I think my brother is being selfish. Should I talk to him?

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My brother and I are both adults. He has a family and works from home. I am single and live alone. We all live in the same now.

Our parents are in their sixties/ seventies. They are redecorating some rooms at the moment. Initially my brother (who's background is design and has worked on his own house etc) said he would help with the wallpapering / painting etc. So far it hasn't happened.

My mum today said that if it continues it looks like she is doing the whole thing herself. I will help out when I can.

My dad can be difficult to get on with. But he is generous in other ways. Like a number of times he has gone into town to pick my brother up from a night out or babysat at the last minute.

There is this activity my dad likes to go to once every so often on a weekend. He hope my brother and his children will go along, but often they are vague or say no. This may not be relevant to the overall issue, but it's one more area. My brother said no recently then I saw him posting on Facebook later about a game he was playing.

It's my mum I feel for - she works so hard for all of us and this means something to her. He has lots of time for other things. When his family are away she is left to feed their rabbits and water plants check post etc.

He is generally a caring and approachable person. It makes me frustrated with him. I want to go round to his house and talk to him. Is it my place? Will he take it the wrong way and it backfires?

TL DR: I think my brother is selfish by breaking promises and taking advantage of my parents. Should I say this to him?

mo55chop5 has the best response, that's how I would go at it as if gives him an out and it's not antagonistic.

Fairytale - I meant to reply to you and the others about taking that approach - understanding/ not confrontational etc. I think that is wise and I will think it through, thank you.

I have no partner or anyone else to talk about this to so I am just using here as a soundboard really. I do have anxieties about my parents getting older, and they are only just beginning to surface with stuff like this. I am doing more for them gradually and I don't know what lies ahead.

What about your parents getting older is your concern? Do you expect your brother (and yourself) to be doing more and more over the years? Maybe he's trying to avoid this situation, not everyone is cut out to become 'carers' for their elderly parents (not that they seem there yet). You can't force your brother into that role because you're worried they will stop coping and will need taking care of.

Has your DM reminded him of his promise?

Just because they're people you love and care for, doesn't make it your business. It's between them, not you. They're perfectly able to speak up for themselves.

I agree with others- if you go in with "I think you are being selfish and taking advantage of our parents" it is more likely to get his back up and cause an argument. Thereby making it even less likely he will help and may cause problems (even if only short-term) between you.

I think I'd approach it with "mum could do with some help with her decorating- I think she thought we'd help her out. How about we go round on x date(s) and get it done for her?"

It is possible he's been busy at work and not able to go around to do the decorating? If he works from home he may not just be able to drop things and go round during the day, unless he has taken time off specifically for this. Did he actually promise to go round on a particular day or just imply he would help at some point? I ask as sometimes people get the wrong end of the stick, e.g. did he give suggestions and encouragement without meaning he would come and do the work? Is he generally disorganised or do you think he's just being lazy?

As for your dad's hobby- I think it's fair enough for your DB not to join in if that's not what he wants. He probably avoids/is vague as he doesn't want to upset your dad by saying so. Perhaps it would be better if he was honest, but I don't know your dad so maybe it's better off the way your DB is doing it.