Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Small Wedding

46 replies

EWAB · 20/03/2017 19:02

Not saying what my 'interest' is...but who should take priority at a small wedding. Friends or the spouses of siblings?

OP posts:
fabulous01 · 20/03/2017 21:50

Glory be. It is their day. If you don't want to go don't go. End of but get over it
My other half wouldn't give a toss if he was invited or not as there are more important things in life.
Personally I would love to have had a day with my siblings only. Remembering the fun times with my family. Try and see it differently.

Miscella · 20/03/2017 22:10

They can choose who to invite.

You can choose whether to accept the invitation.

If it were me I would decline. I believe partners should be invited to weddings - but then I do not subscribe to the view that weddings are all about the bride and groom. Our wedding was about our vows but also about throwing a party and considering the comfort and enjoyment of our guests.

ThePiglet59 · 20/03/2017 22:15

"The bride and groom get to decide who to invite. The invited get to chose whether to accept or decline. If they decline the bride and groom don't get to whinge about it"

This, exactly.

haveacupoftea · 20/03/2017 23:10

I dont really see the point in crying about it Confused they just want immediate family and best friends there and i dont see whats wrong with that. They obviously want a wedding of 10-20 or so, add in partners and that becomes 35-40, then people will complain if kids cant come so that becomes 50, its so easy to get out of control. Not everyone wants a big wedding, and if it doesnt suit you then dont go, but it would be very childish to throw your toys out of the pram because you cant bear to attend an event for a few hours without your partner.

TathitiPete · 20/03/2017 23:11

I do think that's quite rude and yanbu to be ticked off and neither is your partner. Of course, obviously, it's their choice whom to invite/not invite but it's a shame they're choosing to be rude.

And then there are people who wouldn't consider it rude at all.

MintyChops · 21/03/2017 16:05

You don't have to "throw your toys out of your pram"!!!!! You can just decline to go and if they press you for a why tell them that you understand that if someone important to you is there then it means that someone important to them can't be. Alas, the person is so important to you that you are not prepared to go without them, have a wonderful day, look forward to photos, best wishes for a happy life etc etc etc.

Headofthehive55 · 21/03/2017 16:40

bardalino has it.

I wouldn't go.
Tell them you've something better on with people you'd rather be with.

FreedomMummy · 21/03/2017 16:45

I would not be overly happy about it but I think I would accept it as they are being consistent, in that none of the spouses are being invited so it isn't anything personal to you and your DP.

I do agree with bardalino's sentiments though.

Timeforteaplease · 21/03/2017 16:48

I would go and be polite . ... ... ... but I'd never forget.....!

OwlinaTree · 21/03/2017 16:49

Well it's up to them but weddings are about families imho. I would be upset in this scenario either as the ds or the dsil. Especially if the couple had been invited to our wedding!

Would i say something? Tbh yes I think so, I'd probably ring and get them to confirm that yes I was invited and no my husband of x years was not and yes he's not invited because he's not important enough to them. Bit PA I suppose.

littlefrog3 · 21/03/2017 16:58

How small is this wedding?

I would definitely invite partners/spouses of siblings!

My guests would be........ First my parents, then my siblings, then their partners, and their children (and children's partners if they're old enough,) and any grandchildren my siblings have.

Then my husband-to-be's close extended family would come too. (OBVS!)

So that would be say, 25 to 30 people. Aunts, uncles, and cousins wouldn't get an invite, as my aunts, uncles, cousins, cousins partners and all their kids would make up over 30 people. (On top of the 25 I already have!!!) Ditto DH.

Then 5 - 10 friends of ours and their partners. So maybe 40-45 people. Not too many is it?

DavidPuddy · 21/03/2017 17:02

I would be heartbroken if my brothers in law didn't invite me to their weddings. I would never expect that my husband wouldn't accept he invite, though. That just seems petty and low.

On the other hand we purposely rejected venues where we couldn't have the guests we wanted. It does seem as though the bride and groom have chosen style over substance.

littlefrog3 · 21/03/2017 17:03

Re, the subject matter. It's fine for people to NOT invite peoples partners, as long as they don't get pissy and sniffy when half the people turn down the invite.

If I was invited to a wedding and DH wasn't, it's unlikely I would go. We have been a couple for over a quarter century, and would be very surprised if someone had a wedding and invited me but not him, and I would definitely NOT go. He would be the same. He would not attend a wedding that I was not invited to.

littlefrog3 · 21/03/2017 17:04

Sorry that sounded crap, saying 'it's unlikely I would go,' and then saying 'I definitely would NOT go!'

I really definitely would NOT go.

thecolonelbumminganugget · 21/03/2017 17:07

I think YABU I'm afraid. They have to draw the line somewhere. We've had to drop friends of ours off our guest list in favour of friends of the family that our parents on both sides have given us a guilt trip over. I really wish we'd had the balls to tell them no now we're writing the invitations and I'm getting upset about who were having to leave off.

ImperialBlether · 21/03/2017 17:09

Do they accept that in future she won't be invited to other events?

Honeypickle · 21/03/2017 17:12

If you consider marriage to be important - and I'm assuming you do, as, you know, you are actually getting married - then how on earth can you leave out the spouses of your siblings??! You are effectively saying that your own marriage is important so your siblings should attend, but their own marriages?? Eh, not so much.

Sciurus83 · 21/03/2017 17:27

Usually I am definitely on the bride and groom get to decide but this is a bit much. Spouses/in laws ARE family, and not children as that is a different issue. I would still go but it's not something that I would be able to not be secretly hurt by for a long time. Are your parents around/have anything to say? This would break my mums heart and she would let my brother know that in no uncertain terms. This is a bit different to not inviting great Aunty Noreen who you haven't seen in 20 years.

Original poster
EWAB · 22/03/2017 11:04

Thank you for everyone who has responded. I am not married myself but I have been with my partner for 11 years; all of my family get on and there has never been any problems. Our parents are dead but I have a step-father and he is invited to the wedding.
I totally accept that weddings are no longer thought of as 'family occasions' and I was upset about five years ago when my partner went to a colleague's wedding when I hadn't been invited even though I had met her but I intellectually processed it. A friend also invited my elder son but not my younger son to her wedding about 8 years ago. My elder brother did not extend an invitation to another brother's step sons; I was the only one bothered by this, their own mother just said "but they're not related." I seem to be really sensitive but my youngest brother doing this has really upset me. I am going and I will not make a fuss. Thank you again.

OP posts:
Original poster
EWAB · 22/03/2017 11:06

Thank you for everyone who has responded. I am not married myself but I have been with my partner for 11 years; all of my family get on and there has never been any problems. Our parents are dead but I have a step-father and he is invited to the wedding.
I totally accept that weddings are no longer thought of as 'family occasions' and I was upset about five years ago when my partner went to a colleague's wedding when I hadn't been invited even though I had met her but I intellectually processed it. A friend also invited my elder son but not my younger son to her wedding about 8 years ago. My elder brother did not extend an invitation to another brother's step sons; I was the only one bothered by this, their own mother just said "but they're not related." I seem to be really sensitive but my youngest brother doing this has really upset me. I am going and I will not make a fuss. Thank you again.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 22/03/2017 11:18

I had a really small daytime reception (25 people) but still invited the people's partners. I think it's so rude not to and, even though it's the bride and groom's day, you ought to want guests to enjoy themselves!! It causes upset for the guests - for those that can't work it out, if she goes she and her partner are left feeling upset, if she doesn't go it damages the relationship with her sibling.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page