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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH shouldn't have given away my stuff without asking

49 replies

yaela123 · 31/03/2017 07:39

BTW this is quite out of character for him

Anyway, a few months ago I got a scarf as a gift. It was a nice scarf but I don't really wear them so I hadn't used it (and probably wasn't going to anytime soon).

Last week, when I was out, a friend of DH's was round and commented that it was a nice scarf so he said she could have it. He only told me this morning when it happened to come up in the conversation.

I would have donee the same thing (given it away I mean) but AIBU to be annoyed he didn't ask me first? He seems to think IBVU but I think it was mine not his and there's no harm in asking, right?

AIBU?

OP posts:

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 31/03/2017 09:03

He is BU but then plenty of people on MN seem to deem it acceptable to throw away/damage beyond repair clothes belonging to their partner just because they don't like the item

dawnviews · 31/03/2017 09:16

No he had no right to give something of yours away, but strange that this woman would accept it knowing it's yours. I mean who goes round to someone's house, admires a scarf and then accepts it not knowing if the owner would agree.

diddl · 31/03/2017 09:18

Did he know that you weren't intending to ever wear it?

Where was it so that his friend saw it?

I'm veering towards what flowery said-especially if he knew that you didn't really want it iyswim.

That said, it still wouldn't have taken him a minute to run it by you would it?

I mean the friend didn't have to have it there & then, did they?

HeyRoly · 31/03/2017 09:24

My spidey senses are tingling. Why was he so keen to impress / make this person happy that he gave away your scarf without asking?

I accept that you didn't really like it and he knew that. But it's still a bit odd to just give it away like that to some female friend who just happened to comment on it.

Floggingmolly · 31/03/2017 09:25

I imagine his friend felt bloody awkward... Fairly strange thing to do.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 31/03/2017 09:30

My spidey senses are tingling. Why was he so keen to impress / make this person happy that he gave away your scarf without asking

Paranoid, much?

Do you think the friend is trying to steal her stuff and her husband? Like a Hand That Rocks The Cradle kind of thing?

diddl · 31/03/2017 09:44

"admires a scarf and then accepts it not knowing if the owner would agree."

If he told her that Op didn't like it/want it why would she think that he was lying?

I partly think he was wrong because it wasn't his to give away, but also think what was the harm if he knew that Op didn't want it?

I think that I would be annoyed & would ask that it didn't happen again, but if it wasn't done maliciously, then it's a win win isn't it?

Spam88 · 31/03/2017 10:06

I wouldn't do this with anything of DH's unless it was sitting in a charity bag waiting to go out. Bit of an odd thing to do, but I suppose I can see that if you'd said you didn't want it...? I think just mention that you'd rather he didn't give anything of yours away again without checking with you first and then leave it at that.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 31/03/2017 10:12

I can't understand a scenario where a friend pops in and admires the scarf you got months ago and hate. Was it draped over the sofa or something?
Was she just being polite?
Maybe the friend hates it too but felt too embarrassed to say so? Now she's stuck with it

Theresnonamesleft · 31/03/2017 10:13

Maybe it's just me, but I think it's a bit weird that it was still out months after received when it's not used.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 31/03/2017 10:17

Theresno Not just you, I thought the same! Perhaps it was being used as a tea towel.

dawnviews · 31/03/2017 10:32

Even if the owner has said she doesn't like it, still weird to accept. No reason to think he's lying, i wouldn't dream of going round to someone's house, admiring something of the wives,being told "oh she doesn't like it , you can have it" and then taking it. It's wrong. She could have intended it for her mother or sister for all he knows.

dawnviews · 31/03/2017 10:36

, admires a scarf and then accepts it not knowing if the owner would agree.
I meant not knowing if the owner would agree to giving it away not agreeing that she didn't like it.

1stTimeMama · 31/03/2017 10:41

If you'd already expressed that you didn't want to keep it, I wouldn't have been bothered if he gave it away.
My husband has put some of my things in charity bags, and I've never even noticed what's missing! Slightly different as we're on a decluttering mission, but still, I wouldn't be upset about the scarf.

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 31/03/2017 10:49

What if you had just agreed to give it to a different friend though? I did this once, had something I did not use and a colleague was saying they were looking to buy one, I agreed to give mine to her, got home and found that DH had chucked it out months ago on the basis that he did not think I needed it anymore! He had not even told me! I was pretty cross, on the basis that it was not his to get rid of. YANBU!

Restorativepowersoftea · 31/03/2017 10:52

Where was the scarf? And is this a mutual friend?

thetemptationofchocolate · 31/03/2017 10:52

My Dp has form for doing this.
After the last time I told him that if he ever did it again I would start giving away/selling on ebay some of his treasures. And I wouldn't say anything first, they'd just be gone. Exactly as he had done to me.

Hasn't happened since.

Bluesrunthegame · 31/03/2017 10:55

Not his to give away! He should have checked with you before giving it to anyone else. Careless behaviour, hope it doesn't happen again.

Nordicwannabe · 31/03/2017 11:22

I don't think it's suspicious - exactly the kind of thing DH would have done... until it went wrong one time! In my case, it was a phone I loved but temporarily didn't need. Then 6 months later I did need it, and ended up having shit phones for a few years because he'd given it away to a family member! He was suitably contrite, and would never do it again It still comes up ten years later any time he's giving away anything

Thing is, I know it came from his generosity, which is a character trait I value. It's absolutely a family thing for us to give away anything we don't need if it can be of use to a friend or family member.

So just be sure your DH understands that you want to be asked (without the person there, and before mentioning the possibility to them) any time he plans to give away anything that's yours or a household item. Then forget about it or bring it up periodically for the next 10 years as I have to make sure it sinks in

feathermucker · 31/03/2017 11:33

But he knew you didn't like it and weren't planning on wearing it?!

I have to say if find it hard to get annoyed about that. Not sure why so many people are bothered about who he gave it to either!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 31/03/2017 11:39

I would admit that I would probably LTB over something like that - give away my shit at your peril!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 31/03/2017 11:40

feather but it didn't belong to him so he had no right to give it away.

blackteasplease · 31/03/2017 11:48

hibu

Original poster

yaela123 · 31/03/2017 15:49

I think it was just draped over a chair or something. When you have young kids random stuff just ends up anywhere!

She is a mutual friend but his more than mine. I have no other reason to be suspicious of him/her.

I think he was just trying to be generous but it kinda backfired.

This is exactly what I'll do

OP posts:

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