comes crawling back looking for another chance. It could be physically, by random text/phone, or some other way. These types usually do try to make a reappearance. It is worth considering how you might deal with this eventuality.
I'm so glad you're going to do this for you. You don't have to live this way.
Truly, delete this man from your life. He has NOTHING of any worth to offer you.

fruitbats · 01/04/2017 09:18

Morning my I hope you are ok this morning and that you managed to get some sleep. Insomnia is a pain in the ass!

BoysaDearyMe · 01/04/2017 10:22

Can you walk away? Move to a place where you have friends and/or family, cutting contact with him. It will help you to be stronger if he is out of your life and can't contact you.
You need to break the cycle.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 01/04/2017 10:42

You can do this! And you know what to do!

Abuse chips away at our self esteem so, if it helps, try to think of yourself in the third person. What advice would you give to someone in your situation? Make a plan of action and don't be swayed.

You deserve better than this and I'm delighted you've arrived at this realisation.

Stay strong!

StrawberrySquash · 01/04/2017 10:45

Stay strong so that in a few year's time you can look back and be glad you did. You can do this.

BoysaDearyMe · 03/04/2017 17:59

Hi op, just wondering how you are doing

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