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AIBU?

DH didn't plan anything for first Mother's Day.

90 replies

Ladykluck · 27/03/2017 17:58

DS is 8 months old and I've had a terrible time dealing with his reflux and PND. Had been looking forward to Mothers Day thinking DH would do something nice for my first Mothers Day. On the Saturday he presents me with a supermarket bunch of flowers that I drove him to go and buy. On MD he gives me a card from him. Nothing from the baby. Then he asks do I want to go out, excitedly say yes thinking he's booked the afternoon tea I'd been hinting at for ages. Nope, Costa and buys me an Americano saying he'll buy us a takeaway later. Fast forward home where I then am left to do the laundry and I end up ordering and paying for the take away as he's took himself off to play his computer after putting DS to bed. AIBU to have expected a little more.

OP posts:

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Iamastonished · 27/03/2017 21:15

It never occurred to OH to get me anything for my first Mothering Sunday. I went to church and came back with a bunch of daffodils, and it still didn't register, even though I had discussed what to get his mother with him (because it wouldn't have occurred to him to get anything for his mum either).

So I got nothing at all.

Joffmognum · 27/03/2017 21:21

I didn't get anything :( he doesn't do birthday presents either unless I explicitly ask for them.

It's his only major flaw, but :/

BroomstickOfLove · 27/03/2017 21:26

Many men need specific instructions. So do many women. DP and I spent years giving each other totally the wrong sort of gifts until we had a proper conversation about how we like to mark special occasions. We each kept giving each other the sort of treats that we would have liked ourselves and hadn't realised that we each valued different types of gift. DP's ideal gift is something practical that gets used most days, a little bit nicer than you would buy for yourself. I like things that feel luxurious and slightly frivolous. He how mostly buys me nice underwear because that fulfils all of our gift criteria so everyone wins.

Notthemessiah · 27/03/2017 21:48

Oh my god - so many here whose self-worth seems to revolve around whether the man in their life did something 'special' for them on a 'holiday' created and marketed to sell flowers, cards and chocolates. Are you all so desperately in need of validation that you're good mothers? Do you really need your husbands and partners to tell you this on a specific day in a particularly artificial way?

Crying (seriously!), if it hasn't been to the standard you'd expect.

Either your DP/DH loves and respect you and what you do (and shows it), regardless of the day of the year (so who cares what they did on mothers day) or they don't, in which case no amount of flowers should be able to make up for it.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 27/03/2017 21:51

notthemessiah no. mothering sunday is not a created to sell cards holiday.

MissGoggins · 27/03/2017 21:56

I bought his mum, my mum and my grandmother a card from the baby and made little foot prints and put them in with little thank you's.

Why?

Notthemessiah · 27/03/2017 21:58

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mothering_Sunday

"UK-based merchants saw the commercial opportunity in the holiday and relentlessly promoted it in the UK; by the 1950s, it was celebrated across all the UK.

People from Ireland and the UK started celebrating Mother's Day on the same day that Mothering Sunday was celebrated, the fourth Sunday in Lent. The two celebrations have now been mixed up, and many people think that they are the same thing"

Not even orginally about mothers at all anyway (but actually 'mother church').

NotaSnowflake · 27/03/2017 22:05

I totally get you OP. My ex turned out to be a total arsehole who neglected our daughter but even he marked my first Mother's Day with the little hanging plaque below.

Never got anything else for the 2 Mothers Days I've had since then (which is since we split). No surprise there though!!

DH didn't plan anything for first Mother's Day.

Ladykluck · 27/03/2017 22:06

MrsGoggins
I did this because this is what my family has always done. I did it as a thank you from me to them for helping me with the baby. I feel it's important to acknowledge what others do for us. My dad always helped me and my brother buy things for Mother's Day until we could do it ourselves.

OP posts:

EllieQ · 27/03/2017 22:06

FFS. I really hate the way so many people on here say 'You're not his mother, so why should he get you anything on Mother's Day'. Because she's the mother of his child(ren) and is probably doing more hands-on mothering being the mother of a small child than the mother of an adult, that's why! So if your children are too young to do anything, a decent man would make sure his wife/ partner got the type of day she wanted.

OP, that sounds shitty and I'm sorry you didn't have a good day.

user1473602935 · 27/03/2017 22:07

Sounds fine to me - I got the same and thought that was fine. Not a big deal to me tho

NotaSnowflake · 27/03/2017 22:08

Joff That's disgusting. Your other half sounds like a total tightwad. Very unattractive

user1481490957 · 27/03/2017 22:10

I got a text from DDs father today saying 'happy mothers day' I said thank but it was yesterday. Men are bloody useless haha

Ladykluck · 27/03/2017 22:11

NotaSnowflake
Thank you for understanding.

Had this been a birthday or valentines or a subsequent Mother's Day I couldn't have cared less as this is the kind of thing I would expect. I just thought he would have put a little more effort into my first Mother's Day. He can do it, his proposal was incredibly romantic and very thoughtful.

OP posts:

Booshbeesh · 27/03/2017 22:14

Its also his first mothers day. Its all well and good buying for our own mothers but for the first time hes had to buy on behalf of a tiny little person something for the woman he loves. Learning curve.

80sMum · 27/03/2017 22:16

I think I received my first mothers day gift (flowers) from DS when he was aged 31! He had recently married and I suspect that my lovely DIL suggested that he might like to acknowledge mothers day!

It doesn't bother me if DS and DD don't send anything. I can take it or leave it.

But if it's important and you have specific requirements, OP, you'll need to spell it out to your DH and explain what you would like him to do, as clearly it hasn't occurred to him to do anything for you for mothers day (probably because you're not his mum!)

unicorn5629 · 27/03/2017 22:16

Aww op I sympathise, it's not often about the gift or the card but just the feeling special for a day. My DD was 5 days old on my 1st and I stropped majorly because.. well, I don't even know WHAT I wanted... I got a card and flowers after I had to ask him what he had planned (said gifts were in the car!) he'd spent the week ferrying my family up and down to see the new baby, adjusted to being a father (our first) oh and had presented me with an expensive eternity ring when she was born... nope! I needed the recognition and look back and feel a little silly but I know how it feels

MissGoggins · 27/03/2017 22:16

I did this because this is what my family has always done. I did it as a thank you from me to them for helping me with the baby. I feel it's important to acknowledge what others do for us. My dad always helped me and my brother buy things for Mother's Day until we could do it ourselves.

I, we, my...

Your dh isn't you.

And the pp who said even their abusive ex... maybe he was so good at the charmer persona this sort of fake bs came easy to him.

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2017 22:23

I just don't get how telling your partner what you want, and crying or being angry or punishing them in some way to ensure the message sinks in , in any way makes you feel good when you get the gift that's then given out of duty or fear.

If you're married to an arsehole who does nothing, then are people seriously saying he's great every other day of the year, but theyre torn up he fell down one day, or is he an arse hole all year round and they'd rather get gift out of duty than no gift on that one day.

If it's the latter and he always basically ignores your needs, then the issues are much much wider thank Mother's Day,

If it's the former and he's treating you brilliantly and appreciating you the rest of the year, but flowers, a card and a coffee are still not enough for you on mothers day, then you're being overly entitled.

EastMidsMummy · 27/03/2017 22:30

the DH is supposed to act on behalf of the child

Says who? This isn't a standard thing like giving sprouts on Christmas Eve or sharing bodily fluid jars on Valentine's Day.

Ladykluck · 27/03/2017 22:32

He doesn't treat me brilliantly. He's got no appreciation of what I do. That's why I expected a little more on my first Mother's Day. Thought he'd make up for it but no. I did say that I wanted to go to a local spot which has been used as a film location for a period drama I love that had an exhibition of the sets etc. But he moaned that you had to pay to get in.

OP posts:

Boosiehs · 27/03/2017 22:44

Jeebus some of you are pretty bloody miserable. What is wrong wrong with wanting to acknowledge the fact that the OP has recently become a mother, and for her to have one day to feel extra special?

Yes, she should feel special every day but with a new baby that's not very likely.

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dontbesillyhenry · 27/03/2017 22:54

Your expectations seem pretty high tbh.
I'd have liked a cuppa and the chance to put my feet up but instead got some lovely jewellery and had to run round after 15 month old all day while DH sat on his ass and I am also ill ffs

Notthemessiah · 27/03/2017 22:55

If he doesn't treat you brilliantly and has no appreciation, I'm not sure why you thought he'd be any better on mother's day. In fact, I'd even go as far to say that if he had made a big effort, but just for one day, that would make him more of a creep rather than less.

Sounds like you need to sit down and tell him about how you feel about your relationship in general (but don't make it about mother's day or he'll try and make it sound like your over-reacting).

Unihorn · 27/03/2017 23:06

I think YANBU. But it all depends on your expectations. It was also my first mother's day and I reminded my husband a few times in the weeks leading up to it so he would know I wanted to commemorate it. We don't do valentine's day, we do cards for anniversaries and we do very little for birthdays and Christmas. I felt I wanted to recognise mother's day, probably more because it was my first, and I assume the OP is the same.

I also agree Costa is not really "going out" but I go out for coffee two or three times a week to high street coffee chains. Afternoon tea in a hotel or restaurant is more what I would consider as going out. But again it's all subjective really. Some people don't go to town shopping or for coffee often so they may consider it more of a treat than others.

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