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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU

23 replies

Marshmalloweater · 29/03/2017 22:06

Im wondering if I can have your advice, I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or if it's my brother.

My dad has stage 4 cancer, he lives at home alone, his health is deteriorating but not enough to go to the hospice. So my brother and I look after him.
He is getting forgetful so he forgets his medication. We sort out his medication for him and best we can, he doesn't want carers in.

He is still of sound mind majority of the time, he can still walk about the house with his Zimmer frame (although he is very slow), we make all his dinners, he can get himself a cold drink, and light up a cigarette.

As I said he is deteriorating, but I feel we are doing all that we can. My brother however thinks we should be doing more.

My brother works full time and has his own family ( although they are all teenagers). I have 2 children of my own (youngest 11) and I am a foster carer so I have a 9 year old foster son.
I go down to see my dad during the day during the week, get his shopping in, his prescriptions, make his lunches etc wait for doctors nurses etc and at the weekend I go down late afternoon/early evening with his dinner. In addition to this I also go to visit my mum who is also ill (althiugh not as bad as my dad)
My brother goes down at night after work to see my dad for a couple of hours and at the weekend he goes down in the morning until about lunch time.

My brother now wants us to go down at night to make sure he takes his night time medication and eventually start to stay the night!
I can't do this because I have to think of my children, and also because I'm a foster carer. My brother has told me i don't care about my dad, and I should be puting blood before my foster son (the has been with us for 4 years). I genuinely can't believe he has said this. He lives closer to my dad than me, my husband is up at 5.30 every morning to travel to work, he has a manual job and isn't home until between 5-6 each night, my oldest is at college, but leaves the house at 7am on the days she has college. She doesn't go to college everyday but we don't live near the children's school (4 miles away), she doesn't drive and we live in a rural area so no bus service.

I really don't know what else I can do??? So is it me being unreasonable? I'm actually sitting trying to seriously think if there is anything I can do but I would like if other people can give me other opinions please.

OP posts:

greenlipstick · 29/03/2017 22:09

Wow no, YANBU. What an awful thing of him to say.

Have you looked into getting a carers' assessment? NHS Carers Direct might be a good start: www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/pages/carers-direct-helpline.aspx

Original poster

Marshmalloweater · 29/03/2017 22:11

Greenlipstick my dad doesn't want carers in. When he was first diagnosed they wanted to put carers in, they were in for 2 days and my dad told them to leave!

OP posts:

greenlipstick · 29/03/2017 22:12

There might be other help available though e.g. financial - I'd maybe just find out what all your options are?

gameofchance · 29/03/2017 22:13

I think it is time to get some support in the form of carers to go in and help out with at least one of the care visits or to prompt that it's time for his medication etc. Can you not get a meal service delivered : frozen meals to take some of the pressure off? I would be looking for help from social services. With the best will in the world you can't do everything

Marcipex · 29/03/2017 22:14

Of course YANBU.
Your other commitments mean you can't stay overnight. I'm so sorry about your dad, but I think he needs to accept outside help now.

IvorHughJarrs · 29/03/2017 22:16

Have you got his medicines in a blister pack? Chemists can make them up as a way to help him remember to take tablets

YANBU. Your brother is being unreasonable in expecting you to do more and your dad is unreasonable in not allowing carers to take some of the weight off you. My mother hates having people in but accepts some help rather than have us chasing our tails

KittiKat · 29/03/2017 22:16

I think your brother is just frightened of your Dad dying . He is lashing out.

Marcipex · 29/03/2017 22:19

Sorry x posted.
If your father won't have carers in, why can't your brother stay at night? Can his teens be left together at night? How old are they?
Your children certainly can't be left. Your 11 year old can't, even if you didn't have a 9 year old too.

Lukeandlorelai4Ever · 29/03/2017 22:20

Sorry to hear about your dad, it must be tough.
I think that you will need to have a talk with your dad about carers coming in.
Have you or your brother got space in either of your houses to take him in?

WatchingFromTheWings · 29/03/2017 22:21

YANBU. Nothing else to add I'm afraid but neither you nor your brother can be with him round the clock. You both have kids and jobs. Maybe you need to speak to your dad about someone popping in to help with the night time medication....I know he said he doesn't want outside help but he can't expect his kids to be on hand at all hours.

Topuptheglass · 29/03/2017 22:24

If your dad knew the strain it was putting on you, he'd allow the carers in.

My mum (78) was diagnosed with Alzhiemer's last year.

We were offered carers from the outset. Just in the morning time to give her medication & make breakfast.

Mum didn't want them, she fought hard not to get them, until we explained that none of us could be there first thing & wed be worried about her.

She still "hate the fuckers looking at me with their 'good morning'...fuck them" but it was a stepping stone to get her on social services radar. A means to an end as we're more than certain we'll need more support before much longer.

I'd go ahead & make enquiries anyway telling him it will ease the burden on you.

HandbagCrazy · 29/03/2017 22:24

Is your dad aware of how ill he is? How worried you are?
Could he come and stay with you sometimes?

YANBU about not staying overnight btw and your brother is beyond horrible for what he said about your FS. I would be apoplectic at him for that

Original poster

Marshmalloweater · 29/03/2017 22:25

Thanks everyone

My brother thinks I don't actually "work" and thinks he's doing more than me because he works full time, then goes down to see dad after work and isn't getting home until about 7pm at night.
My brother is a very hands on dad and helps out at home a lot which is fantastic, but he classes me as a "housewife" and says I should be doing more!
He is saying that I should stay alternate nights and when it's my turn to stay get up to go home before my husband leaves for work!!!!! Take the kids to school then go back to my dad (and also my mum) do what I have to do there, then go home to pick the kids up for school.

I have training to do for my job (I'm already behind and have been pulled up by social work for this), my own house isn't as clean as it should be (it's acceptable but not my standard).

I'm trying to hold everything together but I'm really struggling and now he comes out with this!

OP posts:

Original poster

Marshmalloweater · 29/03/2017 22:30

I can't have my dad staying because he is a smoker and with fostering my LA don't allow smokers. My foster son has extremely bad asthma so they definitely wouldn't allow it. My brother doesn't have any room for him to stay.

I think my dad does know how hard it is, he keeps saying I'm sorry to be a burden, but he's adamant he doesn't want carers, says the only people he needs are me and my brother.

I do agree my brother is scared about my dad dying (they are very very close) and is lashing out. My brother and I don't see eye to eye and aren't close so I know it's me that's going to bare the brunt of it from him.

OP posts:

Marcipex · 29/03/2017 22:33

Oh Marshmallow, of course you can't, that regime would finish most people off.
Could your father stay at your brothers, and you have one of his teens to stay to free up their room?

HandbagCrazy · 29/03/2017 22:36

So your brother is basically saying he is more important than you because he is a man with a full time job? He clearly sees caring as a mainly women's job.

I take back my previous suggestions. Now I suggest just saying no. Don't explain why, don't get sucked into justifying yourself. You aren't able to do more so just say no. Over and over. Add an occasional "I can't do that" and "that doesn't work for me." Rinse, repeat.

foxyloxy78 · 29/03/2017 22:40

Your brother can stay the night. His kids are older and he has different family obligations. He should not be putting this on you. Don't back down on this one.

Musicaltheatremum · 29/03/2017 22:41

If he has stage 4 cancer could Macmillan or Marie Curie get involved, even just visiting to offer support. Also could the GP try and persuade him to have careers. I know I have done this before. I do think you need to try and tell him that you need extra support to help him. It is really hard though and it is probably his final stab at independence to refuse them which I can understand.
Your duty is to your children first and foremost. Your foster child needs the continuing stability that you have given them for so long.

GoodDayToYou · 29/03/2017 22:42

Bless you, OP. It's such a difficult situation. It's just an idea but AgeUK can be very helpful re knowing what help is available and also helping you to apply for it. They might be worth talking to?

Original poster

Marshmalloweater · 29/03/2017 22:44

Marcipex my brothers teens are 14 and 17, he only lives in a 2 bedroomed house and it's really small and the bedrooms are upstairs, the living room isn't even big enough for a single bed.

Handbagcrazy my brother helps out massively at home and cared for his kids when they were younger (his wife has a job which she works long hours), so I don't think he actually sees caring as a woman's job, I think it's more to do with him thinking I don't work a "proper job" because I'm at home all day.

I do genuinely think both of us are doing all we can, I recognise my brother works a 9-5 job and can't do anymore than he already is, I just don't understand why he can't see that I'm doing all I can.

OP posts:

ThePiglet59 · 29/03/2017 22:45

Your brother can pop in every night and eventually stay over if he thinks it's such a great idea.
He is being ridiculous.

Original poster

Marshmalloweater · 29/03/2017 22:46

foxyloxy he is going to stay with my dad but wants me to alternate nights with him.

OP posts:

Marcipex · 29/03/2017 22:56

I think whoever gets on best with your dad is going to have to talk about carers again. Sometimes there is no good solution, only a compromise. Sorry it's so hard.

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