Tight or Aibu?

[dailydance]

I'm with my boyf about 7 months. During this time he hasn't paid for a night out / meal. Maybe a few times he has got an extra round in. I have paid for a meal for him early on, expecting that it would be one of those, he'll pay for the next one and I'll get another meal so that it balances out but still feels like a treat. Turns out that I was wrong, we split each bill.

He asked me if I wanted to go to a gig with him soon and told me how much the ticket is so I can give home the money. It's less than £40 so not expensive. Before anyone asks, I'm late 30s, he's early 40s and neither of us are particularly strapped for cash. I have quite a bit less than he does however. For Xmas & birthday gifts he has either cooked dinner and got a couple of other things (can't say as v outing, maybe cost a tenner at most). I've spent about 100 on each of his.

I'm getting the feeling that he's pretty tight, but I am probably being unreasonable too and sound v ungrateful. It would just be so lovely to be made feel a bit special, even with just the odd meal or the ticket. Am I being unreasonable?? I'm half tempted to tell him I don't want to go to the gig (but I actually do want to go so would be cutting my nose off to spite my face)

Tight. Ew I'd ditch, how unattractive

Well if it's making you feel shit, ditch and move on. You don't have to keep seeing him. I just think you have different approaches.

Funny you should say that hive - I did bake him biscuits (for no reason faod) and he was thrilled.

It's totally a dumpable thing. WTF, it makes you feel shit and it's miserable. Move on! Life's too short.

I agree being tight is a very unattractive trait. I once went out on a date with a guy who kept giving me a running total of what he'd spent on me so far! I bought the first, third and fourth round of drinks in a naice cocktail bar and coffees after. I'm all for paying my way but I don't feel the need to let them know just how much I have spent! He was very well off, had a decent job and spent plenty on himself so was perfectly happy and able to splash out...just only on himself!

Yes, he spends a lot of money on himself

He's not tight, he's selfish. Run away.

Personally I don't see it as a deal breaker. Hes treating you as an equal, like he'd treat his family or mates. Thats a good thing, in this day and age. You haven't been going out that long, you aren't engaged or even married so it isn't shared money. I would imagine if you got married it would be different as you would have shared money. I wouldn't see it as a problem myself.

I think it depends on how much he appreciates receiving things himself.

I don't like receiving gifts, in fact I rather dislike it. If I want something, I would rather buy it for myself than have someone else buy it for me. I similarly don't like buying for other people, as I am never sure it is what they would have gotten themselves.

On the other hand, I would be delighted with home-made anything or anything without monetary value.

For me affection and consumption are just not related, and I prefer money left out of relationships.

Perhaps he is the same?

My DH is horribly tight with money. And it's not remotely attractive. Walk away while you can. If he can spend money on himself, he's tight and he's mean. Neither are nice qualities.

I find thrifty attractive and would avoid dating people with debts (apart from a mortgage or student loans).

The xmas and birthday things sound ok to me

People can take it too far and you have to be compatible! Financial compatibility is v important.

It is a difficult one. My husband and I argue about money even though we are doing ok, he is just much tighter than I am. He is also tight with himself though so I end up buying us both treats. It is probably the main thing we argue about, but he thinks I'm too frivolous. Then I become more frivolous and he becomes more tight and so it goes on.

I guess how unfair is he being and how much does it bother you? Only you can answer that :-/ xx

Thanks so much for all of the replies. I'm totally on the fence here. I think I'll talk to him and ask him if we can alternate bills when we go out for something to eat sometimes. That way, it's a treat but will ultimately be equal at the same time. I'll see how he handles that .

Maybe he has bad experiences with women from the past who expected him to pay for everything? If not, and he is just a tightfisted bastard, he will never change. Being tight is a very unattractive trait.

OP I know exactly what you mean. It's not being paid for all the time, it's the nice relaxed aspect of treating each other rather than divvying things up to the penny. Works out the same more or less but much nicer feel to it.

Neon I think that may be the case alright.

I don't think the OP is expectibg to be 'paid' for. And it's not really about the price of gifts, it's the thought and effort. But the fact you are picking up the bill for every date/meal is not on. After 7 months, surely you can push the bill in his direction and say 'your turn, I got the last one (20)'.

Being tight/selfish is such an unattractive trait. All those specials days, events marred by penny pinching. Run OP Run

KC - we split everything 50/50 each time. I only paid for him once, on the 2nd date, expecting that we would alternate bill paying but hey-ho not the case.

Sorry OP was responding to the poster who said 'why should he pay for you'

What on earth costs less than £-0 but could "out" you???

I was with my ex boyfriend for over 4 years and can count on one hand the amount of gifts he bought me (and that is INCLUDING birthdays and Christmas)! Money and being generous etc isnt everything but he was happy for me to buy him things and pay for meals out etc. I was younger then but was still so embarrassed when I was asked what I got for Christmas etc and had to say NOTHING!

Anyway, I think this type of person doesn't change and if you think about the future, buying a house, bills, children, do you think you could live with someone like that long term without resenting them?