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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To split Dd up from her best friend

52 replies

Playdoughinthecarpet · 23/03/2017 22:36

Dd is 5 and in reception. She has a big group of friends including a 'best' friend'. The Bf has been a bit of a thorn in my side since nursery, teaching Dd rude words, an incident of showing each other their private parts, general kids behaviour . 3 weeks ago Bf went to another friends for tea. Since then Bf is now best friend with the other girl. I was a bit relieved. Dd was upset but has won a certificate for hard work, been much nicer at home and was sent to the head for a sticker for good work yesterday.
In the last 3 weeks the exbf has been unkind to Dd. She has always taken her pictures and reward stickers and has pushed Dd into 'the omelette line when Dd wanted sausages ' and has been telling the other kids not to play with Dd. We have been telling Dd to tell the teacher when kids are horrible to her but she won't. She really wants to be best friends with this girl. Yesterday Dd was upset, she was sobbing in her bed and when I asked her what was wrong she said she was so fed up Bf was asking the kids Dd was playing with to play with her instead and not talk to Dd.
My Dh messaged Bfs mum and Bf admitted doing this and was made to apologise today.
There are 2 classes in each age group at school, AIBU to ask the school to move Bf to the other class in year 1. My judgement is a bit clouded as a had a dominating bitch of a best friend all through school and was glad to be put in a different class in secondary school! I don't want my Dd to get stuck with a friend she can't stand up to but I don't really want to fight her battles. Dh thinks Dd shouldn't be made to move class as she hasn't done anything wrong???

OP posts:

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/03/2017 00:25

I'm not going to tell you not to worry. You're a mother. You see your child upset of course you're going to worry,
but. They'll be playing together next week. You can't expect schools to rearrange classes every time children have a fall out.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 24/03/2017 01:15

Ellie bullshit.

Parents have the right to voice their concerns WITHOUT being scared of being labelled a problem.

OP ignore all this crap. It's not normal for girls or any child to act as your DD's "friend" has done and at 5 it is your job to help her.

Megabeth · 24/03/2017 01:43

My eldest had a best friend in Nursery sand reception who would blow hot and cold. Every morning DD would ask 'are you my friend today?" It was awful knowing this child had power over my DD. The girl had quite a difficult home life, her brother was a young carer for the parents so I did make allowances for the girl but she was very manipulative. We moved house during yr1 so that was the end of it.

Original poster

Playdoughinthecarpet · 24/03/2017 07:44

Megabeth, am hoping Dh gets 'his dream job' then we can move!

It's been 16 months of drama in reality though. I kind of felt it would be better long term to end this early and let my Dd concentrate on her school work. There are a few months left before she finishes reception, a lot could happen. Am going to put the separation idea on hold and reassess in June.
Thanks for all your thoughts, I really appreciate them all

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 24/03/2017 07:47

I would tell the teacher of any incidences, and let them deal with it. Encourage your daughter to have other friendships, clubs, activities etc.

Spadequeen · 24/03/2017 08:02

I hate all this crap of children being children, they need to sort it out themselves, etc. What a load of fucking bullshit!

How are they supposed to learn how to deal with it by themselves? We taught Dd how to deal with the other girl, but no good if someone's not teaching the other girl what she is doing is wrong.

Dd2 had a friend like this. No point talking to the mum, there is a history there of her ignoring anything her little darlings say or do. So we approached the school, several times. Each time it would calm down for a couple of weeks but would always start up again and made my dd's like hell.

New year, new teacher. Didn't take long for the 'friend' to start her usual shit, we had a word with the teacher, she spoke to both girls as well as the whole class and has kept an eye on things ever since. No problems with this girl, they are still in the same class and although may not ever best best friends again, they run along well

Well done op for trying to get this sorted now rather than letting it go on. Well done to your dh for speaking to the parents (as he already knew them) and well done to the other mum for speaking to her dd.

Megabeth · 24/03/2017 09:10

Good luck with your possible relocation OP.
Just to add YANBU to suggest splitting them up. I don't know if your school mixes them around after Reception, some schools do.
My youngest DD's school mixed them around for yr3. I found out later that several parents put in requests for their children to be separated from one particular child. The child isn't really a problem child, she was overbearing but not a real bully. Had I known I would have asked for my DD to be kept with one particular child. DD was really affected during yr3 and 4 by the separation. The teacher said she hadn't realised DD and this girl were close. Her objective was to split up a set of twins and one or two strong minded girls.

DD is now yr6 and I have asked for her not to be accommodated with two particularly mean friends on the residential trip in the summer.

00100001 · 24/03/2017 09:18

I know it's not your problem, but if this little girls is going round saying things like "called Dd a cow and a 'snake in the grass'." Then she is learning that from home. her parents are talking like that to/around her.

I would definitely report it to the school, because this girl is being neglected in some way - and they will have the "bigger picture" of the girl.

Yo might be providing a piece of the jigsaw for them so that the family can get the help and support they need for this girl.

Tell the school!

Nabootique · 24/03/2017 10:07

YANBU. It's not typical behaviour. The falling in and out with each other is, but the bullying and isolating is not. I will be vague so as not to give myself away, but had a very, very similar situation with my child at a similar age. The school did intervene because it became apparent the other child was making my child deeply unhappy.

purplecollar · 24/03/2017 10:32

I would recommend reading some friendship books yourself. I've got a couple I go through with dd from time to time.

They list out what makes a good friend. How they should expect to be treated. What to do if this happens. Coping strategies.

If she's pushed out of the sausage queue she needs to push her way back in. If someone's taken her reward stickers, she needs to get them back. If someone's taking her playmate away, she needs to argue the toss.

It takes years with a quieter one I think. But ultimately they need to get to that point.

I would really recommend things like brownies, martial arts, sports clubs for widening friendship circle and giving confidence and strength.

But IME they'll always have these situations. Learning to deal with them is key. At age 5 though they need a bit of help I think. I would keep going back to the teacher if it continues.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 24/03/2017 10:47

When children play mind games it's obvious they've learned it at home.

My older DD had a friend who would say "You're not my special girl anymore"

Which is odd wording for a 5 year old...unless that's exactly what her own Mother says to her.

Ellieboolou27 · 24/03/2017 11:27

jonesy I'm thinking from your responses you may indeed be a mother both teachers and fellow mums avoid.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 24/03/2017 11:52

Ellie well not at all. From your post I'm thinking you've got a chip on your shoulder...but whatever. That's unimportant.

What is important is that children of five need guidance when socialising.

Ellieboolou27 · 24/03/2017 12:16

Oh do grow up luv

BarbarianMum · 24/03/2017 12:23

I asked the school to separate ds2 and his "best friend" at the end of Y2 because they were constantly falling out with each other (6 of one, half a dozen of the other but it was making ds2 miserable). 2 years later they are back in the same class and friends again but both have other friends now so things are not as intense and they, of course, are more mature, so it seems to work.

Biting the bullet and asking for them to be split was a hard decision but endless talks about "being a good friend" or "what to do when a friend is unkind" were getting me nowhere.

Nanny0gg · 24/03/2017 12:27

Oh do grow up luv

This is why bullying and nastiness will continue.

5 year-olds (and some adults) are not capable of sorting this sort of thing out on their own, they need help. And imo that is part of the teacher's role.

doctorboo · 24/03/2017 12:52

In my (humble) opinion there is nothing wrong with letting the teacher know what's been going on. You won't get 'labelled' and the teacher will have the knowledge that it's always a fantastic friendship- with your daughter being the unhappy one.

My son (5) went to a birthday party at the weekend and was picked on for his lack of football skills by one of his classmates. This was a boy who I'd thought was quite pleasant, but my son was in tears over it and I've never seen him cry like that over 'words'.
I told his teacher after the weekend as he'd been talking about it at home and was ruminating over it. The teacher actually asked for a name and arranged for a class 'friendship talk' because, in her own words, they spend such big chunk of time at school and some children need to be reminded of what's acceptable behaviour and what's not.

doctorboo · 24/03/2017 12:54

it isn't always a fantastic friendship

Ellieboolou27 · 24/03/2017 13:08

nanny i responded to op then got told my response was bullshit and I have a chip on my shoulder. The op asked if she was BU to ask the teacher to remove the bully from her dd's class, IMO yes she was, however I gave some advise having had first hand experience, my mum is also a retired primary school teacher so yes there are mums out there who are labelled as PITA parents by teacher, although of course they'd never know.
Now can we all calm down and play like adults

Hope you sort it op, at least you have a variety of responses and sorry the thread has become a bit of a cat fight

JonesyAndTheSalad · 24/03/2017 13:42

Ellie you sound like the one that needs to grow up! What your Mother does for a living is nothing to do with anything!

Witchend · 24/03/2017 14:07

The problem with splitting them next year if the other girl is dominant you may end up in the situation that I had with dd1.

They would migrate to play during play times. If every dd1 was playing with a child from her class, bf saw them off. If bf turned up with another child, dd1 happily enjoyed playing with all of them. (I had this from teachers and other parents, not dd1)

So ultimately dd1 ended up very isolated in her class because no one particularly wanted to be her friend as they could only see her during lessons. Whereas bf ended up with a group. That then meant when db turned on dd1 she was totally isolated.

I suspect if they'd stayed in the same class they would have ended up with them both in a group and when bf turned on dd1 it might have split the group, or (I've had this from parents a few years down the line) they generally preferred dd1 so they would have stuck up for her and bf would probably not have dared repeat it.

Catrina1234 · 24/03/2017 14:25

Wow Jonesy keep your hair on - I never mentioned the word bitch - you did. Any teacher (and most parents) will tell you that there are distinct differences between the way boys and girls interact and socialise. But I'm not going to bother explaining to you as you seem the sort of person to be so sure you are in the right.

MumW · 24/03/2017 15:51

I think that the message to take from this thread is that these children are very young and are only just beginning to learn about friendship and what is and isn't socially acceptable behaviour.

I don't necessarily think you need to nip the friendship in the bud as such but the school definitely need to deal with this behaviour.

As others have pointed out, children do need to learn to deal with bullies and how to stand up for themselves as they grow older. At this stage, I would try and encourage your DD to widen her circle of friends both in school and outside.

Hopefully the school will deal with it and, with time and space, these two girls will learn to co-exisit/become friends again on an more equal footing.

Original poster

Playdoughinthecarpet · 24/03/2017 16:46

Quick update. DD's teacher has already split the girls into different groups and hadn't noticed anything wrong. Today the Bf asked Dd to play and Dd said no and there was a bit of nastiness, teacher immediately intervened. Seems Dd has grown a backbone but took it too far. Will be having a conversation with her on acceptable behaviour this weekend!!
Feel pleased however Dd was able to play with the kids she wanted too and is happy.
The teacher assured me that her door is always open, I didn't feel like an interfering parent!

OP posts:

purplecollar · 24/03/2017 21:15

Yes growing a backbone is good. You can't rid the world of these conflicts unfortunately. But you can help your dc face them. Good for your dd. Maybe she overdid it a bit this time. But hopefully that's increased her confidence just a little. It's a very long, steep learning curve and this is a little notch in the right direction.

My dd had a massive fight with another "friend" in Y1. They were put at the furthest, opposite ends of the classroom possible. Then split into different classes at the end of the year. Five years later they are quite good friends and I'm on good terms with her friend's parents. It's all trivial at the end of the day, in the grand scheme of things. It seems huge at the time. I would never recommend that they flat shared. But they get on for the odd outing/meet up just fine.

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