This is going to be long, sorry. I'm not expecting any solutions, particularly (there aren't any), just need a rant.
I have been no contact with PIL for about 6 years now, and before that was virtually no contact for another couple of years.
They are toxic, and 8 years ago, following verbal abuse of my dss, I told H they were no longer welcome in my house, as I couldn't trust them to not do the same with our dc (then dd1 - has severe ASD and, with the best will in the world, is difficult and challenging - and dd2 - also on the spectrum; we have since had ds, who also has ASD, who they haven't ever met (their choice, as there have been a couple of occasions where they could have, but chose not to))
H was low contact for a long while, but has recently been talking to them more. Relations between H and me are strained (not related to this issue).
PIL came up with a grand plan to visit. H says he told them in no uncertain terms that if they did come to stay nearby (they live at other end of the country) then any visit would have to be organised with the dc in mind, putting their needs first. Whether he did, and they haven't listened, or he didn't actually put his foot down as firmly as he said he did, I don't know, but the reality of the visit is farcical.
H and I spoke about it last week, when he said he wanted us to meet them for dinner today and tomorrow. Should be fine, except the dc don't get in from school on those two nights until 6pm (ds is only 4!) and just need a quick tea before wind down and bed. Dd1 is also having a tough time at the moment, and while previously having dinner at a restaurant was ok, it is difficult to achieve currently, so not a great plan to try it when she is tired after a day at school and hanging around waiting for siblings to finish after school clubs etc. Not to mention when she is having to meet relations who will not make many adaptations to include her. I mentioned all this, and H was adamant that we should try to meet PIL as they had 'come all this way' etc.
Fast forward to today, and I find out that actually, we're not seeing them tonight (find out at 5.45, so need to come up with a quick plan for tea! Great communication from H - instead, he is going to have dinner with them by himself), but H still wants to go ahead with tomorrow night.
I don't. It will be a hellish time. Dd1 and dd2 have not seen PIL for 6 years, and even that was only a quick half hour chat in a café. They quite literally have no idea who they are (dd1 is 12, dd2 is 10). Ds has never met them. PIL are not great with small children (should be seen and not heard), and awful with disability (will have no idea how to engage with dd1, and worse, will expect me and H to focus on PIL, rather than letting us get on with settling and keeping dd1 occupied etc.)
H is in a strop because I am saying no. He is playing the 'but they've come all this way' card (I didn't ask them to, and did actually say it wasn't a great time to visit as dc in school, after school would be difficult etc).
To top it all off, I am actually supposed to be going out tomorrow night (only a school mums meet thing, but I don't get many nights out!) but H is feigning ignorance, and claiming I never told him. I know I did.
I hate this. I don't want to be manipulated into seeing people I don't like, just because they have decided they suddenly want to take an interest in their grandchildren, but there is no way around it. Either I go, or it won't go ahead (all my fault, PIL have put themselves out etc, etc), or H will attempt to take all dc out on his own, and none of them will enjoy it (dd2 has already asked that if they are going to meet their grandparents, I go too as otherwise 'daddy will just get cross with dd1 and I don't like that')
So I get to jump now that manipulative, toxic PIL have pulled the strings.
Bollocks.