Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

AIBU?

To think that DSS isn't being a bully

139 replies

Mrbluethecatt · 20/03/2017 20:00

So there is a bit of backstory.

My DSS is 13. His DM died when he was less than a year old. He is in 2nd year at secondary school.

Last year another boy A started bullying DSS. It started low level making fun of him, taking DSS's stuff, it escalated to A saying things about DSS'S DM and eventually A punching DSS in school. A was suspended for 2 weeks after the punch. This happened last may. A has a history of bullying other kids and has been suspended for kicking a girl a few weeks into starting secondary.

Since September A has stopped bullying DSS. After the punch DSS spoke to his guidance counselor who agreed DSS should try to deflect and avoid A if DSS feels threatened in class and tell the teacher.

Since September DSS has formed a great friendship with a bunch of kids (boys and girls) who he hangs with a play and lunch and is in a number of lunchtime clubs. As they are school based clubs A is in one of the clubs.

If A come to speak to DSS, DSS gives yes no answers and usually walks away. He doesn't want to interact with A and only does the minimum. At lunch club today that A also goes to A sat next to DSS so DSS got up and moved to another seat. It was Minecraft club so they played at lunch and some of DSS's friends play online after school with DSS. A asked to join. DSS didn't say no. He said nothing it was another girl that said no.

I got a call from school saying that A's mum has reported DSS for bullying and excluding A in school. I am meeting school tomorrow.

Aibu to think DSS isn't bullying A and while A is being excluded it isn't DSS's fault.

OP posts:

Report

Ohyesiam · 20/03/2017 22:47

Punching finding is not a neutral act, it has consequences, being excluded by the school was one, being avoided by your victim is another. It could be that A is doing a passive aggressive form of bullying, of he could have an interfering mum.

QuackDuckQuack · 20/03/2017 22:52

I think many parents would struggle to invite a child with a recent history of violence against other children to a party/event because of the risk of injury. Whilst it may well be that the children are choosing who to invite, parents may also be giving a steer. That seems fair enough to me.

DartmoorDoughnut · 20/03/2017 22:55

Yanbu

Chloe84 · 20/03/2017 23:46

From the update, I think A may think the class will accept him more if DSS is seen to be friends with him. But that's not DSS's problem. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who had bullied me. Not as a child and not as an adult.

FrogFairy · 21/03/2017 00:06

You reap what you sow. None of his classmates are likely to forget the bullying and violence and frankly I don't blame them for not including him.

A transfer to another group may give him a fresh start where it will be up to him to turn over a new leaf and I should think the existing group will heave a sigh of relief to see the back of him.

Toadinthehole · 21/03/2017 01:40

I'm honestly not sure how on earth one bullies a person by simply avoiding them.

I'd probably make that point to the school.

emmyrose2000 · 21/03/2017 03:11

A had been telling people that that she killed herself to get away from DSS

Wow, that single event on its own would be enough to not want to ever interact with A again. What a disgusting thing to say.

When you meet with the school, I'd use the words 'harassing'/'harassment' and 'stalking' to define the way A is chasing after your DS.

Your DS is not bullying A in the slightest. I'm just perplexed as to why a child who has violently assaulted other pupils is still even allowed in the school? When he punches/kicks another girl in the stomach when he's an adult he'll be quite rightly arrested. But because it happened in school it's okay? The school doesn't sound as though it has a handle on bullying at all.

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 06:00

I hate the idea that not speaking to someone you dislike is bullying. What are you meant to do if you quite reasonably don't like someone?

Tattsyrup · 21/03/2017 06:17

Your DSS is not bullying A.
I know that's been said many times further up the thread, but I want to say it again.

Your DSS sounds like a good lad, which is evidenced by him having lots of friends and being invited to lots of events. This situation is in no way his fault.

Giving A the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he has turned over a new leaf, and wants to forge some friendships. Good for him and good luck to him. But that's nothing to do with your DSS.

picklemepopcorn · 21/03/2017 06:29

I'm really impressed with how your DSS has handled himself.

School might still pressure him to allow A in, as they want A included. I would argue that A has a load of other people he can try and befriend, however unsuccessfully. It would be reasonable to allow the two children A has physically attacked to stay away from him.

What lesson would they be teaching about relationships, to encourage someone to befriend someone who has physically assaulted them? I would point put that minimises assault and leads people to stay in DV situations.

Falafelings · 21/03/2017 06:31

I think you just explain that DS has been incredibly badly bullied (mention the punch and teasing about mothers death) and that he has been adviced to have nothing to do with the bully. You back him fully in this.

Explain that lots of people in the class (girls - due to the punch) want nothing to do with bully. So yes of course bully feels put out - no one wants to be with him. Which serves him right

The bully has in effect made his own bed and needs to lie in it. The bully needs to deal with the consequences of his actions

Why should the children make themselves vulnerable to him. Why do his need to be social overrule others needs to be safe.

Falafelings · 21/03/2017 06:33

The bully can choose to befriend others who he hasn't bullied or work hard to slowly build relationships over the next few years

WateryTart · 21/03/2017 06:35

YANBU. Be very firm, no one should be forced to be friends with anyone, especially not someone who has been violent towards them. Tell the school your son has your backing and will not be interacting with A more than is necessary.

A's mother needs to get a grip.

Bluntness100 · 21/03/2017 06:38

I think the other boy, A, is still bullying your step son, it's just in a more subtle way, always wanting to be near him, complaining he's bullying him, he should simply leave him alone, your step son is doing what the teachers asked and he cannot be expected to simoly now be mates with this boy,

SallyGinnamon · 21/03/2017 06:49

Your DSS has been doing exactly the right thing, walk away from trouble.

As others have said, school may try to pressure him into accepting A so you need to be prepared. It does sound like A is harassing your DSS. DSS is under no obligation to be friends with someone he doesn't like. There are still plenty of others in the class he could try. Or perhaps a different class. Either way it is NOT your DSS's problem.

BalloonSlayer · 21/03/2017 06:54

Just be aware that the school will not have told the mum the name of the child her son bullied when he was suspended because of it.

The son may not have told her either.

She very well may not know the child she is complaining about is the same one.

Even if she does - she could see it as: "My son went through a rough patch, was mean to a couple of other children and lashed out at them. He was punished appropriately, was very sorry and has since tried to make amends by being friendly. But one of the people he lashed out at is ostracising him and encouraging his friends to do so too." (I know he isn't, but his friends are blanking the other boy and that's how it can look.)

I don't have much sympathy for the other boy, and agree with the approach/response that the others have suggested. But I do have a bit of sympathy for the Mum - she just wants the best for her child.

youarenotkiddingme · 21/03/2017 07:02

So A is suddenly realising that actions have consequences?

I am totally against bullying and was a victim myself. But I also think people change. It's possible A realises how bad his behaviour is and wants to move forward. I'm not suggesting inviting him to the parties but perhaps in school they could remain seated when he sits there and just see what he has to say.

Having said that refusing to engage with someone is definitely not bullying and the school will know this.

KateDaniels2 · 21/03/2017 07:02

We had this.

Dd and a lot of other kids bullied through primary by one boy. In the end the police were involved in year 6 and he was charged with assaulting my dd.

He left her alone at secondary after receiving a further warning from the school police officer.

He has continued with the others and most of the year dont want to spend time with him. His mum is now claiming bullying.it ended with all the parents of chikdren who had been assaulted going to the school for meetings where the school accepted our kids were not going to be forced to include him.

After every episode of him attacking someone he was moved from group to group. He eventually turned up in dds group, which the school had promised would not happen. On the first day in the group he attacked someone else and was removed.

He is now taught in isolation. He arrives after everyone else and leaves 20 mins before. I would like to think he regrets his actions but its too little too late.

Dd is 13 and can choose to not interact with someone who assualted her and caused her so much misery

doublesnap · 21/03/2017 07:03

YANBU, there is no way that DSS is bullying the other boy.

CoraPirbright · 21/03/2017 07:04

DSS wants nothing to do with A. DSS thinks A is setting him up to get back at him later. A has form for this.

^^ This sounds highly likely to me.

Also, I think definitely DO suggest A gets moved to a different part of the year. Why not? It might prove very successful - A gets a bit of a fresh start and is out of your DSS's hair. I was bullied in my youth and my mum demanded that the bully be moved out of my class into another. It really really helped.

emanresudilavni · 21/03/2017 07:06

I think a little empathy and teaching DSS to forgive may be what's in order.

A was suspended and dealt with appropriately by the school. Yes, he did some nasty things but he is a child and should be treated as such. Your SS, whilst on the receiving end of bullying in the past, is behaving quite unpleasantly and teaching him to be the bigger person seems to be the way forward.

When you meet with the school, I'd use the words 'harassing'/'harassment' and 'stalking' to define the way A is chasing after your DS.

Why? They're teachers not idiots and unless you want to come across as one, don't turn this into something it isn't. Nothing mentioned so far has vaguely suggested that A is harassing or stalking.

I have sympathy for the other boy because he is a boy ie. not an adult. It sounds like he is trying to join in a group being left without friends due to bad behaviour when he was a younger child. Bullies tend to have poor social skills meaning he is struggling. Your son doesn't need to be best friends with him or like him or forgive him for the bullying but standing up and moving and influencing his friends is not nice.

Spadequeen · 21/03/2017 07:13

You reap what you sow.

Good for your dss, sounds like the mother needs to hear some home truths about her little darling.

MrsTwix · 21/03/2017 07:14

Why should he forgive someone who hit him, said his mother killed herself to get away from him, and is now accusing him of bullying. Ffs.

OP repeat to the HT like a broken record, my son does not have to sit with someone who hit and verbally abused him. Refusing to sit with someone who hit him is sensible and does not constitute bullying.

Spadequeen · 21/03/2017 07:18

It is not he ops dss job or responsibility to make child a feel better about Himself.

Child a punched ops dss, he bullied him and many others. Why the hell should they include him in their activities because he's decided to try and be nice. If he's really sorry, he should make friends elsewhere

LittlePigLittlePigLetMeIn · 21/03/2017 07:23

A is still targeting your DSS!

He is doing the right thing by continuing to not engage with him.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.