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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think letting your child travel without a car seat is bad parenting?

51 replies

Hoptastic53 · 27/03/2017 11:08

My best friend has a daughter who is 8 years old. Her dad picks her up from school for contact and I noticed a few times that he didn't have a car seat for his DD so I mentioned it to my friend. He'd been using a booster since they separated when their DD was 2 anyway which my friend had been unhappy about. She'd noticed before he started collecting from school that he didn't have a car seat once and offered to lend him hers and always made it clear she'd rather he borrow hers than let DD travel without one. My friend only lives five minutes from school.

When I told her she said what can she do? The contact is court ordered. I said personally I'd insist on pick up from home so she could check he had a car seat for her. My friend said this wouldn't stop him not using one for the rest of the weekend, which I'd true but I feel so strongly about car safety (close family member lost their child)that I'd stop contact over it as I feel it's neglectful parenting.

Their DD is about the same height as mine at around 123cm so should still be in a high back booster, in my opinion. Aibu to advise my friend she shouldn't let this continue?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoptastic53 · 27/03/2017 14:27

She has more issues with him and his treatment of their DD than just the car seat but is scared to confront it all because he was/is abusive to her. I'm happy to report him and have told her so but she's worried it'll cause trouble for her and her DD. At the same time though, she's worried sick whenever her DD is with her dad.

OP posts:
missyB1 · 27/03/2017 14:27

Just report him to the police when you know for definite he has the child in his car.

Original poster
Hoptastic53 · 27/03/2017 14:28

He isn't using a booster. She is in an adult seat.

OP posts:
FlyingElbows · 27/03/2017 14:29

Maybe instead of guessing what height the child is "about" or "around" one of her parents could measure her?

Universitychallenging · 27/03/2017 14:31

sorry - I've re read your op and I'm not clear. Is he using a booster cushion?

Original poster
Hoptastic53 · 27/03/2017 14:36

No. He owns one but is no longer using it. She's shorter than my DD who's 125 cm so at least ten cm too small for an adult seat. She uses a high back booster at home.

OP posts:
FiveMinutesAlone · 27/03/2017 14:39

Can't you just report him to the police when he's picking her up from school?

Given that it's illegal for him to be not using a car seat for his 8yr old DD?

He might pay more attention to ensuring he's got an appropriate car seat if the police pull him over and issue some fixed penalty.

Original poster
Hoptastic53 · 27/03/2017 22:36

I've suggested I report him anonymously but she's worried he'll think it's her and there will be a backlash.

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 27/03/2017 22:41

Report him anonymously but say that you work at the school or something then.

Sunnyjac · 28/03/2017 04:41

Report him, let the police sort it out. The court would take notice of that as much as they would take notice of a mum revisiting a contact order due to the illegal transportation of her child. All those of you who say it's a minor thing and doesn't matter - thank fuck you're never going to have my kids in your car!

FiveMinutesAlone · 28/03/2017 11:10

I've suggested I report him anonymously but she's worried he'll think it's her and there will be a backlash.

The information you've given in your OP suggests that the ex-h has been driving his DD around in car seats that your friend thinks are unsafe for 6 yrs. She presumably hasn't reported him to the police about it before, so why would he think it was her fault if he got pulled over now?

The police round here have various road safety campaigns throughout the year - they had a weeklong seatbelt campaign earlier this month where they said they'd be stopping cars where people weren't wearing seat belts - so it's certainly not always the case that a driver has to be reported for the police to pull him over and check his child is correctly restrained.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/03/2017 11:15

Keep out of it! Contact us court ordered, so she is powerless, if she refuses contact, then she is reach of court and the judge can reverse residency.my friend is going through exactly the same thing! The way judges treat mothers in court is awful, don't think judge will stop contact as father refuses a car seat.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/03/2017 11:21

It could well, how abuse victims are treated in the family court is shocking. A lot of judges use Richards Gardner discredited parental alienation syndrome, in a bid to put the blame on the mother alenTing the child from their father, and it can break up families. She is probably shit scared if loosing contact if she does not comply. Yes it might well stirr up trouble for her in the courts, especially you know her.

brasty · 28/03/2017 11:23

OP I don't think you understand how courts treat mothers who refuse access.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/03/2017 11:46

If I thought the family court system puts children's safety and well being first, and is totally child centred, and applies reason, than I would say, go ahead, report, but they don't! Woman's Aid is campaigning for safe contact in the family court, as there has been child deaths as a result of unsafe contact with an abusive NRP, usually the father. You reporting will probably be used against her, and she will be seen as a trouble maker by the judge, my friend certainly was.

Strifae64 · 28/03/2017 11:48

The way judges treat mothers in court is awful, don't think judge will stop contact as father refuses a car seat.

Are you taking the mick with this? it is quite the opposite most of the time.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/03/2017 12:07

Not with my friends judge Strif, it was was ignored by him

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/03/2017 12:15

Keep out of it! Contact us court ordered, so she is powerless, if she refuses contact, then she is reach of court and the judge can reverse residency.my friend is going through exactly the same thing! The way judges treat mothers in court is awful, don't think judge will stop contact as father refuses a car seat

If the child legally requires one they can and do.

Original poster
Hoptastic53 · 28/03/2017 12:20

I do have experience with the Court on both sides. This friends ex was granted EOW and half of holidays despite admitting badmouthing my friend to their DD, being so drunk he passed out when she was in his care, failing to arrive for contact, being abusive in front of their DD and causing them to flee to a shelter.

OTOH, my partner was given one day per month on the basis that his DD wanted her own bedroom and to go home (100 mile journey) any time day or night and DP said that was unreasonable and so was only given one day. His ex has frustrated contact repeatedly - even ringing DSD to tell her she can come and pick a puppy if she comes home now from contact - but the Judge has done nothing to stop her.

OP posts:
brasty · 28/03/2017 12:21

The family courts have a presumption of contact, and often view a resident parent saying a child should not have access for reasons of safety, as simply an excuse, or a parent trying to put barriers in the way.
Don't believe the myths about family courts always taking the side of the mother and being against the father, that is a total lie. The family court will not stop contact because a father does not use a booster seat.

EweAreHere · 28/03/2017 12:23

Report him to the police for her with his reg details and when he'll be driving her about.
Job done.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/03/2017 12:31

Exactly brasty, the safety element, will be seen by some judges as a mothers way of obstructing contact.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/03/27/judge-says-wife-forced-drink-bleach-not-vulnerable-has-friends/

This is the mindset of some of the family court judges, and my friends judge, who told her basically the same thing, as this judge told the woman. For every god judge, there is a bad one out there. Sorry that is the reality. I am on a support group for DV and contact in the family courts, and some of the horrific accounts of the protective mothers within the court system is awful. A few have said that it was worse than the abuse they suffered, being cross examined by their abuser, and disregarded by the judges.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/03/2017 12:36

Oh yes I remember, because my friend is intelligent, and is in a profession, he ex lets say was not so bright, was told by the judge that she should be expected to talk her way out of an abusive situation due to her intelligence.

Trainspotting1984 · 28/03/2017 12:38

The only thing you can do is report him. I don't think the police are going to be swinging into action by any means but you never know. If he's caught He'll get fined and that might make him buy one. It might not. Neither you or your friend have any control over this

Aeroflotgirl · 28/03/2017 12:50

Lets hope the Police catch him with the kids without restraint in his car, I think that is the only way to get through to the courts. If mum reports it, then she's seen as obstructing contact, if op reports it and she is connected to the mum, than she will be seen as causing trouble.