to want to pack my bags because of DS?

[Seren2017]

DS, mid twenties, was stomping about very loudly in his room earlier this evening - I was watching TV. Been ill for sometime and was watching to relax - and get me in the frame to go back to work tomorrow. I called upstairs for him to be quieter - wasn't so called again. He came down, switched the TV off and shouted his head off at me.

At one point I said if he carried on, neighbours would call the police - he grapped my phone and said that he would. Tried to push me back into the chair when I got up. He'd clearly, very clearly been drinking - shouted, ranted so loudly and for long without pausing for breath. Said I was internalising things, on and on, much of it frankly didn't make sense. DH said there, saying very little.

He'd obviously been on the phone to his gf - stressful call he implied.
I've never had cause to the frightened of him before. But he was positively scary.

It's late now - too late to go to a hotel. If I'd called the police, it would have got nowhere. He didn't hit me. Obviously, things are difficult for him with gf - but he knows how much we love and support him. This was so out of the blue - and on mother's day. Feel shattered.

He needs to leave tomorrow. Your DH can help pack his stuff and move him out, then get a locksmith to change the locks. If he tries to re-enter, call the police.

Doesn't matter how difficult things are with his gf (and, frankly it's not surprising, and I hope the poor lass gets away from him), he has no excuse for behaving like that. Your dh needs to take a very firm and strong line with him and no crossing the boundary laid down by dh. I would say you need to do it, but you have been ill, so your dh needs to do it for both of you, but you must back up your dh.

There are no excuses for this behaviour. He is not a toddler.

Tell him tomorrow, in no uncertaing terms that if he ever behaves like that again the police will be called - and mean it. The police don't need you to have been hit to justify their attendance, you just need yo be frightened, which you were.

And tell your dh to grow a backbone.

He is in his mid twenties, he should be more than capable of looking after himself

I feel that he is blaming you for whatever is going on in is life. I would try and find out what that IS before kicking him out as such

However he does need a moving out date, two or three months, and move out

I wouldn't bounce him out immediately

I would expect support from my husband

I think do nothing tonight and focus on going back to work. Avoid DS for a couple of days.

The do what Crumbs1 suggests.

I'm close to agreeing with Crumbs but not quite

I'd be slightly gentler. I'd find it really hard to boot him out without warning. I would (with his father) sit him down somewhere public - a cafe/restaurant or similar and say he frightened you and was unacceptably aggressive and that you are not prepared to tolerate his behaviour. Tell him there will be no more money from you as un repaid loans. Tell him if he so much as raises his voice in future he will need to move out. Tell him he needs to get a job and start paying housekeeping. I'd give him support to find a job and remind him I loved him he needed to enter adult world

Because I also agree with most PPs, and think he needs to move out. But unlike most of them, I wouldn't realistically kick my child out onto the streets, not for what he's done (horrid as it was)

What I think is MOST of what Crumbs said, but then you helping him into finding a place of his own (a room in a house share?). Maybe he needs to move location in order to do that? Might be good if things not great with his gf.

To be clear, (to me) what he did was NOT in ANY WAY acceptable, and therefore, if you don't make changes because of what he did, you're tacitly saying it's ok. For which his future partners will not thank you, because I'm pretty sure he'd do it again. So (if for no other reason) things now HAVE to change.

(I'm talking quite stridently. I should disclose that I started a thread this weekend where I was told by about 85% of posters that I was impossibly PFB about my DD and she'd move out and dump me in a blink of an eye because I infantilise her, so possibly ignore everything I've said!)

Thank you all so much - I've just caught up and cannot thank you enough for responding. In the shower just now, I felt so lonely, so empty and sad thinking that this marks something of a watershed. It's never happened with this DS quite like this before.

I also agree quite a lot with Crumbs and chastened - sit down with DS & explain that whatever else is happening to him, he cannot treat me (indeed treat anyone) like a verbal punchbag. He has so little money as he has only casual work. He has a couple of degrees but hasn't put nearly enough effort into finding work, either locally to tide him over or long term. And, boy, has he had support and encouragement - all this is such a kick in the teeth.

I am so embarrassed about what's happened this evening. His shouting - and so much of it was so random, angry, repetitative - will have been heard by neighbours and I'd like to get away for at least a night. So, I've packed a bag & will find a hotel near work for tomorrow night.

And, I agree with you all - DS needs to leave. I think he's become very dependent on me in all sorts of ways, including, of course finanical, and it's time he moved on. Because of the randomness of his work itenerary, he comes in at all hours of the night and creates lots of noise.

But by far the biggest thing right now is the fact that for the first time ever, he hurled abuse at me and I was frightened.

chastened - I'm sorry about your DD and do hope things work themselves out. I've not seen your thread but it sounds difficult - good luck.

Yours sons is abusive and your DH sounds useless.
Get him out op, hopefully it will be the making of him.

Have you spoken to your husband about this? Has he explained why he sat by and let your DS carry on?

Does he agree that your son must leave?

Seren2017 to be clear... MN said it was difficult. It's not, and things are working out fine. I just felt I should disclose because I gave advice that was contradictory to a thread I'd started and most of MN disagreed with me about and I didn't want to be a hypocrite!

I like your idea of a hotel.

One of the best bits of advice I was ever given was "if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got" so if you don't like what you're getting, then YOU need to make a change in order to change what's going on. I think your idea of staying in a hotel makes this point.

And, as a PP said, stop subsidising him!

Sorry Seren but your boy sounds like he's a real brat. You're quite right to go somewhere you feel safe tomorrow. But you and DH also need to put the fear of God into him, about NEVER pulling this kind of shit again, with anyone. I wonder if his girlfriend is being "difficult" because he pushes her around too?

A mid twenties guy with a couple of degrees (guessing you paid) and no rent and no real job, he's letting himself be a real lazy loser at the mo so best case scenario he knows this and hates himself for it and just needs a kick up the arse.

I'm sorry OP, you must be feeling terrible. I'm not sure what's going on with your DH? Is he perhaps scared of your ds?

You and your DH need to talk and decide what you want to happen next and be a united front. I have to say, I think your ds needs to leave, if nothing else, having you as a safety net like this is enabling him to not really try hard enough to find a job. Perhaps with a few degrees he thinks certain jobs are beneath him? Whatever happens you need to understand that tonight's events were serious - don't start minimizing what happened and don't let him off the hook for his aggressive and threatening behaviour.

I agree with crumbs1

why should u leave though

all this oh u cant kick him out-why? i was 17 when i as kicke out and rightly so i was talking to my parents like shit-we did work it out but they werent prepared to be abused

all this ah but hes got no money hees still your son is bollocks hes a grown man sponging off u and then abusing u in your own home

I feel for you. Now you have written all of this down you can see that this situation has developed over time and really you don't want it and its probably not doing your son any favours either.

I absolutely do not excuse his behaviour. I do however think that both you and your husband have enabled it - he is behaving like a 14 year old not someone in their mid 20's and he does this because he can and its easy.

I would sit down with him when hes sober and tell him exactly how he made you feel. I would then give him goals that you want him to achieve - job in 3 months, £XX a week towards his keep from now on. It doesn't matter if he is so low paid that the contribution per week is only a fiver, its the principle that's important. I would also make him do chores around the house in lieu of rent.

and if he refuses? well its not a hotel, give him a week and off he goes.

people who aren't treated like adults start behaving like children and the only ones who can force him into sorting himself out are you and your husband - together as a strong team.

please don't leave your house. book the room by all means but tell him to go and stay there to give him time to think.

its only sometimes when things come to a head, you write them down, you re read them and you realise that you have had the word mug tattooed on your forehead. you have seen that now OP so you need to go forward with strong and consistent action.

but, if you give in and make him a loan or give him an extension of time or anything else then this will fail. consistency is the only way this is going to get him to wake up and smell the coffee.

Try and have a restful night tonight away from it all.
And I hope work is OK today.
As everyone has already said, it's time for him to stand on his own 2 feet now.

He treats you like a doormat because you act like a doormat.
I doubt that you will change.

I thought this was going to be about a stroppy 15 year old and I was going to say it does get better. I'm a bit gob smacked at the thought of a grown man behaving like this. He needs a talking to when he sobers up.

How are you doing today seren?

Have you spoken to ds yet?

just checked in to the thread to see how you were doing Seren2017. Hope things are getting sorted. good luck to you.

This would be seen as, and recorded as, domestic violence by the Police. Is he as violent to his girlfriend?
He needs to understand that if you had called the police he would have a criminal record with all the ramifications of that.
He should be fucking grateful that you didn't. I hope for your sake that if there is a next time (and unfortunately there probably will be) your neighbours do call the police.

Mid twenties - 24, 25, 26?

I'm not saying grown up children should leave the family home as soon as the stroke of midnight on their 18th birthday, but there comes a time when grown ups have to learn to be responsible for themselves. Sadly you won't always be around to lend him money and support him when things go wrong with his girlfriends. So he'll have to learn to do it alone.

I would be telling him to contribute rent, that you won't be lending him any more money, and he needs to work. An ultimatum about shaping up or shipping out basically.

Sorry you had a bad mother's day.

I would be greatly disappointed with DH. I am not sure if DH is DF of your DS however he DH has allowed someone to distress and upset a wife and mother without jumping to her defence.
Clearly you still work and I would certainly give thought to the fact that you seem to live with 2 men one of whom is threatening abusive and a bit keen on drink, the other stands by doing nothing. Perhaps your best move would be to get as far away from these two as you can and use your income from work to provide yourself with a safe haven.

He needs to move out. But don't speak to him until he is sober. Your DH needs to back you up and it's worrying that he didn't.

Perhaps your best move would be to get as far away from these two as you can and use your income from work to provide yourself with a safe haven.

Totally agree. Get yourself out of there, and leave the pair of them to it.