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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think he should've offered to contribute?

58 replies

KinkyAfro · 21/03/2017 17:03

My car is in the garage, it's going to cost around £500 at the moment which includes the MOT which just happens to be due. There might also be a further cost if any other work needs doing for the MOT. The car is in my name, I pay for it, the insurance for me and DP, tax, tyres etc., and i use it for work. At the weekends we go out together in this car and/or DP uses it if he's got errands to run. DP doesn't have any other vehicle costs, he has a works van and a fuel card. I've told him how much the repairs etc will cost and that it's going to be a frugal time until next pay day. He's very sympathetic but didn't offer to contribute...AIBU to think he might've offered?

OP posts:

pointstaken · 21/03/2017 17:48

You have been together 9 years, and live together, but don't have share finances? That's very sad. I have no advice, I can't even understand how a couple can function that way.

Original poster

KinkyAfro · 21/03/2017 17:50

It wasn't a factor in our split no. We've been living at mums for almost a year and getting frustrated at lack of space. He's usually very generous, great birthday and Christmas gifts, pays 80% of the time when we go out, I have to force money on him sometimes when I try to pay. I've had the dog at the vets today and his first response was how much was it and he'll give me half when he gets in.

OP posts:

rightsofwomen · 21/03/2017 17:52

You're back pedalling somewhat OP.
You seem to be saying that actually he is very generous, so why is this particular bill a problem?

Original poster

KinkyAfro · 21/03/2017 17:54

Not everyone shares finances pointstaken and it's never been an issue before this. I'm not going to go hungry, I can afford to pay the bill for the car and my share of bills this month, I won't go hungry, just didn't want to be spending a lot with a move on the cards

OP posts:

Original poster

KinkyAfro · 21/03/2017 17:56

I did say upthread that he's not tight with money usually, just this car bill which I couldn't understand. Maybe he just thinks it's my car and it hasn't occurred to him to contribute?

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Firesuit · 21/03/2017 17:56

I think you are unreasonable, because who pays for what shouldn't be determined arbitrarily. There should be agreed fair rules.

It's impossible to tell if he should be contributing to the car, because it depends on all other financial aspects of the relationship. If it's never been discussed, I think it's a reasonable default that someone pays for their own cars depreciation and maintenance.

Actually, even when it is discussed, I don't think I would expect him to pay directly towards servicing and repairs. If he is to pay for his use of a car that is owned by and mainly used by someone else, charging him mileage at HMRC rates would be a fairer way to do it.

pointstaken · 21/03/2017 17:58

Keeping your independance is one thing, but it's the fact that you told him you would be struggling and he didn't react. That's the set up I don't understand, not even having a joint account with enough funds for the whole family (and you keep the rest on your own account).

If he is normally generous, it's not so bad I suppose.

jcne · 21/03/2017 18:03

If it's just this one off incident it's not necessarily a catastrophe that signals doom for your relationship. If he was tight all the time I would see this very differently.

You could either ask him, which I think is fine, you could even suggest that the car became a joint liability/asset.

or just consider you are doing him a favour by letting him borrow it, so it's definitely your car, and consider that he may do comparable favours for you, e.g. Pay when you go out 80% of the time.

Original poster

KinkyAfro · 21/03/2017 18:04

I didn't say struggle just it'll be a frugal month what with the potentialhouse purchase, I was thinking by saying that he might offer lol, but I'm ok money wise. He knows what money I've got and me him so he knows im not really skint.

OP posts:

Original poster

KinkyAfro · 21/03/2017 18:07

That's the thing jcne I was wondering if I was being unreasonable for thinking he should've offered as he would with every other bill. He certainly pays his way as do I, so he might pay more when we go out but a few nights a week I'll buy stuff for tea from M&S as it's right next door to work.

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ImperialBlether · 21/03/2017 18:55

Don't underestimate those M&S bills! They can really add up.

Original poster

KinkyAfro · 21/03/2017 19:01

Tell me about it imperial

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ThePiglet59 · 21/03/2017 19:14

Nine years and you still have separate finances?
Not really a 'couple' are you?
Housemates that shag would be a better description.

Original poster

KinkyAfro · 21/03/2017 19:30

Fuck off piglet you know fuck all about my relationship

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notcreative23 · 21/03/2017 20:16

Sorry I have not RTFT so I'm not sure if this has already been asked: how often does he actually use the car? If you are the main user and he only uses occasionally I don't think it really sounds fair that he should have to pay for any of it.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 21/03/2017 20:18

Dp sorry but since the car cost x I can't afford to keep you on the insurance anymore. .

golfbuggy · 21/03/2017 20:28

I think it mostly depends on whether you split other shared expenses 50/50. From your latest post he pays 80% of the time when you got out, so this is clearly not the case. Sounds like you need to agree what is shared and what is not.

Charley50 · 21/03/2017 20:29

Not that much of a big deal really. It's your car for work. Maybe ask him to put a couple of 100 towards it? Sounds like he would say yes anyway; just that he doesn't think of it as his car, which it isn't.

fruitbats · 21/03/2017 20:31

I've been with my DH for 27 years and we have separate finances. What's the big deal?
Kinky It seems he thinks of it as 'your' car and it hasn't crossed his mind to contribute. I'd mention it again if it's bothering you. In your situation, I'd just pay it myself, especially as he's generous in other ways.

pointstaken · 22/03/2017 07:42

I don't think it's a big deal, I am not sure how that works, that's all. Most of both our income goes into a joint account, so anything family related is common - bills obviously, childcare, holidays, meals out, cars, computers. I just can't put my heard around completely separate finances. Most our money goes onto the children anyway (directly or indirectly) so there's not much room for argument

AyeAmarok · 22/03/2017 07:51

Maybe he thinks he's more than paid his half by picking up the tab for meals out most of the time.

So you have the money, you won't go hungry, he's very generous usually, but the one time he isn't you get annoyed and start dropping hints and then think he's tight.

I think you are looking for problems where there aren't any.

honeylulu · 22/03/2017 08:29

It would seem it hasn't occurred to him. It's "your car" so he might assume it's a personal expense without giving any thought to his use of it.
As he's usually fair and generous he would no doubt agree to contribute (maybe 20-30% would be fair). SO ASK HIM. Nice as he seems, he's not a mind reader.

There's nothing wrong with separate finances BTW if it works for you. I've been with my husband 22 years and we have mainly separate finances except for children stuff and household bills. We each run our cars out of our personal funds. We enjoy our financial independence.

FittonTower · 22/03/2017 08:34

If you're happy with the set up, he normally pays 50% of everything or more without any fuss or you even asking and you're it going to be going hungry because of this bill I'm not sure what the issue is. He might have intended to offer and forgot or it didn't cross his mind for one reason or the other. Either ask for a contribution (it doesn't sound like he would take this badly at all) or pay for it yourself if you don't want to rock the boat. It seems like an anomaly rather than a symptom of a large issue in your relationship

Original poster

KinkyAfro · 22/03/2017 08:35

I also said I pay my way, he might pay most of the time, but not all, and I'm forever picking up food during the week, stuff for the dog etc so it's swings and roundabouts.

Anyhoo, he came in from work last night and gave me £250 towards the car without me asking him.

OP posts:

scottishdiem · 22/03/2017 08:40

Ah. Next thread. When I say jump, DP doesnt do it quick enough or ask how high.

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