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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt and want to read childishly?

49 replies

WildRoses · 21/03/2017 17:48

My 15yr old dd has just told me she can't be bothered going mothers day shopping and can't her younger sister do it instead (12yr old)?
I was gobsmacked firstly because when it's her friends or her boyfriends birthdays she spends all her babysitting money on them and even asks for an advance, which is fine as it's her money to spend on what she wants. When she needs face washes and cosmetic wipes etc I buy them all. I don't expect her to use her own money. I draw the line at cosmetics though as she like the expensive stuff, (Mac etc.)
Secondly, she's been a fan of Ed Sheerans since his very first song came out, so I've got her tickets to go see him next month which has cost me the price of 2 tickets as I am taking her. (It's not her birthday until October)
I just feel so put out now by the general, everyday lack of respect and acknowledgement to my existence.

I've gone out today to buy gifts for my dsc to give to their mum on Sunday as well.
I feel like telling my dd not to bother with mothers day if that's how she feels but not to ask me for anything at all, and that I'll take her younger sister to see Ed. I know the reaction is childish but I'm hurt by her behaviour.

OP posts:

Pinkheart5915 · 21/03/2017 19:12

I think every teenager has moments when they say hurtful things to parents, It was very rare for me as a teenager but it did happen. No I wouldn't be selling the tickets or taking the younger sister

She's 15 maybe she just doesn't see Mother's Day in the same way as a birthday. I would sit and talk to her explain her comments upset you and that Mother's Day means a lot to you and you really appreciate a card for all the things you do for the children.

If she still doesn't want to go Mother's Day shopping then let the younger one pick what to get, she might even enjoy it.

user1484578224 · 21/03/2017 19:14

sorry genuine question...what is mothers day shopping?

Monkeyface26 · 21/03/2017 19:20

Could you smilingly refuse to get the point? Agree with her that shopping might be annoying but that it is not necessary to spend money on you to show her appreciation for all that you do for her. She can show you what you mean to her without shopping.

Last year, dd who was 15, didn't spend a penny on me but she wrote me the most beautiful letter listing all the things I do for her and how she appreciates them. She brought me burnt toast breakfast in bed too. It was one of my favourite Mothers' Days.

2017SoFarSoGood · 21/03/2017 19:20

I'm sorry OP, teens can be really horrid. They can cut you to the core with a look and very few words. You do need to let her know how hurt you are, and try to give her examples so she understands. If she does not get that, I'm afraid I'd be selling the tickets and telling her why. And not just threaten to do it.

As to your DSS - why are you buying gifts for his mum? I can see taking them to the store, and perhaps even giving them pocket money early, but other than that, it is really up to them. As you have seen, you will get no thanks for getting involved in this one.

supersop60 · 21/03/2017 19:21

I guess that Mother's Day shopping is shopping for Mother's Day presents.
Like PP, I wonder if 'not being bothered' is a ruse to throw you off, and she really is getting you something. I would definitely say something about how hurtful her remarks are, and I would certainly threaten to sell the Ed Sheeran tickets (and mean it) if an apology is not forthcoming.
What does your DH have to say about this?

knackeredinyorkshire · 21/03/2017 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThreeLeggedHaggis · 21/03/2017 19:28

I was an absolute cunt to my mother when I was a teenager. It wasn't her fault and I don't think it was really mine - those hormones are an absolute nightmare.

She will grow out of this selfishness but in the meantime, don't be afraid to rock the boat. Looking back, I think if my mum had been less understanding and punished me more, I would have settled down sooner. Teens are all about testing boundaries, and they need boundaries to push back on them.

NewPuppyMum · 21/03/2017 19:29

Mother's Day shopping is clearly where a child goes shopping to buy their mum something for Mother's Day.

Gabilan · 21/03/2017 19:37

I could understand if it was your birthday but not this, Mother's Day is just more rubbish made up to get people to spend money on tat they don't need

That was my mother's attitude to it and she's always told me not to bother with it. I know mothering Sunday has a long tradition but that's actually about returning to your home or mother church during Lent. Mother's Day is more recent. And being persuaded to buy expensive tat more recent still.

OP I would sit down and talk to your daughter about it. You're comparing it to birthdays but to her she may just be thinking it's another day and not remotely like a birthday. Explain it to her. Acting childishly isn't really going to help anybody if you want her to do the grown up thing and empathise with other people.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 21/03/2017 19:40

Tell them all as it's mothers day you are having a day out alone and they can bloody fend for themselves!

ProseccoBitch · 21/03/2017 19:49

knackeredinyorkshire I didn't know that, thank you! If only it was closer to that sentiment though, it seems to me to be all about the commercial aspect rather than appreciating your Mum.

Spadequeen · 21/03/2017 20:08

Don't expect cards or presents from my dc, but a big hug and breakfast in bed is always welcome.

I would be very upset if either of them spoke to me that way and would react in the way I said, but I would tell them first rather than just do it.

smd5018 · 21/03/2017 20:11

YANBU to feel hurt, or to want to react childishly. If you react as you've suggested that would be a bit unreasonable (but quite understandable!) IMO
Kids are kids, we are adults (as I'm always telling my husband)
I've got two DDs 14 and 15, I am at my wits end sometimes they are so lazy and selfish and ungrateful but it's how a lot of teens are, I'm sure it's something biological. Up until 2 years ago I got a breakfast in bed every birthday and mother's day, usually a cake baked for me and often a gift bought with saved pocket money. I get nothing now and it is hurtful sometimes, although TBH I'd be happy with a cup of tea every now and again and a few nice words.
Anyway I don't think I'd be selling the tickets, or giving them to her sister. Is that the message you want to give? That you only get gifts for people who buy them for you? I don't think you can @)withdraw a gift, or b) punish someone, for not buying you a present. Having said that, as time goes by and I realise that nobody lifts a finger in this house without a fight (apart from me) I become generally less inclined to do nice things for them, and more inclined to tell them to wash their own clothes etc.

user1484578224 · 21/03/2017 20:13

Mother's Day shopping is clearly where a child goes shopping to buy their mum something for Mother's Day.

i thought it might mean they go out together and shop.

knackeredinyorkshire · 21/03/2017 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1484578224 · 21/03/2017 20:21

mm weird its all about money and spending and buying

Original poster

WildRoses · 21/03/2017 22:22

I really appreciate all your advice. Thank you.
So I made dinner, trained and had a nice relaxing bath. Put the childish thoughts out of my mind and had a talk to dd. I told her she was out of order and had hurt my feelings. I said it was fine if she didn't want to come shopping, it was her choice but that regardless of that her day to day attitude and lack of respect had to change. She apologised and made me a cup of tea.

In regards to my dsc, the reason I do so much for them is because they only see their mum 1 day a week. She never attends school events or parents evenings so I think I over compensate because they don't have a mother figure anywhere else in their life. I love my dsc but I know I'm not their mum and have never tried to be. I just do the things I need to do to care for them. I got the gifts for them as they hadn't realised it was mothers day this Sunday and I didn't want them to bl feel embarrassed when they see their mum that they hadn't got her anything.

OP posts:

haveacupoftea · 21/03/2017 23:13

Selling the tickets would be childish and reactionary. You have to continue to prove that as an adult you nurture family relationships and you wont do that by not taking her to the concert.

TALK to her. How would she know if she is being hurtful? She can easily put herself in her friends shoes to see that a little birthday gift would be nice. But emphasising with an unhappy mum on mothers day might be a bit of a stretch for a 15 year old who hasnt been told what it feels like.

claraschu · 22/03/2017 03:25

OP you sound so nice, and I bet all your kids are nice too!

HumpHumpWhale · 22/03/2017 04:35

OP, you sound lovely and I think you handled it really well. The only thing I would say is can the kids' dad (if he's around) not be the one to make sure they do something for you?
Your kids will improve with age. 13 to 15 is peak obnoxiousness, I think. It was for me, anyway. Still ashamed!

highinthesky · 22/03/2017 05:43

Keep being you, OP. You sound like a lovely mum, and all 6 are v lucky to have you.

sandgrown · 22/03/2017 06:01

Just reminded of the first Mother's Day breakfasts DC made on their own. Not allowed to use kettle so I had cold milk or juice, cornflakes with a mountain of sugar and burnt toast with a stripe of butter down the middle. All served about 6am! Never forgot those breakfasts but they tailed off when they reached the teenage years and could not be arsed to get out of bed .

AliceByTheMoon · 22/03/2017 06:06

I don't know how old your DSC is, but his comments might indicate he is feeling very conflicted about things. He only sees his mum 1 day a week and she can't be bothered much with him. He might see his loyalties as divided which is why he is emphasising you are not his mum- it's a sort of pain if you see what I mean, not that he does not love and value you.

Original poster

WildRoses · 22/03/2017 08:02

The fight about dss hurtful comments is an old one. I've accepted and understood that it all stems from her leaving them when he was 3yrs old and he feels hurt and neglected by her.
Just to put the shopping trip into context. Younger dd has saved some pocket money to buy me a £4 gift which after older dd comments she said could be from both of them. All I've asked older dd to be present for is to chose a card. I would never expect my children to spend a lot of money on me but when it comes to cards as I told my dsc, I can buy them the presents they asked me to get for their mum and they gave me the money for it but that I couldn't chose a card for her as that's too personal and has to come from them. I'd much prefer my dc to make me a card or present for any occasion. So I've literally asked oldest dd to be there to have a say in choosing a card.
High in the sky, thank you so much. I guess some of these responses have made me realise I'm being a bit selfish and self entitled myself as a mum. Next year I don't think I'll get involved in any of it for any of dc.
I used to get the soggy cornflakes on a morning with a cold cup of tea. I loved those days!

OP posts:

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