Am I responsible for MIL Mother's Day gift/card?

[lemony21]

We have been NC with MIL after she basically dropped us and our children for a closer option (but that's another story) that was almost 2yrs ago. Before she dumped us we all had a lot of involvement in each other's lives, me more so than her son (DH) I always bought presents and cards, if I didn't she wouldn't get anything IYKWIM. Last year as things had only recently turned bad I still sent a Mother's Day gift etc but it did feel uncomfortable. This year I'm wondering if I should bother. I don't want to mention it to DH as it causes upset when she's mentioned. She has sent cards for Birthdays and Christmas over the last 2yrs but no gifts which has been quite hurtful for the children, as she normally made a fuss of them and put in a lot of effort. (She now does that for someone else and their children) I feel that there is a special meaning behind a Mother's Day gift/card so it feels inappropriate to tell her how great a mother she is when she actually isn't.

Am I still expected to send MIL a Mother's Day gift/card after 2yrs NC?

It's Mother's Day rather than MIL's Day so no, I wouldn't send a card even if I had a really close relationship with my MIL where we lived in each other's pockets and were best friends forever. It's for your husband to send a card, if he wants to.

Perhaps mention to DH that you haven't got a card / gift to send this year due to the situation. If he wants to send something then he can organise it.

Admittedly I'm now a bit 'hard line' regarding DH and contact with / gifts for his parents.

After a particularly difficult Xmas with my MIL and some very passive aggressive gift giving from her I told my DH that I won't be organising visits to see them, won't be buying presents and cards, etc. That all contact and gifts are now his responsibility. I'd ended up being the one that prompted him to ring his mum, reminded about birthdays, ended up buying gifts and cards because he forgot / couldn't be bothered. He managed to do all that before we met, I'm not doing it all for him just because he can't be bothered. Especially for such an ungrateful manipulative woman!

diddl its a long complicated story but it was essentially so I could say I had tried to keep in contact (previous time we had gone NC I just left the country and didnt contact her and the time before that contact just fizzled out) but it was also so I could feel no guilt about going NC, previously I would get people saying that I should contact here blah blah but this time I can say I tried, she didn't return the favour and so I'm done. She didn't even get in contact when DS1 had an emergency op and I know for a fact she knew about it.
Anyway sorry I've hijacked the thread!

Happy mothers day you miserable old trout!

From op and dh.

Save yourself the cash and buy yourself a instead!

No.
I am nc with my mother she won't be getting a mothers day card!

Can we all agree to stop writing and sending cards on behalf of our adult partners? Please?

Your call buy a card or not. Your dh sounds like quite hard work if you cannot even talk to him about this, it's putting the burden of his mum onto you.

BUT i would personally continue to send a card. It's not total N/C if she sends you cards and it really is no hard work to do. So I agree with opticaltrixie.

There really is absolutely NO need to send mothers day cards to a person

• with whom you are in nc
• who is not your mother in the first place.

I bet your DH is not agonising over what kind of card and present he should send your mother..

FootstepsMerlot - Nope, it's part of our division of labour and it's one I like. I do all card and present buying because he hates it (I always consult with him if it's for his family though). A lot of the household labour is divided this way. I do most of the cooking because I enjoy it and it's a chore to him. He does other jobs that I hate (ironing for example). I think it's a fair exchange.

OP - I think if I were you I remind DH once and then drop it.

It will send the wrong message. That she can treat you and your children how she likes but you will still put thought and effort into her. She doesn't deserve it and she isn't your problem. I never do my ILs presents or cards. Half the time DH doesn't send any cards apart from his mum and not a huge amount of thought into her present but that's his choice and she gets back what she has put in over the years. Having a vagina doesn't mean you have to sort his family's presents out.

Lemony,

re your comment:-

"Am I still expected to send MIL a Mother's Day gift/card after 2yrs NC?"

Absolutely not. Why would you at all want to?. Out of your own fear, obligation and guilt?. Sod feeling guilty. She is also not your mother.

Doing that as well breaks the no contact stance and also opens a door you really do not want opened. Shred as well any Christmas or birthday cards that she sends to your children without opening; no contact is precisely that and what she is doing amounts to unwarranted contact. Its not wanted or needed.

Re your further comment:-
hate being seen as 'the baddie' in anyone's eyes. I don't like to cut people off just like she did, it doesn't come naturally to me. But I feel uneasy sending her anything nice, which could send the wrong message".

No contact is precisely that; anything more than this is contact in some form. There is really no need or obligation on your part to send anything to her.

You have been way more than reasonable here but it will all get thrown back in your face by his mother who will see your kindness as weakness to be further exploited. The normal rules of familial interactions never apply to people like his mother so you cannot apply these at all. You likely as well come from a nice and importantly emotionally healthy family so this type of dysfunction you have seen from his mother is unknown.

Do read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics.

"Am I still expected to send MIL a Mother's Day gift/card after 2yrs NC?"

Who might be expecting you to? And why? She's not your mother.

Tell your DH you won't be organising anything and if he wants his mum to get anything it's entirely up to him. As it should have always been anyway, as presumably he is a fully-functioning adult and perfectly capable of making a quick trip to Clintons.

What the actual hell is passive aggressive gift giving

I don't know OP, I would want my actions to be a reflection of ME, and not HER.

I have just sent my Mother a card. In reality we barely speak. I have tried to phone her every week since the beginning of the year. She has answered the phone once
However any bitterness is hers, I shall continue as Me, not her

I wouldn't myself.