To feel so upset with my friend?

[SoAngryArghh]

To cut a long story short my friend's husband left her - at her time of need. When she was incredibly poorly. She has a small child. I was incredibly supportive and so angry with her DH.

He gave no reason for leaving her - he just left and went to live with friends.

Fast forward a year - today I found out they've got back together - but got back together 6 months ago. We've been on day trips together. Her Dc has been to our house a few times. I see her everyday on the school run.

I accidentally found out today from mutual friend who just assumed I knew as I see my friend more than she does! Their relationship has come up in conversation and she's asked me not to mention her DH in front of her child etc.

When she told me they had split I was in tears for her - I was so upset for her as she was very ill and has little or no family.

I don't know how to feel. We've been friends for a few years. I feel like it's something about me that she felt she couldn't tell me.

I don't even know what to say to her when I see her again.

Our mutual friend said to say she's told me and just say she thought I knew.

AIBU to be upset? I don't know what I've done wrong. At the same time I don't want to make it about me BUT seems everyone but I knew this... I feel very hurt.

I know it's her business - but I feel a fool

A similar thing happened with a friend (not close) in a circle of friends. She actively lied to us all for months after she'd got back with her partner. I can forgive many things but not the lying, continually, to my/our faces. I cut contact; your life, your choices on how you conduct it, but don't lie to me.

Yes this is about you.
Your friendship with her and her friendship with you.
I don't blame you for being hurt as she has obviously led you to believe that her DH left her, that she is still in that sad situation and she has accepted sympathy. I would feel like a mug of I were you.
Yes, I'd cool off the friendship.

So you saw her for coffee today and didn't mention that your other friend had told you? I find that strange. Why on earth not tell her you'd heard this and is it true? Then she'd have had the opportunity to explain why she was giving things another go and why she hadn't told you.

It's possible someone saw them together and then word got out without her being aware that it was common knowledge. She probably does feel bad about keeping it from you and embarrassed that after all your support she's gone back to someone you've probably all discussed in pretty bad terms.
Fgs tell her you've heard this and let her tell you her side of things. I get it that you are upset but it does seem petty to let her chat away when you knew.

Don't expect her to tell you. Just keep the friendship going on a superficial level. She doesn't want to tell you because she's back with him after you know what he did to her when she needed him.

Conflicting messages. I really wasn't overly critical of him - just upset he had left her in an absolutely desperate time for her. She had health problems now thankfully resolved but had no one to care for her.

If anything I was entirely civil to him - even actively talking to him on school run if I bumped into him would ask after kids etc

I couldn't tell her I knew because I felt she should tell me - next time I see her I'll let her know our mutual friend has told me that they're back together. Mutual friend only told
Me as I was telling her how worried I was about said friend - that she had been a little distant and I wanted to see how she was. That's when friend said nothing to worry about - that she was hoping friend would have told me by now as she's been back with ex for a few months.

I felt a fool

I'm not judging her - just trying to work out why she didn't feel she could tell me.

Yes she's afraid of being alone - aren't we all. My friend said he said he had a mid life crisis. I don't think there was anyone else.

Once again I'm not In their relationship - of course I don't know the ins and outs.

Is it a cop out to send a message to say I know?

soangry no don't send a message saying you know. Leave it.

It's not anything to do with you, she has chosen not to discuss it with you so that should give you a strong message to keep out of it.

Talk about kids/to/weather but don't ever mention her relationship status

But what if she thinks mutual friend told me (as in 3 months ago when mutual friend found out) and now she thinks I'm not talking to her about it?

It's up to her to tell me right?

She sounds like a weirdo user and emotional drain..... ignore her.. she's no friend x

You've been shut out, you've been lied to, you feel hurt and you want to know why. You have given her a chance to talk to you honestly and she didn't.

Therefore I think you should now ask her outright what you want to know. Why wouldn't you? After all your support and being civil to her DH you are entitled to know. She's had enough time to tell you, and as you now feel silly take control and talk to her honestly....demonstrate to her what honesty is and how her secrecy has made you feel. She has humiliated you and has been damn rude.

If you need to afterwards walk away, she doesn't seem a good friend at all.

I'd just see her next time and just say hey you know they are back together and hope she is happy and change the subject.

I'd simply assume she is embarrassed and thinks you will judge her harshly .

Id want to know more facts though, back with the ex can take many forms.

Emotional drain would be right. Her eldest and my eldest get on so well. It would be such a shame. Yes next time I see her - probably tomorrow morning I'll let her know I know.

We were due to meet on Weds with the kids. I'll cancel. I'm to tired and got my own life to get on with.

Least I know IANBU to feel this way

As an update I spoke with my friend. I didn't want to leave it - neither did I want to throw away years of friendship. I told her I know and we met up and spoke.

Not many people know and she did want to tell me but felt embarrassed. They're not back 'together together'. So our mutual friend had the wrong interpretation.

I'm grateful for the advice and I wasn't BU to be upset. She understood that I would feel betrayed but as I had supported her so much she said she struggled to tell me - but it had nothing to do with me - the fact she hadn't told me.

I am worried for her - I've not told her this. I've just said she needs to be in a strong position to take him back. We talked generally and all is ok. She's in a tough place and as one person said we don't know what it is to walk in someone else's shoes. Of course all I want is happiness for her and her DC. Not the end of a friendship.