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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to go to this party?

51 replies

bibbitybobbityyhat · 24/03/2017 15:05

A friend of mine and dh's has a significant birthday coming up and is celebrating with a party at home.

I would describe him and his wife as good friends, but not our dearest or closest. We have been friends for over 20 years (met initially through work) but only see each other once a year or less because we live quite a distance apart. When we do meet up it is great fun, we usually go out for a meal somewhere nice equidistant from our houses. Apart from that we don't particularly keep in touch other than Christmas cards and the odd text or email. However, we like them both very much.

So ... the journey to this party is 1.5 hours drive (at least) or a bus, tube and train ride away which would take the same sort of time. We will know at the very most one other couple at this party (if they go - and we last saw them 10 years ago), I might know a few other work colleagues vaguely.

Tell me honestly ... would you want to go?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 24/03/2017 16:30

I'd go. I've got one coming up in s couple of weeks. Two hour drive and an over night in a hotel. Will know hardly anyone there. But we will go, because well that's what you do for friends, and also because we will make the best and try to have a great time. It's not like we have anything else on that night anyway.

It's a night out, it's a friends birthday, go and have fun.

busyboysmum · 24/03/2017 16:33

Depends how much time you will get with your actual friend. If it's a massive party where they will be circulating and get to chat to each person for about 15 minutes then have to move on then as you say an intimate meal at a later date might be preferable given you don't know anyone else there.

Allthebestnamesareused · 24/03/2017 16:34

It is a special occasion for your friend and tgey want tgeir friends to celebrate with them. Do it for them not you Confused

gandalf456 · 24/03/2017 16:34

I probably would not want to go. Anything that involves getting someone to look after children is hassle as is a long drive.

I used to turn up to lots of events in didn't really enjoy because I felt I should or felt guilty then I realised that most of my social life was like that so I tend to pick and choose more now

gandalf456 · 24/03/2017 16:35

Eta I would if it were up the road though. I do think you've got a valid reason not to make i

BasinHaircut · 24/03/2017 16:39

I don't think I'd bother if you won't know anyone else there. I think that's reasonable if you are once a year friends.

Foldedtshirt · 24/03/2017 16:40

I'd go and drive, in fact I'm doing exactly that tomorrow night. I'm not exactly thrilled, but they're old friends.

PuppyMonkey · 24/03/2017 16:40

I've turned into an antisocial old bugger in my old age and would definitely not want to go.

However, I might be persuaded if DP offered to drive and I could get bladdered. Wink

highinthesky · 24/03/2017 16:47

If you don't go, you might find it's the beginning of the end for this friendship.

It's worth making the effort if you value the 20 year friendship.

readthethread · 24/03/2017 16:50

i wouldn't want to go
but i would go
and probably enjoy it.
it's just the thought of it OP, just get on with it! Drive if you have to.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 24/03/2017 16:51

I'd go, they are friends.

BeyondThePage · 24/03/2017 16:55

Nope - not me - an hour and a half - each way. 3 hours for a party where you don't know anyone, it is not a close friendship and you have a 13 year old at home. Sounds like too much hassle.

skippy67 · 24/03/2017 16:56

If you don't want to go, don't.
I doubt your friend would want you there under sufferance. Let your friend enjoy her party without having to put up with your pouting.

Liiinoo · 24/03/2017 17:00

Don't go. Decline the invitation and arrange a celebratory catch up at a later stage.

DaffodilsinMarch · 24/03/2017 17:06

Do you know if it's going to be a big party? If it is, they might not be upset if you can't make it but if it's a fairly small do then they may be counting on everyone to make the effort. Is there a way of finding out or is that impossible?

It's also hard to comment without knowing what they're like and what your relationship is like - I've got friends who wouldn't be bothered in the least and would understand completely about being reluctant to do three hours travelling for a few short hours. I've got other friends who might be quite hurt.

I'm a bit on the fence about this. I think it's always worth making the effort and as PP have said, you might end up having a better time than you expect if you go. But equally, I don't think you are a horrible person just because you don't want to make a long journey to see people who might not even get much of a chance to talk to you.

Could you maybe say that you're not (yet) sure you can make that night because of conflicting commitments/babysitting issues or whatever and ask if you can meet up close to the time of the party for a special lunch/dinner? See how they react -- if they're very disappointed at the thought of you not making it you can say you'll keep working at it and then go. If they don't mind, you've got an alternative in place.

Sorry this has gone on too long. Blush

Mossop17 · 24/03/2017 17:07

dont feel bad about not wanting to go, i have been in this situation recently and it doesnt make you a bad friend etc etc etc if you are going to be out of pocket/ feel uncomfortable and not enjoy it why would you force yourself to go? Maybe suggest a meal like you would normally do at another time to mark the birthday when its only the usual gang?

BettyBaggins · 24/03/2017 17:13

If I wasn't making an overnight of it I would do what liinoo said. Don't go. Decline the invitation and arrange a celebratory catch up at a later stage. Send them a card and maybe a bottle of fizz?

I really don't think saying you can't make it has to affect your ongoing friendship.

blondehair · 24/03/2017 17:20

Would you expect them to turn up if it wad the other way round? And if they didn't, would you be really bothered?

Why don't you arrange something for another time, like a day out, so leaving kids wouldn't be such a big deal as you could be home by the evening? Or just send a present and say sorry for not being able to go? I'm sure they can't be the most important friends if you only unusually meet once a year.

KERALA1 · 24/03/2017 17:22

Of course I'd go. Travelled further than that for friends significant birthday.

Foldedtshirt · 26/03/2017 17:28

Did you go bibby?

Original poster
bibbitybobbityyhat · 26/03/2017 17:34

We did! Two hours drive there, at party from 8.30 to 11, 1 hours 15 drive back.

Party was packed and we spoke to a few randoms, the hosts and one other couple we know slightly and last saw at the hosts significant birthday 10 years ago!

I had two cokes. Got to bed at 12.45 and put the clock forward to 1.45.

I wouldn't do it again and I think now DH agrees with me!

OP posts:
Original poster
bibbitybobbityyhat · 26/03/2017 17:36

Did you go to your party folded?

OP posts:
HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 26/03/2017 17:38

I'd go to be honest. It might be a bit of a faff but they're friends and it's a big birthday so I'd put the effort in.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 26/03/2017 17:39

oops should have read post - glad you went even if it was a bit meh, probably better than feeling guilty about it anyway!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/03/2017 17:42

Glad you went, they'll appreciate it.

Next time you don't want to go to a party you know you'll dread as it gets closer and closer, make an excuse of a precious engagement as soon as you get the invite. I've learnt the hard way too.

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