To think that DSS isn't being a bully

[Mrbluethecatt]

So there is a bit of backstory.

My DSS is 13. His DM died when he was less than a year old. He is in 2nd year at secondary school.

Last year another boy A started bullying DSS. It started low level making fun of him, taking DSS's stuff, it escalated to A saying things about DSS'S DM and eventually A punching DSS in school. A was suspended for 2 weeks after the punch. This happened last may. A has a history of bullying other kids and has been suspended for kicking a girl a few weeks into starting secondary.

Since September A has stopped bullying DSS. After the punch DSS spoke to his guidance counselor who agreed DSS should try to deflect and avoid A if DSS feels threatened in class and tell the teacher.

Since September DSS has formed a great friendship with a bunch of kids (boys and girls) who he hangs with a play and lunch and is in a number of lunchtime clubs. As they are school based clubs A is in one of the clubs.

If A come to speak to DSS, DSS gives yes no answers and usually walks away. He doesn't want to interact with A and only does the minimum. At lunch club today that A also goes to A sat next to DSS so DSS got up and moved to another seat. It was Minecraft club so they played at lunch and some of DSS's friends play online after school with DSS. A asked to join. DSS didn't say no. He said nothing it was another girl that said no.

I got a call from school saying that A's mum has reported DSS for bullying and excluding A in school. I am meeting school tomorrow.

Aibu to think DSS isn't bullying A and while A is being excluded it isn't DSS's fault.

[Mrbluethecatt]

Thank you Taylor.

DSS has said that if A ment it and was sorry, then maybe they could be friends but A doesn't appear to have learned anything.

DSS has been going to the schools anti bullying club since September which has helped massively.

I've emailed the HT and guidance counselor.

I know A is a young however he is 12/13. Old enough to know better. My DSS is given a black eye by this boy was made to cry by this boy and all he gets is smirks and eye rolls. I'm finding it hard to have much sympathy for A at the moment.

[Taylor22]

A may be going home and sobbing into his pillow every single night. He might be devastated that he is alone and this might be ruining his education. None of this is your son or his peers (the other victims!) problem.

His mother is now the one failing him.
She is looking to others to fix a problem that she created.
The solution isn't to force the victims to placate their attacker.
It's to remove him and start again.

[Toadinthehole]

Picture,

At most the OP's DSS has excluded A from his own company. I think that's his right, and so does the school, it seems.

As for social groups, if the DSS walks away from A without engaging, I don't see why the DSS should be held responsible if his friends decide, of their own free will, to follow him. The DSS is not in a position to control what they choose to do.

A clearly needs help. Better that he gets it from the school. Perhaps they could help him learn how to build some bridges so the other kids freely choose to befriend him.

[emmyrose2000]

It seems the apple doesn't fall far from the tree where A and his mother are concerned.

[Megatherium]

Picture, there is nothing whatsoever that is snug about drawing attention to the fact that A was smirking and rolling his eyes. It sounds as if he was gloating over the fact that forcing DSS and OP to come to the meeting had given him some control over them.

[DartmoorDoughnut]

Glad the school were using some common sense too, hope A leaves your boy alone!

[GabsAlot]

she sounds as bad as he son op

at least the school ar ein agreement with you-she enables this boys behaviour then denies hes done anything

heres hoping they move him

[rogueantimatter]

The eye-rolling and smirking is ambiguous. It can just be a symptom of embarrassment. But it's hard to tell from the info we have.

I feel sorry for DSS and A. How awful to be punched in the face and have provocative comments made about your late mum. But also, what hope does A have of developing into a happy, likeable person when his mum doesn't accept that his behaviour needs to be dealt with.

Re the HT dealing with A's allegation - the school will be legally required to investigate, so I wouldn't be outraged about being called in. Irritating waste of time though.

What a horrible situation. I hope A manages to get into another friendship group and leaves your DSS alone.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I'm glad your son is being protected. A has no chance of growing up to be a well rounded adult with a mother like this, which is really sad. However, neither you nor your dss can influence this and the most important thing is to keep your dss safe. You sound like a great mum.

[LittleIda]

A year ago the boy was taking DSS's things, punching him, kicking a girl in the stomach and telling people DSS's mum killed herself to get away from him. I'm sure he is now a lovely, angelic guy, but the DSS can surely be forgiven for being a bit reticent about being friendly with him after all that.

[MipMipMip]

OP You appear to be an excellent example of doing step parenting right. You obviously have a great relationship with your DSS, he feels supported by you and is able to tell you what's happening knowing you support him. Kudos!

[redexpat]

This is one of those threads that restores my faith in the decency and competence of teachers. And step parents for that matter. Excellent update.

[Spadequeen]

Excellent update. A's mum is at fault here. Instead of blaming everyone else, she should be looking at her sons behaviour and her own.

A may have lots of issues but it's best he learns now that you don't get to take your frustrations out on other people. There are plenty of other kids with problems who don't beat up other people.

Glad the school were on side.

[flippinada]

That sounds like a positive outcome OP - nor do you sound remotely smug, more like a caring parent who has her DSS' interests at heart.

It sounds very much like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree in A's case. Even if he was a completely reformed character (who knows, although it sounds unlikely) it's still not DSS responsibility to make him feel better. Glad that the meeting reinforced he's doing the right thing - and that DSS knows you have his back.

[LadyPW]

"I pointed this out to the HT"

You sound a little smug.

Really? It sounds like a good mother sticking up for her child against a bully to me.
(Glad the meeting went well OP)

[Falafelings]

Perfect outcome from the head, guidance teacher and yourself.

[Falafelings]

You sounded professional and caring in the meeting. Not smug

[pointythings]

Well done, OP. And I've just learned something - there's an apologist for everything...

[RebootYourEngine]

Glad your dss is being supported by you and the school. A and his mum need to get a grip and grow up.

[youarenotkiddingme]

Meeting sounds perfect and what you said was spot on.

DSS actions are what he believes are in his best interests to protect himself. If he's just walking off somewhere else that is not bullying.

[JustSpeakSense]

You sounded professional and caring in the meeting.

^this

And a force to be reckoned with, I said it upthread and I'll say it again, Your DSS is very lucky to have you fighting his corner. Well done.

[Mrbluethecatt]

Just picked up DSS from school. Apparently A come up to DSS at lunch and called me a fat fuck with shite hair .

DSS told the teacher on lunch duty who then went to the HT office with A. A didn't come back to class for the afternoon.

I've emailed the HT and have asked what is being done. DH is back tonight so we will need to decide what our next steps are.

[Spadequeen]

Yeah, really sounds remourseful and like he's changed.

[Champers4Pampers]

Hmm, I wonder where he heard that choice phrase?

It doesn't the sound like he's remorseful at all.