I'm not even sure what I'd say. I love my job, I'm a SP to 4 DC under 8, my house is clean and tidy, I've changed my diet, trying not to smoke/drink, DC are clean, fed, eldest 2 are doing great at school, do extra-currilcular activities, i have family support and finally have a good arrangement with ex, i look presentable etc. BUT, i feel like I'm failing. I feel I'm fucking up the DC. I am moody and horrible. I shout. I'm horrid. I feel so sad. Thinking of my childhood could make me cry, although i don't i cry at adverts and stupid shit like that instead. I feel like i am setting the DC up for unhealthy adult relationships and to follow in my own crappy footsteps. I feel like I've ruined the older DC's lives by having the younger two because i wasn't strong enough to walk away from their dad sooner. DD2 drew a pic in her mother's day card of me her and DC1, as the other 2 are "annoying" (she's got that from me) i love DC3 & 4. I don't regret them, but i regret the life I'm giving them all. Logically i suppose i know they wouldn't be better off without me but i feel they would be. I've spoken to family but they think I'm doing great. I've tried telling them I'm not really but they don't believe me. I just want drugs to make me numb so hopefully i can be kind. I'm sure DC1 is walking on eggshells around me. I feel like I'm just waiting to die sometimes. Get through the next 18 years and then, i don't know.
But if i go to the Dr's what could they even do?! What can i say? Everything seems fine, really. But it isn't. I know I'm not good enough and I'm fucking them up royally. They have no better option i suppose then to be with me, but it won't do them any favours. Not really. They deserve so much better. I try so so hard, but i just can't do the basic thing of being consistently kind and patient. I am frustrated, angry and impatient. They deserve better. We're screwed basically. And it's all my fault. I can't see any way out. Could a Dr help? Would drugs help?