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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Visting parents who live some distance away

46 replies

golfbuggy · 28/03/2017 19:48

My parents used to live about 30 minutes drive from us, but just before Christmas, after years of talking about moving and putting offers on houses in many different parts of the country (and then withdrawing them) they unexpectedly exchanged on a house and moved not long before Christmas. The new house is about 4 hours away. I am not a good traveller so this puts it (in my head) into the "too far for a weekend visit" category.

As they were still sorting the new house they came to us on Christmas Eve, before staying with my brother over night and spending Christmas Day with him and his family.

February half term it was busy at work so I had no time off.

a few weeks ago my dad mentioned that they would love me to come down. I said (granted rather vaguely) that I'd try to come down over the Easter school holidays.

Possibly stupidly, having sorted when I was taking holiday from work, I didn't check this with my parents and it now turns out that the week I am off, they are in turn going away on holiday so it is no good for a visit. It genuinely had not occurred to me that they would go away then - as a retired couple they generally avoid school holidays like the plague.

We are away during May half term so it now looks like our first opportunity to go down to their new house will be the summer holidays. My parents are very sniffy about this. I admit I am annoyed (probably childishly) about their (pretty much spontaneous) choice to move so far away so I think this is the inevitable result of their decision! We don't have a particularly close relationship, so my view is probably also slightly jaded by the fact that I'm not that bothered about seeing them but know they like seeing their grandchildren. However the grandchildren are now pre-teens and are also less than enthused about having to make a long car journey to see their grandparents when they would rather hang out with their friends.

AIBU to not make more of an effort to go and see them /their new house?

OP posts:

Plunkette · 29/03/2017 14:09

They're your parents. Unless they are abusive I think that you have a duty to make some effort to be honest.

Your DC are old enough to travel in the evening. Leave at 6pm one Friday night and arrive in time to go straight to bed.

Leave after lunch on Sunday and arrive home for normal Sunday bedtime.

A duty visit once a quarter really isn't that much to ask to be honest.

We see our parents more than you do and we live in the USA for goodness sake.

xStefx · 29/03/2017 14:11

My parents moved away when I was still a teenager ,left me with my nan. That was 17 years ago and they still moan that I don't live close to them (they moved lol)
They also moan I don't go and see them! Ive been there 3 times this year already, they have been to see me once!

I just cant see their logic at all

Original poster

golfbuggy · 29/03/2017 17:59

Plunkette I am way too knackered to be safe driving anywhere on a Friday night after a week at work. And if I left at 6pm, I'd spend the next hour travelling 10 miles as all the traffic bottlenecks going out of our town. No idea when the DC would fit in homework either. But otherwise, yes, your plan sounds very plausible.

OP posts:

PeachyImpeachment · 29/03/2017 18:11

They should have checked dates before booking holiday - do they really want to see you?

BarbarianMum · 29/03/2017 18:16

4 hours is a twice a year distance in my book. You go to them twice, they come to you twice. Dates to be mutually convenient.

bignamechangeroonie · 29/03/2017 18:18

This might come as a revelation but you don't have to visit them at all

You have a busy family life, full time work, children doing exams.

The retired folks sat on their arses enjoying their 365 days holiday in a nice area of the UK can do the travelling.

I genuinely think they've forgotten how much work it takes to run a family and work full time

VacantExpression · 29/03/2017 18:23

My DM frequently makes noises about moving 3-4 hours away, and is then surprised that that means she will see me maybe twice a year YABU OP, especially that you mentioned the Easter hols and then they book a week away in that time without mentioning it till now?

Scaredycat3000 · 29/03/2017 18:27

We spent 15 years with family 3 hours away, in opposite directions of course. We moved, for the last few years we have been 2 hours and fuck knows, depends on traffic, how many toilet/sick breaks the dc need, the M25, 6 hours on average maybe. I didn't wake up in my own bed at xmas until 3 years ago, we were visiting IL's or my parents every year. It was utter bliss.
OP, you do have my sympathy, in droves. Do what you are happy with, because whatever you do it will not be good enough, so at least keep yourself happy. It gets draining. Obviously the main complainers are my IL's this is MN , who have never made an effort themselves.

TheWiseWoman · 29/03/2017 18:54

It doesn't sound like you are just in a huff because they moved so far away from you or spent Christmas day at your brother's and not yours. It's not like you deliberately didn't take time off work in Feburary and you couldn't have known they would be on holiday at Easter and you've gone and made plans for May.

There is absolutely no excuse for them to be sniffy...

IF they still want to see you before the summer then let them come to you, it's not like you were the one to move hundreds of miles away...

Plunkette · 29/03/2017 18:59

OK Golf I apologise for suggesting it.

Visit them once every six months then and ignore their unreasonable complaints that you haven't been to visit their new home.

Billybonkers76 · 29/03/2017 18:59

Have you been there at all?

Billybonkers76 · 29/03/2017 19:02

If you have never visited then yes YABU. I would make sure I'd know and see where my parents were living, 4 hrs is a lot but not a lot when it concerns your parents. What is wrong with going on a Saturday morning early and coming home mid afternoon? Your parents must be very hurt that you haven't been. Grow up.

Original poster

golfbuggy · 29/03/2017 19:09

Billy Ok so this is a massive drip feed but my parents didn't actually tell me their new address or get in touch at all until nearly a month after they'd moved. I posted a thread at the time which you can find if you search on my username.

And if I leave early Saturday and come home mid afternoon that means about 8 hours travelling for about an hour there surely? Fairly sure my parents will not consider that to be a "proper" visit.

Actually I think I have grown up - in years gone by I would put myself out to squeeze in visits that weren't really practical to keep my parents happy, whilst making myself ill and getting no thanks. Now I'm prioritising myself.

OP posts:

Stripeyblanket · 29/03/2017 19:19

My PIL alive 4 hours away and that's on a good drive with no traffic delays. In the last 6 months we have been 3 times and they have travelled up 0 times. MIL is rather poorly and doesn't travel well.
I don't think 4 hours is too bad for a weekend. If you really wanted to visit them. You could cancel some of your Waster leave and book a Friday and a Monday and go for a long weekend which would possibly make the drive seem less tedious?

Stripeyblanket · 29/03/2017 19:20

Easter not Waster. Stupid phone!

Jessicabrassica · 29/03/2017 19:31

Mil is 4hrs drive away. We go down 3-4 times a year; NEVER for the weekend though. On a Friday night we arrive at 9 or later with over tired excited kids. I feel judged that they are so feral that late at night and I'm too bloody knackered to deal with them, her or my emotional response. Saturday is fine, then we have to put everyone out by requiring an early lunch so we can leave early afternoon to be home in time for tea and bed. I think you're justified in not going that distance for a weekend.

Billybonkers76 · 30/03/2017 21:09

Sorry, I meant so Saturday morning and leave mid afternoon on the Sunday, at least then you'll have a bit of time together.

Billybonkers76 · 30/03/2017 21:10

Do you not like your parent much? Are they nice parents?

Coughingchildren5 · 30/03/2017 21:23

My parents retired 6 hours drive away. I haven't visited for 1.5 years because I genuinely can't manage it for a weekend, can't do the drive in one go by myself, and dh and i stagger our leave in school hols to cover childcare.
I do feel guilty but then they haven't visited us either, never phone and never enquire after the children, so my guilt is eased!
I message them updates now and then but they don't initiate any communication. I guess they chose to move that far away because they wanted some distance so I don't worry too much.
We have older relatives on my dh side who live 3 hours away and we make that journey in a day every other month. Even when my parents were just an hour away we didn't see them that frequently so ultimately I do think it's about the relationship you have with them.

bigbluebus · 30/03/2017 21:56

My PILs moved from 1 1/4 hr drive away to 4 hour drive away, 10 years ago. They have never visited us since they moved. We visit them twice a year as does DH's DB2 and family. PIL's live near to his DB1 so see him all the time.

They acknowledge that they chose to move away and have never put any pressure on us to visit more often even though we all get on fine and enjoy each other's company.

Your parents are being demanding and self centred. If they want to see you that desperately, they can come to you. Otherwise they can wait until the Summer when it suits your family.

Topuptheglass · 30/03/2017 22:21

My PIL retired abroad about six years ago.

They complain they don't see enough of the GC.

It's a four hour flight & 30 min drive either side. That's not including the waiting at airport. It takes us the guts of a day to get there.

We've been about once a year since they moved. They've came home for Christmas each year so we see them twice a year.

The same expectations aren't thrust on dh''s sibling as they haven't beared GC yet (& won't be either).

In my mind, they chose to move away, they choose limited contact with teen & tween GC, they choose to Skype every few weeks when they're pissed & the GC don't want to talk to them.

Why should dh & I waste annual leave & hundreds of pounds to visit them when we could spend the time somewhere of our (& the kids) preference.

Anyway, I digress - YANBU. If you could go up Saturday morning (arrive lunch time) & leave Sunday (stopping for lunch on the way home?) It might be doable?

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