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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know IABU, help me see the light

53 replies

LittleBoPeephole · 28/03/2017 15:29

So, I'm redecorating our house and have some space for a spare room as DP doesn't need his office anymore. Weach both live far from home town although my own mum will be the one staying in said spare room 99% of the time.

Mum has been single all my life. Dad left when I was very young so I've only had mum and siblings as company. My mum had recently found a new partner and I've never met him or spoken but my mum is sure they are going the distance and will eventually marry. That's great for her and I genuinely want her to be happy.

But here's the AIBU: would I be unreasonable to buy a single bed for her knowing that she eventually want to bring her boyfriend? It grosses me out to think about them two near each other let alone sharing a bed.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 28/03/2017 16:11

Ignoring everything else but the practical element, could you buy a single with another pull out single underneath it, something like this www.archerssleepcentre.co.uk/Dura-Eton-Deluxe-Guest-Bed-Divan-Set-p7586.html?utm_source=Froogle&utm_medium=Froogle&utm_content=Froogle&utm_campaign=Froogle&gclid=Cj0KEQjwk-jGBRCbxoPLld_bp-IBEiQAgJaftbylMgjs-00yxM9WUFXK9NuI_jP3nYQYK9ignWJ1NUgaAvwn8P8HAQ to protect your space and sensibilities, but achieves the same aim.

Renaissance2017 · 28/03/2017 16:11

I would only draw the line if she asks you to fit out a BDSM dungeon in there....

2017SoFarSoGood · 28/03/2017 16:11

Oh how I hope you are 14. Your poor mum.

228agreenend · 28/03/2017 16:12

If the room was an office before, is it quite small? Will,your mum becoming alone or with new partner?

Why don't you buy one of those guest beds, which has a second bed stored underneath. You can then convert the bed toma double, or two singles, depending on who,you have to stay.

Original poster
LittleBoPeephole · 28/03/2017 16:15

I'm not grossed out by my mum having sex, my mum had a boyfriend (who I see as a father figure) and ehm was not exactly about having sex - maybe I'm also embarrassed DP will hear her? She didn't care when I had a sleepover with my friends!

I think I'm more grossed out by the fact that she is the only person that has actually seen him (long distance) and I don't trust him in my house let alone sleeping with my mum, even if she is free to do what she wants with her life and body.

OP posts:
FrenchLavender · 28/03/2017 16:17

If the room fits a double then buy a double. Everyone over 12 hates a single bed whether they are single or not.

And you've had your mum to yourself your whole life, without a long parade of boyfriends and stepfathers parading through. Be thankful for that (it's horrible) and act like a grown up now. Be happy for her that she is in love. Now you've all flown the nest she isn't going to be alone and lonely and that's good thing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/03/2017 16:17

So worried more than grossed out?

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 28/03/2017 16:18

Good grief, don't be so ridiculous and controlling. Unless there's a huge drip feed here, pull yourself together and grow up.

BorpBorpBorp · 28/03/2017 16:20

Buying a double bed isn't the same thing as inviting him to stay.

gamerchick · 28/03/2017 16:20

To add a single adult wants a double bed anyway! Single beds are for children not adults

Erm I have a single bed and am perfectly happy in it ta Wink

This isn't about the bed is it OP? Maybe you need to speak your thoughts about having a stranger in the house with your mother and tell her you would like to get to know him first.

Renaissance2017 · 28/03/2017 16:20

It's not as though she is asking to come at this point is it? Who knows what the future holds. He might actually turn out to be really good for her.

Gumbo · 28/03/2017 16:22

My whole childhood my parents each had a single bed - in the same room, just physically not too close! It was very odd. Even more odd, though, was that when DH and I went to visit them (they lived in a different country) we were also given 2 single beds, with a large chest-of-drawers wedged carefully between them! With that attitude towards sex it's astonishing my DM ever managed to breed..

So yes, I get where you're coming from, if you've never had to think about your DM in that way it'll be somewhat weird for you. However, you need to get a double bed - but I think you know that really... Smile

Original poster
LittleBoPeephole · 28/03/2017 16:24

He is Spanish, currently living in Spain (I speak Spanish so it isn't a cultural/language problem). But he has nowhere to stay in the UK apart from with mum, so wherever she goes, he has to come along too.

OP posts:
anotherpoisonprince · 28/03/2017 16:24

YW BVU to buy a single bed. You have absolutely no right to dictate whether your Mother shares her bed with another person.
My DCs are adults. I have been single for most of their lives. I would be confused and a bit upset if they felt I wasn't worthy of a fulfilling sexual relationship just because it hasn't been typical.

FrenchLavender · 28/03/2017 16:28

my mum had a boyfriend (who I see as a father figure) and ehm was not exactly about having sex - maybe I'm also embarrassed DP will hear her? She didn't care when I had a sleepover with my friends!

Oh, well that's not quite what I thought you meant when you said she'd been single your whole life!

Goldfishjane · 28/03/2017 16:28

I suspect this post isn't really about what you are saying it's about

but I can't sleep in a single bed. I think a lot of adults can't. Forget the BF - if you have room for a double bed in the spare room, put a double bed in. Also your mum might not be the only person who stays.

if you aren't comfortable with someone you don't know staying in your home, that is a separate conversation.

PandaPolar · 28/03/2017 16:30

Buy a double so it is a spare room that is for others as well, not just for your mum.

VladmirsPoutine · 28/03/2017 16:35

Panda very sensible advice. Buy a double as it would essentially be suitable for guests rather than pinning it all on your mother's sex life.

JustSpeakSense · 28/03/2017 16:35

Buy a double.

Try to accept that she has a boyfriend, and a life.

BadKnee · 28/03/2017 16:39

I understand OP. You feel how you feel. You are not selfish or controlling to feel that way.

Practical solution mentioned above - single that becomes a double. Gives you the option.

DistanceCall · 28/03/2017 16:43

It grosses me out to think about them two near each other let alone sharing a bed.

How old are you, twelve?

Get her a double bed, or she may (rightly) prefer to stay with her boyfriend. In bed. Having sex.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 28/03/2017 16:44

Definitely get a double bed. Just because it's more comfortable and enables you to have other couples to stay sometimes - friends etc.

Whether your mum's new boyfriend ever sleeps in it or not is neither here nor there for now.

newnoo · 28/03/2017 16:53

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

DistanceCall · 28/03/2017 16:58

Just one thing: of course everyone has the feelings he or she has.

But having feelings is one thing, and acting upon them is something else entirely.

So even though you may feel uncomfortable, or jealous, or insecure, or like a 12-year-old who wants her Mum all to herself, you are an adult who can see that these feelings should not be acted on because it would be childish and irrational and completely unfair to your mother.

So feel away, by all means. Just don't behave like an overgrown child.

Doyouwantabrew · 28/03/2017 16:59

gamer sorry no insults to single bed dwellers but I would fall out I like to spread out Wink