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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend and a violent partner - WWYD?

39 replies

user1490088549 · 21/03/2017 10:03

Throwaway user for obvious reasons.

I have had suspicions that my friend's DP has been abusive but did not mention it to anyone in case I was way off the mark. She stopped coming out with friends, became very withdrawn and cancelling plans at the last minute. A few weeks ago she came out for a few drinks as her DP was at a stag do abroad. She admitted to me after quite a few drinks that he had been violent in the past. She went as far as to tell me that he had punched her in the face and pinned her against a wall by the throat. Her DP has a history of being violent when he was younger and regularly ended up in trouble for fighting in pubs but seemed to have turned over a new leaf. You could not meet a nicer man in a social setting - he's liked by almost everyone he meets.

Since then I have tried to speak to her about the violence and she is acting like it did not happen. She has told me she regrets telling me about it and that I should mind my own business. I am scared for her safety. She will not go to the police and will not speak to anyone.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? I don't have the slightest clue what protocol is in situations like these. Can I go on with my life and pretend this isn't happening? Should I report it and jepordise our friendship/her safety? Sad

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 21/03/2017 11:58

I would give her information (does she know that men who choke their partners are ten times more likely to kill them than other abusers?), contact details for a local shelter and tell her that she's always got a safe house with you (if you're happy to do that).

And make sure she's using bomb-proof contraception

MrsJayy · 21/03/2017 12:04

I grew up witnessing DV it is horrific hopefully your friend won't have children with this man.

LagunaBubbles · 21/03/2017 12:12

You cant do anything at all apart from supporting her the next time it happens. And the time after that. And then after that. If something really bad happens it wont be you that could have prevented it, it will be her for choosing to stay with a violent partner, and yes I do know from personal experience its easier said than done to leave. But I would never have wanted any of my friends for feeling guilty that they have have stopped it.

PavlovianLunge · 21/03/2017 12:29

Totally, Aero, and the constant belittling in front of their daughters has definitely affected how they see her and treat her. It's a terrible thing to say, but Part of me wishes he was dead.

Original poster
user1490088549 · 21/03/2017 13:27

JigglyTuff...wow, I can't believe that. Absolutely shocking. It's so hard to understand a situation that I haven't been in or witnessed before.

I have no idea what is going through his mind. DP is around a foot taller than her and trained in martial arts. How can he sleep at night?!

OP posts:
stressedbeyond123 · 21/03/2017 13:34

I've been in this position with my best friend of 30 odd years, to the point where i saw the violence between BF and her (now ex) Partner.

it truly was awful to see, but i figured what BF needed more than anything was a good friends, someone to talk to, to cry to, who wasn't going to judge her or tell her numerous times over she must leave him etc etc! so that's what i did - i just listened, mopped up the tears and let her get it out of her system.

Fast forward -15 years, she left him a good while ago, and to this day still says that i was the best friend ever for not telling her what to do or trying to force her to leave him. she needed a friend, not another bully pushing in her on her life telling her how to live it or interfere.

so my advice would be, be a friend to her, listen to her, tell her she can trust you and talk to you and that you won't interfere or take sides. it may take some time to earn that sort of trust but it really be worth it, and you will be helping your friend more than anything by simply being there for her
HTH x

Wallywobbles · 21/03/2017 13:40

Can you send her a totally unrelated mumsnet link in something like cleaning or whatever she might find interesting? Then just hope she stays to have her eyes opened (like me).

Original poster
user1490088549 · 21/03/2017 14:21

Good idea Wallywobbles, I will have a look around to see if there's something I can send her.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 22/03/2017 16:57

I don't blame you pavlovian, he sounds like a thoroughly evil piece of work, if he were gone, she would have a few years to enjoy her twilight years Sad.

butterfly990 · 22/03/2017 17:40

Some useful help in this article.

all-about-abuse.tumblr.com/post/118963244225/how-to-help-victims-of-domestic-violence

Stripeyblanket · 22/03/2017 22:17

You can speak with the police and request a disclosure under the domestic violence disclosure scheme (I believe Clare's Law). The police will look into this male (in terms of past offences) and they will only disclose that information to people who may be at risk (your friend) so that they can make an appropriate decision on their safety and the Police can put in place any safe guarding that may be needed. If there is nothing to disclose then nothing will be done.

Anyone can make a DVDS request, you could do it for your neighbour if you were worried about them for example. You won't get any information disclosed as you are not the person at risk.

Original poster
user1490088549 · 23/03/2017 11:22

Great advice, didn't know about Clare's Law. Will look into this.

OP posts:
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