Hanging up on the phone

[Songbird90]

First of all... I know I'm being unreasonable... I would just like some advice. I have OCD, Anxiety and Depression. I'm in a long distance relationship with a man I adore and hope to one day marry. Whenever he says something on the phone that my anxiety takes the wrong way, rather than talking about it, the rest mist descends and I hang up. Afterwards I feel so stupid but the next time it happens I automatically hang up again. It started when I went to boarding school when I was 14 and if I had a typical teenage argument over the phone with my parents they would usually hang up. So I think that's where it has come from. I'm humiliated and don't want to hurt him. Does anyone have any tactics I could adopt? Please try to be sensitive because although I know I can't blame it on my MH issues, I'm a completely different, easy going person on a good day. It's starting to slowly chip away at me and need to put a stop to it. Thanks in advance

Bump :(

Can you try something physical like sitting on your hands so that when the habitual impulse kicks in, it's easier to stop yourself?

How often does this happen? Once a month or once a day?

Who contacts who after and how? (Do you message an apology or does he initiate contact again?)

What happens next time you talk? Do you acknowledge what you did?

Name change fail haha

mylittle That's a good idea, except we usually video call (I tend to miss his face a lot) so the little red button is always there

Could you try putting the phone on speaker and stepping away a little bit so it's not so easy to just hang up?

Could you try pressing the mute button instead of the end call button so that you're taking some sort of action but it doesn't actually end the call?

Or have some sort of "safe" word you could use as the anxiety starts to build so he is alert to the fact you're entering the red zone?

keely we both like the code word idea. We've decided on 'mustard'. I might try the mute button idea too. We have such a great relationship, this being the only major issue so keen to work hard to sort it

I'm glad my suggestions were helpful. Best of luck!

Is this really terrible behaviour though? If you explain to him that hanging up is a subconscious/involuntary response that comes from anxiety/depression, that you are signalling that you need time to process what he said, that you know it appears very abrupt and blunt but you are asking for him to understand and accept this foible, would he not be willing to work with it?

I'd add my 'vote' for having a word to use as a code. Also, could you try a plan of you both knowing that you'll hang up, but always phone back after 5-10mins, but start talking about a different topic?

OP im sorry your parents used to hang up the fone on you when you were in boarding school, that's so sad to read.

I think the mute, code word or just placing the fone down on the top (not hanging it up) and sitting back until you feel you can continue with the call again are good ideas.

You sound like you have a lovely , understanding partner

Have you tried CBT for your anxiety? I suffered similar mental health problems for years and found it really helpful.

Thanks so much everyone. So far mustard is working well (he's French and 'mustard up my nose' is apparently a way they say they don't like something, so it was his word choice!!) have tried CBT but struggle to apply the techniques in everyday life and I'm so impulsive!

I'm glad mustard is working well OP. I do this too (though thankfully now DH and I live together it's no longer something that comes up often) and I found being further away helped: so putting him on loudspeaker out of arm's reach, or for video calling having my laptop set up on the coffee table while I sat on the sofa helped quite a lot. Good luck!